Week 7: Week of the Tebow

This was a critical week for us. I failed to mention last week that Victor picked up Tim Tebow. He claims it was so that no one else could, but I think Tebow's winningness will be vital to the success of our team. So we will start with vital Tebow stats. He threw for an angelical 161 yards and 2 TDs. I didn't get to see these passes, but I'm sure they floated through the air with a grace unmatched in the mortal world. Tebow also ran for 65 yards. I imagine his feet scampering across the field much like a bug scittering on the surface of the water. Or a Jesus. Tebow also ran for a 2 point conversion. Let's just say that's not the only conversion he's going to complete. So Tebow had what was actually a pretty good fantasy week, totally 22 points. This was a great aid to the morale of our bench where he resides.

As for people who actually contributed, Aaron Rodgers had his average 3 TD performace to go with 335 yards. We're getting tired of these average games out of Rodgers.

Peyton Hillis continues his breakdown year with a quality "did not play." This is football speak meaning that he did not play. After totalling up his yards and TDs we see he contributed 0 points. Our other "runningbacks" were on byes this week, so John Kuhn got the nod. Kuhn had a typical Kuhn game with 3 total yards and a TD. So that makes him our best runningback over the last few weeks.

Receiver was dicey with Wes Welker on a bye. Jordy Nelson was in with Kevin Walter. In addtion, new pickup Dane Sazenbacher got the start. If nothing else he has a very white name. He only had 13 yards, but his name is very white. Nelson came in at 53 yards and Walter had 35. No TDs this week. The bench receivers didn't really do any better.

Witten was back from his bye, and while he only had 35 yards, he did have a TD. Speaking of the Cowboys, we have officially traded the Eagles defense for the Cowboys. We feel Rob Ryan is the Cowboys defensive representative and he's quite fat. White I mean. Also, they were playing the Rams, so it seems like a good week to grab them. They held the Rams to 7 points and did some other stuff, which computes to 10 fantasy points.

Mason Crosby's performance just shows how versatile our team really is. He had 4 field goals, a couple of which were long, as well as 3 extra points. This gave him 18 fantasy points making him our number two scorer.

We had no one in the Monday game, so our final total was 77. Not great, but it could win. Also, in a move that should be considered cheating, our opponent only played two guys that were on a bye. And he has people like Calvin Johnson. But thats pretty much all he has, so we were in good shape. He got 17 out of Johnson, but only 24 from the rest of his guys minus Joe Flacco, who would play Monday night. This put us up by 36 with just Flacco to go. So that wasn't really suspenseful, but if we turn our eyes to the overall standings we find something that was.

We were tied for the second best record at 4-2 with one team ahead, Dream Team, at 6-0. Dream Team was tied going into Monday night but had no players left. His opponent had Anquan Boldin. If Boldin could gain just 10 yards receiving we'd move closer to taking the top spot. Suspenseful, right? Boldin was successful, so we are now just one game back, though he is ahead in points. I'm not sure how tie breakers work, though. Maybe it's head-to-head. If so this next week is vital because we play Dream Team. Good thing the Packers are on a bye. That wipes out half our team. Maybe it's Tebow time.

Week 6: It's hard to write a theme title when you don't watch games

Week 6 is upon us. Or rather was upon us. Now it's behind us. And the question on everyone's mind was would the White Devils bounce back, or would they begin an inevitable fall into ruin. People have dramatic questions.

This week saw the return of our number one runningback from his bye week. The Madden Curse seems to be more subtle this year. Rather than one catastrophic injury, it seems Peyton Hillis is slowly having his life force sucked out. It's a fair bet he will be a dried out husk in a few weeks. And like a dried out husk, he had only 6 rushes for 14 yards. I guess that's worth 1 point. Victor played Brian Leonard as our other RB. Turned out to be a good move. He didn't rush for much, but he had 38 yards receiving. Good for 3 points. Off to a good start.

Let's get Old Faithful out of the way. Rodgers had his standard 3 TD and over 300 yards performance. He did have one INT, though. Probably was distracted by Victor stalking him. But in the end he was good for 23 points.

It's become clear that our weeks are won or lost by our receivers. I guess this is understandable as we have no runningbacks and we play 4 receivers if you count the tight end. Where as last week we got almost nothing from our receivers, this week saw contributions across the board. Wes Welker had a pedestrian 45 yards, but also had a TD. Jordy Nelson had a pedestrian 2 catches, but a very not pedestrian 104 yards and a TD out of those two catches. Kevin Walter got the nod as our third WR with Eric Decker on a bye. Walter had a reasonable 6 ctaches for 52 yards. And finally, Jason Witten was back with 48 yards and a TD. In other sad news, Dallas Clark has been dropped from the team. He was unavailable for the rest of the year because he had to attend the funeral and burial of his career. Points from these dudes totalled 31.

The Dream Team finally played some defense. By that I mean they got to play against Rex Grossman. This allowed them to rack up 4 INTs while giving up 13 points. So for once we actually got something useful out of our defense. Namely 15 points.

And last and least, the kicker. Crosby was solid again. Or at least as solid as a kicker can be on a team that scores TDs all the time and not field goals. He did manage to sneak in one among three extra points.

So our total for the week was 89. Not spectacular, but certainly respectable. And more important, a score that we could potentially win with. The only thing standing in our way was another person playing fantasy football in our league. And who was this villan? Why none other than Gas Face. I know what you are thinking. But no, Mike is not in the league.

Gas Face makes me confident that we will be in the playoffs. You see, Gas Face fielded a team with 4 positions on a bye, including QB. The other were defense, kicker, and wide reciever Brandon Lloyd, who recently got traded from the Broncos to the Rams. Good news for us as Eric Decker moves up in the depth chart. So, with his remaining 5 players Gas Face managed to scrape together 49 points. This was done mainly on the strength of his RBs. He has some up-and-comers you may have heard about. Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice, and Darren McFadden are their names. But it gets better. There was a guy that played 4 players on bye weeks and one player on IR. So if we don't make the playoffs, I think we can put this whole race-doesn't-make-difference debate to rest.

Our division rival Team Shea lost this week, so we are back in first in our division. Point total is second best, but we are well behind the top guy.

Week 5: Let The Byes Begin

First, a programming note. I was in New Orleans until late Monday. Two consequences of that are that I was too tired to try to write this up until now and that I missed almost every game, but that's normal.

As noted in the title, week 5 is the first week with byes. For us that meant no Peyton Hillis, Jason Witten, or Brian Hartline. In addition, Danny Woodhead was hurt this week. In other words, don't expect much out of the team.

Let's deal with our runningcrap situation first. Both of our starters were out. Granted they are both white starters, but this left us with a runningback core of Brian Leonard and John Kuhn. Leonard was magnificent, picking up 10 yards on the ground. Kuhn only had 6. So that's 1 point for us.

Eric Decker will now be receiving passes from Tim Tebow. So expect to see him off the team soon. He made his case for staying by catching two balls for -4 yards. Jordy Nelson had 3 catches for 17 yards, but nothing else. Welker continues to be the top receiver in the league with 124 yards, but no TDs this week. So that's 13 points from receivers.

The corpse of Dallas Clark's career had 1 catch for 7 yards. Let me run some calculations on that. Ok, that's worth zero points.

The Eagles defense continues to be a joke, giving up 31 points. At least they didn't subtract from our total.

Rodgers was good. 396 yards and 2 TDs. This comes out to 23 points. Maybe if he had 800 yards and 6 TDs we'd be in good shape.

At least his lack of TDs meant field goals for Mason Crosby. Four field goals to be exact, with one long one. Throw in an extra point as well and he gives us 15 points.

Anyway, that's 54 points. Really bad. So we lost badly. I'm not going through the other guy's team. He didn't even have anyone do really well. He just employed the old have-more-than-three-out-of-nine-score-more-than-two-points strategy. Here's the damage:

Current status:

2nd in division
4th overall
3rd in total points scored

Week Four: Starting to regret this title-every-week thing

Well hello faithful readers. We had yet another exciting week. This is shaping up to be the most suspense filled season the White Devils have ever seen in their two seasons of existence.

Before we get to the week's action, we have some pressing business to deal with. We have been offered a trade:

Obviously we can not accept this trade. We're only offered one-third white. Giving up a full white for a one-third white is not a good trade. It's just simple math. So the real question is when we refuse the trade should we provide the real reason? On a related note, this confirms our hunch that people don't realize what we are doing.

On to the action!!! Let's do this one with position by position comparisons. First up, QB. This week we stuck with Tom Brady over Aaron Rodgers. This is always a difficult decision with much debating back and forth. Here is an actual conversation we had about this very topic:

It takes a strong relationship to have heated debates like that and still be friends. So anyway, Brady was in because he was in the week before and neither of us looked at the roster. Brady wasn't bad. 2 TDs, 226 yards, no picks. But Rodgers had what's probably the high score of the year with 408 yards, 4 passing TDs, and 2 rushing TDs. So while we got 17 points from Brady, we could have had 45 from Rodgers. This is hard. We have the top two point scorers in the league and we can't use both. The hardships of being white I guess. Our opponent countered with Tony Romo. Luckily for him there are no reductions for choking, so Romo's 3 TDs, 3 INTs, and 336 yards were good for 19 points. So we actual lose QB this week. Not a good sign for us.

Runningback time. This is not worth more than one sentence. Hillis and Woodhead combined for 7 points. Our opponent had three RBs: Matt Forte, Ahmad Bradshaw, and Beanie Wells. Ahmad Bradshaw outscored us with 8 points. Oh, and Forte had 28. Oh, and also Wells had 31. Forte's point total was accomplished with a 200+ yard rushing day and 1 TD, while Wells took the lazy way out with just 138 yards but 3 TDs. So let's see. The score at the moment is Us: 24 Him: 86. Hm, coulda used that 45 from Rodgers.

If we were going to have any chance this week it was time to make our move with our strong position: wide receiver. Wes Welker continues to be an MVP, contributing 158 yards and a TD this week for 21 points. Jordy Nelson was back as well after a down week with 91 yards and a TD. Of course, when Rodgers throws for infinity yards and TDs it's mathmatically impossible for Nelson to not have at least one. Anyway, no bitterness here. Nelson's day was worth 15 points. Finally, last week's pickup, Eric Decker, had the kind of day we were looking for with just 56 yards, but 2 TDs. Good for 17 points. In honor of his week, I've updated our roster over there to the right. So our receivers come in with 53 total. Our opponent has Mike Williams of the Bucs and Steve Johnson of the Bills. Johnson had some yards, but no TDs, so he got 5 points from him. I will save Williams for later. At this point we've made up a lot of ground are are down by 14.

We were able to make up more ground in the tight end department. Witten was good for 94 yards and a TD while his guy, Mercedes Lewis? had 38 yards. 15 to 3 victory at this position.

Our defenses had a battle of which defense sucks less. The Eagles had yet another collapse, but at least some sacks, fumble recoveries, and a block. So with that plus giving up 24 points, they contributed 4 fantasy points. Other guy had the Patriots. They had 2 INTs and gave up 19 points. Apparently that's -2 fantasy points, so we win that position as well. I think yards against counts too but it doesn't show.

Stupid Aaron Rodgers scored too many TDs, so Mason Crosby only had 7 extra points and no field goals, but Opponent got just one field goal and one extra point from Josh Brown. 7-4 victory in kicker for us.

This leaves us with the Monday night game. The score going into this game was 103 to 96 in our favor. We had no players left and he had the aformentioned Mike Williams of the Bucs. You will note that if you remove 17 point from our total and then add 45, we would be at 131 with a 35 points lead. Nearly impossible for a receiver to score that many. But no, Victor is a bad manager. Also, this is the first week where the guy we were playing didn't have at least one hurt player in the lineup. Let's see, are there any other excuses I can make before I finish this up? No, not really. Aside from Rodgers we played everyone we should have. Ok, I guess I can tell you about Mike Williams now.

I didn't end up watching any of this game (Bucs vs. Colts). I did, however, occasionally check the fantasy cast to see how we were doing. Near the end up the second quarter the score was 10-10 and Williams had 25 yards and no TDs. We would lose if that yardage eclipsed 80 or if he scored a TD. When I checked again it was the fourth quarter with 11 minutes to go. The Colts had just tied the game at 17 on Pierre Garcon's second long TD catch of the night. Bucs get the ball. Williams is now at 66 yards. This means we are currently up by exactly one point. For some reason I still had no desire to watch the Bucs and Colts play, so I went and watched Fast Five instead. So what happened? I'll just let you see for yourselves.

Hah. You thought we lose. Suckers. Don't ever question our managerial style. We know this team like something that we never pay attention to but it succeeds anyway. I included the bench scores this time because our opponent could have played Garcon instead. Oops on him.

So we are now back in first place in our division as the guy that was ahead of us lost and we have more points scored than him. In fact, we are second in the league in points scored. There is still one undefeated team. We play them in week 8, so mark that down on your weekly calender.

May your week be filled with pure, white goodness.