Week 2/3: Double the Excitement

What we have here is a twofer. This has nothing to do with me being lazy. I just thought about how exciting it would be to wait in suspense for two whole weeks and then receive not one, but two weeks worth of recaps. Then I thought about how much MORE exciting it would be to get two weeks worth of recaps in the same amount of space that one recap usually takes. You're welcome.

Week 2 saw our team significantly improve on our Week 1 scoring total. Whereas we only put up 65 points the first time out, we nearly 150 percented that in Week 2 with 94 points. This was the week of the wide receiver. Julian Edelman managed a solid 80+ yards with a TD for 14 points. But he would be topped by Jordy Nelson. Things looked bleak for the Packers that Sunday afternoon. It seemed they had run into the buzz saw known as Rex. But then the Jets went ahead and acted like the Jets. Nelson would only score one TD, but it would come on an 80 yard play. He would supplement that catch with another 129 yards, giving him 26 fantasy points. 40 from two receivers is usually a good sign.

Peyton and the GOST did their normal thing. Good idea for a Saturday morning kids' show. Peyton had 3 TD passes, but under 300 yards. Good for 21 points. Gosti kicked some balls and scored 14 points. Victor had his doubts about the Gostbuster. WHO'S LAUGHING NOW BUDDY. I mean, if anyone cared enough about this to feel emotions.

Defense, running back, tight end blah blah, 19 points from those. So 94 was good for third highest score that week. Sadly, our dick opponent had the most points with 130. He got a ridiculous 27 from his defense. Probably going to be the highest score for a defense all year. Here's what you need for your defense to score 27 points: 1 TD, 4 INTs, 6 sacks, 1 block, 7 points or less allowed. What, no fumble recoveries or safeties?

So, in the spirit of overreacting to every week in the NFL, week 3 WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT WEEK OF OUR SEASON. Would we lose and end up with the same record as the Jets, Giants, Packers, and Browns??? Or would we win and be on the championship path with the Cowboys at 2-1?

This week ended up being a bit strange in terms of scheduling. All but one player between the two teams played in the early Sunday games. So at around 4:30 pm our situation became extremely clear. Our opponent had 61 points and we only had 52. If the lone remaining player was his, this story would be over. But that's too boring, so let's proceed on the assumption that it's our player. And let's just nickname this player Peyton. It could be Peyton Manning or Peyton Hillis. No one knows.

I happened to be in Boston that weekend. We departed at 4, and, knowing my team's situation, thought it might be nice to listen to the Broncos play the Seahawks on the radio. Also, that would likely be the most interesting game. So my copilot (you know who you are, Jew) began hunting for the game. Yet all the stations offering an NFL game decided we wanted to hear the Dolphins play the Chiefs. So we went with music. But my copilot kept me updated with his intelligent phone. Things were looking grim. At the half Denver had only managed 3 points. This made it unlikely Manning had thrown a touchdown. He also only had about 80 yards. This meant we only had 3 of the necessary 9 points for a tie. In the third quarter Denver would go on to score more no touchdowns, and Manning would only add 50 yards. This put us down 4 with one quarter left. Finally, in the very last quarter, Manning would put one in the endzone. With the yardage it took to get there we had a slim 1 point lead. My research shows that this is the slimmest lead you can have. So if everyone just took a knee would be just fine. But no, Manning had to try to win. And then he throws an interception. Interceptions are -2 points. Luckily he had thrown for 50 more yards before that. This meant our lead was still 1 slim point. Surely now, with only 2:12 remaining, the game would end and we'd be safe. But nooooo, Seattle kicked a field goal and gave Denver the ball with 59 seconds remaining. And what did Peyton do this time? 80 yards, TD, 2 point conversion. So we won sort of comfortably by 11. That's right, we are on a Dallas Cowboys trajectory!!!

Draft/Week One: Aaaaand We're Back

Well hello there. It's another addition of everyone's favorite whatever-this-is. My motivation to write these is already super low. So here we go!!!

We drafted the team two weeks ago. We went with auction again. I don't remember everything that happened, but here are some things I will say happened. The tone of this draft was much different than last year. If you recall, (and I expect you to because I'm sure everyone's been rereading these recaps all summer) last year the draft started off kind of crazy. People were way overbidding early. So our strategy was to nominate players we didn't want to get some money out of the system. Well this draft was the complete opposite. Nearly every player was going for less than their expected draft value. Because we are super good at this, we quickly pivoted into nominating our players early while people were still being conservative.  We got everyone we wanted. I've very excited we were able to grab Stephen Gostkowski as our kicker. HE HAS GHOST IN HIS NAME. GHOSTS ARE WHITE!!! Anyway, the team is over there on the right. Expect Johnny Football to James Cameron hookups all year.

Then the first week happened also. As usual, I watched almost no games. You'd think maybe the other guy who can watch games and write posts would take care of this, but he's actually less motivated than me. Yes, motivation can go below zero Kelvin. That's a chemistry/physics joke for you kids out there. Alright, time to mail in this recap.

Our opponent jumped out to a quick lead because he had some players on Thursday night. Specifically, he had Russel Wilson and Marshawn Lynch. Typing the name Marshawn made me feel weird. Seattle went ahead and stomped Green Bay, no one's favorite team, so those guys had a bunch of points. Like 17 and 24 respectively. We had Jordy Nelson. He did acceptably in terms of yardage with over 80. Everyone should know the scoring system by now, but just this once I'll remind you that 80 yards is worth 8 points. Unfortunately, he had no touchdowns, so that's all we got from him. So a quick 41 to 8 hole for us.

In reviewing the week I've noticed we are heavily invested in New England. Also, I feel like I've written that every year we've done this. Seems right. This year we are riding Julian Edelman, Rob Gronkowksi, and Stephen GOSTkowski. Two kowskis on our team. Good omen probably. These guys all contributed. Edelman compiled 11 points worth of yardage, while Gronk had fewer yards plus a touchdown for 10 points. GOST kicked some stuff and also had 10 points. So with those three guys we almost caught up.

Now to the bad. Rams defense: bad. Give up 34 points to the Vikings. No points for us, though. Jason Witten: bad. He's a Cowboy. Seems like an oversight on our part. 1 point. Danny Woodhead: bad. 11 yards split between receptions and rushes. No points.

Toby Gerhart gets an passing grade. He only managed 5 points, but we grade on a curve when it comes to our white runningbacks. So how was our opponent doing? Luckily also bad. The rest of his team only managed to put together 22 points. So our week one comes down to Johnny Manziel. We thought for sure Hoyer would get benched early in the first quarter. No, wait. We just played Peyton Manning instead. And he's actually good. He scored 22 points, we won 65 to 63, the end.