:(

Season's Greetings followers. I will not attempt to build suspense on this most sorrowful of occassions. I'm sure you've all performed in depth calculations and you already know that we have been eliminated from the playoffs. My own deep anguish makes it difficult to go on, but I will try to bury my despair with a short retelling of the events leading to this tragedy.

As you will recall because I'm telling you again, we were down 22 points going into week number two of playoff round number one in season number two of the White Devils existence. Things did not begin well for us in week two of round one of season two. Our opponent had Matt Ryan and Roddie White of the Falcons playing in a Thursday night game. The Falcons were able to edge the Jaguars 41-14. Ryan threw three touchdown passes and White caught two of those. White also had 135 yards. Keep in mind that Roddie White is not, in fact, white. These bums combined for 45 total fantasy points.

But that's ok, we have Rodgers and the Packers. The undefeated-13-0-surely-going-to-crush-the-Chiefs Packers. Rodgers put up 45 points before. He could do it again. And we had good old Jordy Nelson to catch those TD passes. And Kuhn to run in anything that wasn't a TD pass. And Mason Crosby to kick any field goals should Rodgers somehow not throw a TD pass. Yes, well, that didn't work as planned. While Rodgers did account for 100% of the Packer points, it was only 14 points. And they lost. To understand how devastating this was, remember that Victor is a Packers fan. When they lost, his father, Mr. Jong Il, was so beside himself he committed suicide shortly after. Our prayers go out to the new Dear Leader.

So after that crap we didn't have much chance. Stupid Peyton Hillis actually showed up. 99 yards and a TD. Mr. Clutch right there. Should get him on the Madden cover next year. Welker and Witten were no shows. Oh, and we have someone named Eric Decker. He was garbage. Even Jesus face Tebow couldn't save us. He picks this week to be foresaken. How can he expect to win NFL games if he can't win a stupid fantasy week for us from the bench? Whatever.

So we end up losing 190 to 140. Not even very exciting. Victor's fault. But, as they say, Rome wasn't built in a day. And especially white Rome. Because will an all white workforce really get the job done? No, so you have to bring in other types. And then after they finish building your Rome you have to find some way to chase them out, but it has to be subtle so they don't come back and pillage your Rome later. So this was a year to build on is what I'll say. And come next year we will surely be triumphant or forget to do this completely. Or remember and lose again. And with that I bid you bye.

/wrist

Week Playoffs: Mid Round One Update!!!!!!!

I bring you sad tidings, dear followers. After the first week of a two-week round we are not winning. In fact, we are losing. And yet, I'm sure we will win. Why, you ask? We'll get to that. First, to the action!

Douche Rodgers picked a good time to have his worst week of the year. This is not an exaggeration. Rodgers put up 17 fantasy points, a full three points below his previous low. Somehow Mason Crosby, who I will remind you is a kicker, also had 17 points. Yes, our kicker tied our GB for points. And Jordie Nelson had 14 points. So even with Rodgers being human, we can not complain about our Packers.

In keeping with things that were good, let's talk about Toby Gerhart. The Vikings should immediately trade that waste of space known as Adrian Peterson. Gerhart is here to stay. 90 yards rushing, 19 receiving, and one TD. 16 points. I think that beats Hillis for the entire year.

Wes Welker was also good, with 86 yards and a TD. But Eric Decker was not so good. Well, he was good for the Broncos on that last drive, but not for us. Just 33 yards and no TDs. Playing Kevin Walter would have been better. He had 13 fantasy points. But Victor didn't play him. So send your hatemail to Victor Jong Il at Golden Palace Panda Express, North Korea.

So why are we losing? One word made of just two words: Dallas Cowboys. Jason Witten was a no show. And the Cowboys defense was worse than a no show. A no show means zero points, not -7. Also, another two words for you: Peyton Hillis. But I already mentioned last week that he was worthless again.

Meanwhile, our opponent had pretty solid contributions from most of his team, and especially Matt Ryan. So where do we stand? We are currently 22 points back looking at a score of 99-77. Which means everyone should be rooting for a series of events that will lead to us gaining more than 22 points more than our opponent this coming weekend. Since everyone, including me, has a firm grasp of the scoring system, you all know the series of events I'm talking about.

Now, why am I so confident we are going to win? Well, this is it. This is the figurative fourth quarter. Time is ticking away. But wait, who's this on our team? Why, it's Tim Tebow!!! And if you have a bunch of people that believe, anything is possible. So the literal Jesus of comebacks will surely lead us to victory at the last moment. Even if he does it from our bench. So when I say see you next week as I preview our championship game, you know I believe it to be true.

Week 13: See you next year. Wait, what? We're in the playoffs? But our team is all white players.

The regular season has come to an end. As mentioned in last week's results, we were assured a playoff spot regardless of the final week's outcome. The only thing still on the line was a division win and a possible number one overall seed. I'm going to keep the recap short this week because I'm also going to bless you with some season recap stuff and a playoff preview.

We'll start, as usual, with the Packers. Eli and my Giants played them valiantly, but in the end Jesus Rodgers was just too much. Which was, of course, good for our fake team. With 361 yards and 4 TDs Rodgers made up for his pathetic 2 TD performance last week. He clocked in at 31 points. Nelson had some yards and Crosby had some kicks, good for 16 more between them.

In perhaps the most exciting development, Toby Gerhart had over 130 yards from scrimmage. Wait, is that right? Ok, I checked again. Yes, Toby Gerhart played and had more than 100 yards. When you add in Peyton Hillis' 93 total yards you discover that our runningbacks contributed 22 points. Yes, over 20 points from our runningbacks. Without actually checking I'm willing to bet my life on this being our top runningback total this year. Too bad we wasted a once-in-a-lifetime showing in a rather meaningless week 13 matchup.

Other guys did standard things blah blah blah. We had 91 points and our opponent had 73. Go us.

This put our final record at 10-3. This is what's known as a winning record. In fact, it's so winning we won our division by 1.5 games. 1.5 is an odd number, but apparently there was a tie in the last week. We were also tied for the best record in the league, but with 62 fewer total points we enter the playoffs as the second seed.

So here are some graphs and charts and other stuff that I will use to humorously recap our season. Here's a pie chart with some useful info.

Ok, that's the end of my fake graphs. And real graphs, too. Let's look ahead to the playoffs. Like the Yankees, our tradition of excellence demands a championship or the season was a bust. Playoff matchups are two weeks long. This clearly means we have an advantage or a disadvantage.

As the two seed we play the three seed, Team Kirkpatrick. Perusing the schedule I find that one of our three loses came at the hands of this team. In fact, it was our worst lose, a 90-54 beatdown in which Aaron Rodgers only had 396 yards and 2 TDs. This was back in week 5 before we really came together as a team. You know, before we picked up Tebow. We did play them again in week 9 after we had Tebow to lead us, and this time Rodgers had 4 TDs and we won 104-77.

Let's see. This guy has Matt Ryan as his GB. Wait, I'm just going to screenshot his team. I'm too lazy to list all his players.

There was a game earlier tonight. Steelers versus Browns. High drama. Peyton Hillis justifying his Madden Cover. With 25 yards. So that gives us a solid 2 point cushion to start the week. And by 2 point cushion I mean 16 point deficit because Mendenhall had 7 points and the Steeler's defense had 11. Go Brown's offense. So looking forward we need the Packers to stay undefeated so that they have a reason to keep playing Rodgers. Check back in four to seven days for an update and see just how big a hole we have to climb out of in the second week.