Jon sux

Since Jon sux and is too lazy to continue doing all the work documenting our team, I have to step in and preview the matchup for Week 8.

After digging through my mail to find Jon's ESPN password and stealing his identity, I finally did the research he is too lame to do. I picked up Danny Amendola, Jerheme Urban, and Jordy Nelson to replace the perpetually injured Kevin Curtis, and try to make up for the fact that our great white hope Wes Welkah is on a bye.

Our #1 position leading 11 point season total monster RB Brian Leonard is also on a bye, so being the homer I am I snatched John Kuhn up from the waiver wire. Even though his last name is oddly suspicious he is in fact white, and I forsee 2 TDs and 2 yards rushing against the Viqueens.

Since Welkah is on a bye that means Deamboat is as well, but since we have Football Jesus as well as Judas still on our roster we are OK. Obviously we are starting Football Jesus, seeing as He Who Shall Not Be Named is bound to throw 9 interceptions against the Packers to settle back into his traditional 50/50 ratio. Law of averages and all that.

We are 24 point underdogs against Team Hatfield this week, who boasts a 4-3 record. Currently he has Ochocinco starting, and hopefully he forgets that it's a Bengals bye week. This match up can actually go either way, since he has some inconsistent players. Basically we need Matt Ryan to choke against the Saints, Vince Young to turn the ball over so many times that Chris Johnson gets no touches, Brandon Jacobs to continue sucking, Bush and Bell to keep the ball away from Pierre Thomas, Roddy White to suffer from Ryan sucking, Greg Olson to die since that's the only way you can keep him from having a big day against the Browns, and the Ravens D crumble under the relentless running assault of our very own Peyton Hillis.

P.S. Jon is dumb

P.P.S. Jon is a dirty meatball

Also, Yankees suck.

Week 7 Preview/Results

Gonna do something a little different this time, since I didn't write a preview for this week. You can all blame Victor for that. He was away on business, and I was unable to consult with him on critical roster decisions until Saturday. I stress critical. So what's going to happen is I will write what I would have written and then immediately after give the result so you can see how awesome I (sometimes we) am (sometimes are) at running this team. To keep it suspenseful, the scores are at the bottom this time.

Ok, so the first major decision we had was who to play at QB. Manning has been our solid top scorer every week, but last week he was on a bye. So we of course played Brady, who promptly threw for 380 yards and 6 TDs. Now with both available, who do we play? Looking at the opponents was no help, as Manning was against the Rams while Brady was playing the Bucs in London. Both terrible teams. I was leaning toward Manning just because he has been very consistent. Victor agreed. Was this a good decision? Turns we made the right choice, but ultimately it wouldn't have mattered who we played. Manning threw for 235 yards and 3 TDs, which worked out to 21 points. Brady had 308 yards and 3 TDs, but his 2 INTs cancelled out the yardage edge, giving him only 20 points. Score one for us.

Running back is always an easy decision. We only have two, so they are in. Even when one has a bye and the other is injured and not playing. As was the case this week. Luckily this only costs us about 3 points.

It was looking like another frustrating week with our receivers. We've been getting good production from the ones that play, but we still haven't been able to field three active receivers since week one. This week seemed like it was going to be more of the same. Wes Welker was good to go, and Austin Collie was coming back off his bye last week. Unfortunately, Brandon Stokley was now going into a bye week, and Kevin Curtis seems to be perpetually injured this year. I was unable to locate an available white receiver that had a remote chance of playing. After consulting with Victor, who could also not come up with an reasonable option, we just left our injured player in. Welker would score 16 points with 1 TD and 107 yards, and Collie would grab a TD in garbage time to go with 36 yards, giving him 9 points. Pretty good contribution from 2/3 of our receivers. Kevin Curtis ate ice cream or watched porn or whatever he's been doing for the last six weeks.

Tight end is always an interesting decision (relative to how interesting these decision can possibly be). We have three on our roster, but Todd Heap had a bye, leaving us to decide between Witten and Cooley. My personal policy has been to avoid anything to do with the Redskins at all costs, so I put in Witten, even though anything to do with Dallas isn't much better than anything to do with the Redskins. I don't think I even consulted Victor on this one. Witten ended up with 5 points, while Cooley had 2, so I guess that's a victory for us. Sort of.

We currently have one kicker, so no decision to make there. We do have two defenses now, but this would prove to be an easy choice. The Packers were playing the Derek Andersons. I didn't even look to see who the 49ers were playing. This obviously was the right choice, as the Browns could only muster 3 points. They did, however, manage to muster an INT, a lost fumble, and two sacks allowed. All of these were very helpful to our defense. Go Browns. The defense would put up 13 points. Pretty solid for a defense.

Now to preview our opponent. Things were looking up this week. Our opponent was going to be the 1-5 Warren Sabores. He was clearly not managing his team, since he has had no defense for weeks and has been playing people on a bye. I looked up some stats before Sunday to kind of see where we ranked among some of the lesser teams. The Sabores are the only team that has scored fewer total points that our white brigade. We're actually in the top half of points allowed. Clearly we play good defense. Once again, Sabores is the worst in this truly meaningless stat. Victor and I also noticed that we got screwed with our division placement. We are last in our five team division. If we were in the other division we'd be tied for second and just one game behind first. Needless to say, Sabores is last in the junk division. So all things pointed to another win. But did we get the win? Well first, here's the scoring:

70 points. Not great. Would it be enough? If this was American Idol I'd take seven commercial breaks now. But it's not. We won. He only had 38 points. The end.

Week Six Results

Well, that was exciting. Big week for the Devils.

If you read the preview, you know there was some concern over not having Manning play this week. As you can see, I was right to be worried. Brady only had 380 yards and 6 TDs. The scrub didn't even play all four quarters. Well, now we officially have a QB controversy. To make it even more betterly, he was throwing some of those balls to Wes Welka. Our top score ever was 68, and these two nearly matched that by themselves.

The Packers also came through in a big way. The defense totally dominated the Lions. 21 points for a defense is huge. They were also kind enough to kick a lot of field goals.

So you'd think with that many points, we'd have an easy victory against a winless team. But no, we had to make it exciting. I was working until 7 pm on Sunday. So when I got home I checked our score. First, I was shocked to see we had 107 points. Second, I was pissed our opponent had 113. Our opponent had Matt Schaub and Ray Rice, who combined for 59 points. He also had a much more balanced contribution from the rest of his team.

So anyway, I get home, check scores, and put on the Jets game. This is relevant because he has the Jets defense. The game was tied 13-13 and going into overtime. Defensive scores are set up in brackets, and the next bracket kicks in at 14 points, so if the Jets were able to lose this game he would lose some defense points. Well, they were able to lose for us, but they also had a garbage INT in the overtime, so they actually gained a point. This meant we were down by 7 going in the Monday Night game.

Our opponent had no one left to play, so all we needed was 8 points from Hillis and Stokley. Surely we would get this from Hillis, who has a grand total of 4 points on the season. And if not him, then Stokley, who had zero points the last three weeks, would come through.

Again, I was working, so I get home and see that Hillis has zero points on zero carries. Always a good sign. Stokley has one point on 19 yards receiving. Ok, that means if he gets a TD and one yard we have the 8 we need. But it was already the fourth quarter. But wait, the Broncos have the ball and are driving. Down to the 5 yard line they go. A pass to Stokley at the goal line. He rolls in. Is he in? Is he down? The officials rule TD, but the Chargers challenge the call. As the officials check the replay, we see it at home. It's clear he was touched before he rolled in. Now the only question is if the ball was across the plane before he fell out of the endzone in the first place. The call on the field stands!!!111!! The Devils win week six!!!!!!!!!!!1!

We end up with 115, easily our highest score of the year. There was only one team with more points this week. We would have easily beaten seven of the other 8 teams, in fact. So, our crappy receiver and runningback suituation remains, but 6 TDs by your QB and some questionable calls can make up for all of that. Here we go playoffs.

Week Six Preview

This is an exciting week for the Devils. There's lots of upheaveal in our roster this week, as we have five players on a bye. This includes our top scorers from last week, Peyton Manning and Austin Collie. So this week at QB we're going to go with Brady. If he can't snap out of it against the Titans, it's all over. At receiver we're going to have to play Welker, Curtis, and Stokley. All of them are listed as questionable, and it's likely only Welker will see any meaningful action.

This week our Packer's defense and kicker are back in the lineup after having a bye last week. In related kicker news, Adam Vinatieri had surgery, so he's been dropped. Victor and I tried to think of receivers that we could pickup in his spot since we haven't had three receivers play since week one, but we couldn't come up with anyone that was likely to get playing time. I made an executive decision and picked up Todd Heap to play TE for us this week. Witten has a bye and Cooley still play for the Redskins. ESPN tells me that "in a bye week, he's worth a start in all formats, especially PPR, even with a game against the Vikings. They've been the most generous team to opposing tight ends this season." Let's see how bad this move backfires.

Luckily, our runningbacks stay consistent. It gives me comfort to know we can count on our standard three points there. When the Broncos and Bengals have a bye it's going to be tough to recover.

Our opponent this week is the 0-5 San Diego Charges. That's right, there's one team we have a better record than, and we're playing them this week. However, his point totals have been higher on average than ours, so this is no slam duck. But I think with no Peyton, probably just one receiver, and three points from our RBs we'll be ok.

Week Five Results

Sorry for the delay, Eric. I know this is the most important thing in your life every week.

This was an interesting week. We got some really strong contributions this week. Peyton came through like he has every week. And he decided to throw to Austin Collie a bunch, so he had a big night as well. In fact, he had out best non-Peyton showing of the season. Our other receiver, Wes Welker also put up a solid point total. I say other receiver because once again Stokley tricked us into thinking he was going to play.

We got our three points from Leonard and our nothing from Hillis, so no surprises there. But obviously our pickup of the 49ers defense blew up in our faces. I guess a better strategy is just take whatever team is playing the Rams. Witten also wasn't very impressive, though Cooley had zero points, so it turns out this was actually the highest score we could have gotten this week. In fact, 68 is our highest score of the year.

Sadly, our opponent scored 82. That was his lowest score of the year. But not low enough. As seems to be the norm, we would have beaten two other teams this week, and two more had scores of 69. It's late and I'm tired, so this is short and boring. Like ur face.

Week Five Preview

Here is the very delayed week five preview.

Our lineup has been forced into some changes due to the Packers having a bye this week. Our backup kicker is Adam Vinatieri. But the question on everyone's lips, everyone being Eric, has been which defense will we pick up? Which defense is white enough to be our backup for one week? Well Victor was quick to make a rock solid case for one team. I will let his words do the talking:

Victor: MARK MY WORDS
pick up uhh
jets?
rex ryan is defensive minded and very white
me: taken I'm sure
1:08 PM Victor: how about the 49rs D
since its the hom of the gays
and that's pretty much a white thing

So there it is. 49ers defense for this week.

Our receiver situation remains cloudy. Wes Welker is still questionable, but Dr. Spygate will probably have him like that the rest of the year and he played last week. Stokley is apparently off the injury report, so he's either good to go or dead. Kevin Curtis seems to have reinjured himself in practice, so he's going to have to sit again. As for tight ends, we dropped Shockey to make room for the 9ers. We're going to give Romo-Witten one more chance. They can't possibly continue to fail every week.

This week, coincidentally, we play the DP ROMOS. And he has Tony Romo. The DPs are 3-1 and have scored over 90 points in three of the weeks and 79 in the fourth. This means they are the best team we've played so far. But Victor has a good feeling about Peyton Hillis this week, so pencil us in for an easy win.

Week Four Results

Well, another week, another lose.

Our terrible receiver situation slightly improved this week, as Wes Welker made his return to action. Brady targetted him 10 times, so that makes it seem like he's back to basically full strength. Unfortunately, no TDs there. Brandon Stokley once again did not get any action, so even though he was listed as playing, he must still be hurt. Kevin Curtis had a bye, so he wasn't an option this week. But the most exciting receiver news: Austin Collie has caught a TD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's always a good thing when the white backup who's only playing because the original white receiver is out is second on your team in points.

Runningbacks blah blah blah.

Our opponent ended up with 70 to our 50 this week. Things were looking up going into Sunday night. We were actually winning by a few points and both teams had two players left to play. Unforunately, his were Philip Rivers and Ryan Grant, while ours were Mason Crosby and Packers D. We basically needed Rivers to crap the bed to have a chance of holding our lead. And into the fourth quarter of the Sunday night game it looked like he was going to do exactly that. He only had seven points at that point. Then, when I checked the score later, his total had jumped to 22. Stupid Rivers and his two stupid quick TDs. He would fumble later to drop that total to 20, but now were were down by 19 going into Monday night's game.

This game would be a double whammy. Well, a single whammy for me, but a double for Victor. Or maybe a quadruple for Victor. The single whammy was that the Packer's defense teased us early by stripping Peterson and returning it for a TD. This gave us a slim chance. But they would dash those hopes by giving up 30 points to Old Man Favre. This is where Victor's quadruple whammy comes in. The fantasy team lost in this game. His Packers lost. His Packers lost to Favre. His Packers lost to Favre. That one is worth two whammies.

My decision to bench Cooley turned out to be a mistake, as he caught a TD and had 12 points. Favre actually slightly outscored Peyton with 22, and we could have played Vinatieri for 10 over Crosby's 5. These changes would have bumped our score to 66, still not enough to win. We would have beaten one team this week. They put up a shocking 29 points. I looked at the team roster and the guy is clearly not active, so maybe we can beat them in week 7 when we play them. We are still in 9th out of 10 overall, though, because there's a team with no wins.

Week Four Preview

Eric will be terribly bored for two minutes if I don't give him a preview. Unforunately there's not going to much to preview. Victor and I spent all of no minutes game planning this week. Probably because we have so much confidence in our team. We're going with almost the same lineup as last week. The only change will be Witten in for Cooley. We can't have our team associated with the Redskins. As with the last week, our receiver situation is a big question mark. The Eagles have a bye, so no Kevin Curtis. That means Welker and Stokley are in, but maybe not in the actual game they are suppose to play since they are both still questionable. We'll have to rely on our stellar running backs and Austin Collie to pick up the slack.

This week we play the 3-0 Sam Crows. They had high point totals the first two weeks, going over 90 both times. But last week they only had 67, so I guess in theory we can beat them. After perusing his roster, one thing working for us is that DeAngelo Williams has a bye this week. But he has Reggie Wayne. Here's hoping for Manning to Collie all day long.