Week Thirteen Results

Here the final week is:

Some controversial decisions this week. Was playing Favre a good idea? How about Zach Miller? That's about it, since there's not enough other white players to even make decisions about. And the big question: would we win the final week to finish over .380?

Well let's start with Mr. Favre. This is the first week we've played him. He's been good to great all year. Only three interceptions going into this game. Oops, we jinxed him. He threw two in this one game. The good news is that Manning and Brady scored about the same points, so it didn't really hurt us.

Runningbacks were a resounding success this week. WE GOT 4 POINTS FROM PEYTON HILLIS!!! This brings his total to 9 on the year. Pretty solid. Leonard contributed as well. I'm not sure we ever had points from both runningbacks in the same week.

We got good contributions from Welker and Collie, as usual. No TDs though, as usual. The third receiver slot was a black hole this week. Stokley doesn't play regularly. Jordy Nelson was coming off an injury and doesn't play much anyway. And Amendola plays for the Rams. All strong candidates. The good news was that all had zeros points, so there was no wrong choice.

And now the one that will haunt is for never. We made the switch to Zach Miller last week because we were basically getting four points a week no matter what tight end we played, and he had occasionally put up a big week. So of course this week Witten goes crazy and has 156 yards receiving for 15 points. I guess I should have known since he was playing against the Giants and he always does well against them.

Packers did pretty well for us this week. They were pitching a shutout against the Ravens for more than half the game, but ended up giving up 14.

So that's how we ended up with 68. Was it enough? Well, our opponent had 74. So in most countries it was not enough. This marks the second time in three weeks we could have won if we had played one player who was on our bench. Playoffs start next week, and at 4-9 we didn't quite make it. We do get to play consolation games, though. Not sure I'll update about those, but I'll do a season wrap-up at some point.

Week Twelve Results

Some late results on the last week.

So, not a great total. Let's break it down.

Gonna organize this a bit differently and go with a chronological structure, as there were three games on Thursday. We had five players involved in these Thursday games. First up, the Packers and the Raiders. This week we went with Zach Miller as our tight end and benched Witten. I guess this was technically a mistake since Witten had his best game of the year with 10 points, but Miller wasn't too far behind with 7. Plus any time you can play a Raider you have to do it. The big story for us, though, was the beatdown the defense put on the Lions. As you can see, they gave up 12 points, which is pretty good, but they also had 4 INTs, one of which was returned for a TD, as well as a couple sacks and a fumble recovery. This all added up a lot of points from a defense. Mason Crosby also had a decent night, putting up 9 for us. Jordy Nelson was not so helpful, contributing a fumble and a -1. So from that one game we had 37. This may have been more than we scored in a full week one time.

The night game was Giants at Broncos. All we had in this game was Peyton Hillis. We put him back in because John Kuhn has a broken hand or arm or face or something. Don't worry, neither had any points.

Our opponent had a few people in those games too, so he had 22 going into Sunday's games. Things were looking up for us since we still had Brady and Welker left to play. Oh, and Brian Leonard. He would also end up putting up a zero. Our only other player on Sunday was Austin Collie. He had a solid 70 yards receiving, but no TDs, adding 7 points. So, going into Monday night's epic Patriots and Saints showdown, we had a total of 44. Our opponent has Philip Rivers, as well as a few other contributors, so he had 54 going into the Monday game. He had Shockey and the Patriots defense left, while we had Brady and Welker, and we needed to make up ten points. It seemed like a good bet.

And then Tom Brady would put up one of the worst fantasy QB performances of the year. No TDs. Two INTs. Under 250 yards. This, of course, means Wes Welker also had no TDs. You may be wondering why we played Brady this week after playing Manning for so long. Well, we decided that we'd seen enough of Brady to feel like he was back to his old self. Actually, our discussion before the week was about playing Brady or Favre. I ultimately left the decision up to Victor, since he was the one betrayed by Favre. He, of course, could not bring himself to support Favre. So Brady was in. Well, we got 5 points from Brady and 4 from Welker, while Favre only had 27 points. So we fell short. Or did we? Those of you who saw the game know that the Pats got lit up by the Saints, giving up 38 points. What does that earn you in our league? That earns you a -4. When you add that to the 1 point he got from Shockey, that gave him a -3 for Monday night.

Final result: Us 53, Him 51.

Once again, we play good defense, as 53 was only enough to beat one other team this week. Oh, and this guy we beat was tied for first overall in the league. We are so good. And next week Favre is playing. It's already been decided.

Week Eleven Results

Thought I'd drop an update on you foos before I drop some math on some foo:

Having been elimatined from playoff contention last week, we asked our white brothers to take the field and play for pride this week. Always a mistake. We finally had what you'd call a bad week from Manning. I've been pondering a switch to Brady for a couple weeks now. It would have been better, as he had 16 points, but not much better. The true surprise was that we should have played Favre. Good old Mister Never Gets Picked Off. He had a solid 21 points. This means that this week was the first time something happened all season. But what?? I'll make you wait to find out.

Big day from Brian Leonard. I think 36 yards was his rushing high for the season. Less big from Packer John Kuhn. At least his name sounds really white. Some of you may recall that at one time we had a fullback named Madison Hedgecock on the team. He plays for the Giants. I use "plays" in the metaphorical sense. Well jokes on us. He had a TD in Sunday's win over the Falcons.

I'm going to call our receiving a massive victory this week. We had three receivers contribute one or more points. Welka was big, putting up 20 points without scoring a TD. Go Jets defense. Eight points from random white Packer was good too. I'd say more but I have no clue who he is. Collie only had one point, but with Manning having a bad day that is to be expected.

Crosby puts up 12. Pretty solid for a kicker. Too bad the defense let us down again. I don't know, if I was a Packer fan I'd be troubled by how inconsistent my defense is. Good thing I'm not. Speaking of troubled fans, how about those Lions? They never say die.

Now the moment of truth. Was 63 enough to win and get us over .300? No, it was not. Our opponent has Drew Brees, Jones-Drew, and the Vikings defense. Far too much for us to overcome. He only ended up with 71, though, so we were in range. We just needed Welker to have 100 more yards. So what's the magical thing that has happened for the first time all year? Well, if we had played Favre, we would have won. This marks the first time that we could have turned defeat into victory had we played a different lineup. That makes us 10-1 in some type of scoring system that is not the one we are using which has us in 9th place out of 10.

Week Ten Results

Well, at least we were a bit more respectable this week. But alas, we still lost. Actually, until Sunday night this looked like it was going to be another no show for us. If you take out our Patriots and Colts, we had 26 going into Sunday night. Not very good.

The big decision this week was at QB. Brady has been coming on as of late. Not only that, but Brady and Manning were going head to head. So we (I) did the smart thing. Remain paralyzed by this decision and do nothing. Turns out it was completely irrelevant as both had 25 points. Favre only had 17, so we came out with max points here. That guy Favre, he's having a good year.

Runningback supplied our reliable two points. Brian Leonard appears to be more of a receiving threat than a running one. Go figure. Other guy is no threat to anyone or anything.

Stupid receivers. If we could just get something here we could maybe win some weeks. Yet again we get nothing from one guy and we get no TDs. I don't understand why runningbacks always go first in drafts. Receivers are so reliable.

We also continue to strike out with our tight ends. I think we've played four different tight ends this year. I don't think we've had one good showing. It's always something like Witten had this week. 40 yards, no TDs, 4 points.

Just so everyone knows, and by everyone I mean the millions who read this, we didn't have the 49ers defense before this week began, so there was no real thought of putting them in. I know I said we should consider dumping the Packers D, but that would require effort. Victor has clearly checked out, and I've been demoralized by our pathetic showings of late, so there was no effort put forth. Good thing too, since the Packers basically shut down the Cowboys. See, my life-strategy of do nothing and decide nothing works again. Good showing from our defense and our QB.

Sadly, our opponent had 76 points. He actually had a shitty week for the most part, but LaDanian Tomlinson decided to uncorpse himself and Reggie Bush decided to unsuck himself. He got 21 from each of those guys. We would have beaten two teams this week, so at least we're back to that level of moral victory instead of the last two weeks where we would need to double our score to beat anyone. Unfortunately we are now in sole possession of 8th place and we are 4 (really 5 because of tie breaker) games out of the last playoff spot. That's good with three games left, right?

Week Nine Results

They were shitty. I'll elaborate tonight.

Another week of being not even close to winning. It's also going to be boring to recap. Mostly everyone was average, and when you're white that's not good enough. Manning finally had what we'd call a bad game for him. Still put up 14 though, so can't really complain that much.

Runningbacks did what they usually do.

Receivers were junk, as always. It seems like not too long ago that every team had the token go-to white receiver. Stupid not being as fast, as tall, or as jumpable.

Tight end. Whatever.

Crosby made his kicks, but they were all extra points, so not much there.

Good showing by the Packers defense. Tampa Bay is an offensive powerhouse. Holding them to 38 is pretty good. We may have to revisit our defense going into next week. This is two terrible weeks in a row. Sucking against against the Vikings is one thing. But if the only team you can dominate is the Browns, we have a problem.

Our opponent had 95. Good work, opponent. Next lowest was 56. We suck. Somehow we are miraculously still tied for 6th, which puts us at 8th since we lose all tiebreakers. We are now three games out of the last playoff spot, which really is four since we own no tiebreakers. We would need an inspired run to have any chance. God I hate white people. In other news, check out Victor's new movie, Ninja Assassin, opening on November 25th and check out the other work he's done under his stage name.

mockmockmock

Jon likes men. Yankees bought the championship.

Week Nine Preview

Here's a quick little preview. There's not too much happening that's interesting this week, so it'll be kinda sort.

Manning is in at QB. He's been too good all season long to swap out now.

Random white guys at runningback again. Does it really matter who?

The big news this week is that it appears we may have three receivers actually play. Wes Welka is back from his bye, Austin Collie has become a key part of the Colt's offense (pretend that's true), and if Anquan Boldin sits out, Jerheme Urban should step in as the number three receiver for the Cardinals. He was in that position in week one and had 74 yards receiving.

Tight end will be Witten. This is mostly because when Victor revamped the roster last week, he was the only tight end left.

And we've got the Packers defense and kicker, as usual. They play Tampa Bay this week, so it should be a Browns-esque scoring output for us there.

We play the number two team in the league this week. He's had some low scores, but his last three scores have all been over 110. A good sign for us. Vcitor told me he'd update later to mock everything I've said. Let's see if he keeps his word.

Week Eight Results

Well, I can never let Victor run things again.

It's obviously his fault we only scored 30. But I'm not going to be too hard on him for two reasons. One, he's Asian, so he's not good at sports unless there's a ping pong paddle involved. Two, he's a Packers fan and his methaphorical estranged father just came home to rape and beat him and steal his girlfriend and all his money. So as tempting as it is to rub that in, it turns out I have enough of a soul to cut him some slack.

More on that later. First let's get to our pathetic results. Manning did pretty well considering he had no TDs. But this is the first week all year where Manning had no TDs. Brady was on a bye, but the QB who shall not be named had four TDs and 25 points. The good news is, we could have played Favre four times over and still lost this week.

Victor's replacement runningback actually worked out pretty well. Two points from John Kuhn almost matches our usual three from Brian Leonard, who was also on a bye. The shocking (in a good way) news is that we got a point from Peyton Hillis.

Once again, we only had two receivers actually do anything. Stokley, for some reason, either didn't see any action or just didn't have any catches. Collie was alright, but with no TDs from Manning he only scored six points. Random Rams receiver was junk, as expected from a Rams player. Witten was meh, as he's been all year. We just can't find a good, reliable tight end. Everyone wants a good tight end.

And then there were the Packers. Mason Crosby did alright, putting up seven points. He missed a long field goal, though. The Packers defense was not very helpful this week. I guess there's a big difference between the Browns and the Vikings. What makes it worse is that they got steamrolled by the QB that shall not be named. That guy's name is Brett Favre. He use to be the QB of the Packers for 16 years. Now he's on the hated rival Vikings. He has now defeated the Packers twice this year. Or, he's metaphorically raped and beaten them while stealing their girlfriend and money. And Victor is a Packers fan. So there that is for those of you that don't know sports (Judy (who may not even read this anyway)).

So how close were we? Let's say that someone came along and gave us 82 free points to go with our 30. Oops, we still lost. This was our worst week by far and the first time we weren't even close to anyone else. The next worse team more than doubled us with 74. But we will all agree to not blame Victor. He's already in danger of /wristing. The only bright spot is some of the right teams lost, so we're still in a tie for 6th and two games behind the 4th and final playoff spot, though we own zero tiebreakers, so we're really three games back. White people suck.

Jon sux

Since Jon sux and is too lazy to continue doing all the work documenting our team, I have to step in and preview the matchup for Week 8.

After digging through my mail to find Jon's ESPN password and stealing his identity, I finally did the research he is too lame to do. I picked up Danny Amendola, Jerheme Urban, and Jordy Nelson to replace the perpetually injured Kevin Curtis, and try to make up for the fact that our great white hope Wes Welkah is on a bye.

Our #1 position leading 11 point season total monster RB Brian Leonard is also on a bye, so being the homer I am I snatched John Kuhn up from the waiver wire. Even though his last name is oddly suspicious he is in fact white, and I forsee 2 TDs and 2 yards rushing against the Viqueens.

Since Welkah is on a bye that means Deamboat is as well, but since we have Football Jesus as well as Judas still on our roster we are OK. Obviously we are starting Football Jesus, seeing as He Who Shall Not Be Named is bound to throw 9 interceptions against the Packers to settle back into his traditional 50/50 ratio. Law of averages and all that.

We are 24 point underdogs against Team Hatfield this week, who boasts a 4-3 record. Currently he has Ochocinco starting, and hopefully he forgets that it's a Bengals bye week. This match up can actually go either way, since he has some inconsistent players. Basically we need Matt Ryan to choke against the Saints, Vince Young to turn the ball over so many times that Chris Johnson gets no touches, Brandon Jacobs to continue sucking, Bush and Bell to keep the ball away from Pierre Thomas, Roddy White to suffer from Ryan sucking, Greg Olson to die since that's the only way you can keep him from having a big day against the Browns, and the Ravens D crumble under the relentless running assault of our very own Peyton Hillis.

P.S. Jon is dumb

P.P.S. Jon is a dirty meatball

Also, Yankees suck.

Week 7 Preview/Results

Gonna do something a little different this time, since I didn't write a preview for this week. You can all blame Victor for that. He was away on business, and I was unable to consult with him on critical roster decisions until Saturday. I stress critical. So what's going to happen is I will write what I would have written and then immediately after give the result so you can see how awesome I (sometimes we) am (sometimes are) at running this team. To keep it suspenseful, the scores are at the bottom this time.

Ok, so the first major decision we had was who to play at QB. Manning has been our solid top scorer every week, but last week he was on a bye. So we of course played Brady, who promptly threw for 380 yards and 6 TDs. Now with both available, who do we play? Looking at the opponents was no help, as Manning was against the Rams while Brady was playing the Bucs in London. Both terrible teams. I was leaning toward Manning just because he has been very consistent. Victor agreed. Was this a good decision? Turns we made the right choice, but ultimately it wouldn't have mattered who we played. Manning threw for 235 yards and 3 TDs, which worked out to 21 points. Brady had 308 yards and 3 TDs, but his 2 INTs cancelled out the yardage edge, giving him only 20 points. Score one for us.

Running back is always an easy decision. We only have two, so they are in. Even when one has a bye and the other is injured and not playing. As was the case this week. Luckily this only costs us about 3 points.

It was looking like another frustrating week with our receivers. We've been getting good production from the ones that play, but we still haven't been able to field three active receivers since week one. This week seemed like it was going to be more of the same. Wes Welker was good to go, and Austin Collie was coming back off his bye last week. Unfortunately, Brandon Stokley was now going into a bye week, and Kevin Curtis seems to be perpetually injured this year. I was unable to locate an available white receiver that had a remote chance of playing. After consulting with Victor, who could also not come up with an reasonable option, we just left our injured player in. Welker would score 16 points with 1 TD and 107 yards, and Collie would grab a TD in garbage time to go with 36 yards, giving him 9 points. Pretty good contribution from 2/3 of our receivers. Kevin Curtis ate ice cream or watched porn or whatever he's been doing for the last six weeks.

Tight end is always an interesting decision (relative to how interesting these decision can possibly be). We have three on our roster, but Todd Heap had a bye, leaving us to decide between Witten and Cooley. My personal policy has been to avoid anything to do with the Redskins at all costs, so I put in Witten, even though anything to do with Dallas isn't much better than anything to do with the Redskins. I don't think I even consulted Victor on this one. Witten ended up with 5 points, while Cooley had 2, so I guess that's a victory for us. Sort of.

We currently have one kicker, so no decision to make there. We do have two defenses now, but this would prove to be an easy choice. The Packers were playing the Derek Andersons. I didn't even look to see who the 49ers were playing. This obviously was the right choice, as the Browns could only muster 3 points. They did, however, manage to muster an INT, a lost fumble, and two sacks allowed. All of these were very helpful to our defense. Go Browns. The defense would put up 13 points. Pretty solid for a defense.

Now to preview our opponent. Things were looking up this week. Our opponent was going to be the 1-5 Warren Sabores. He was clearly not managing his team, since he has had no defense for weeks and has been playing people on a bye. I looked up some stats before Sunday to kind of see where we ranked among some of the lesser teams. The Sabores are the only team that has scored fewer total points that our white brigade. We're actually in the top half of points allowed. Clearly we play good defense. Once again, Sabores is the worst in this truly meaningless stat. Victor and I also noticed that we got screwed with our division placement. We are last in our five team division. If we were in the other division we'd be tied for second and just one game behind first. Needless to say, Sabores is last in the junk division. So all things pointed to another win. But did we get the win? Well first, here's the scoring:

70 points. Not great. Would it be enough? If this was American Idol I'd take seven commercial breaks now. But it's not. We won. He only had 38 points. The end.

Week Six Results

Well, that was exciting. Big week for the Devils.

If you read the preview, you know there was some concern over not having Manning play this week. As you can see, I was right to be worried. Brady only had 380 yards and 6 TDs. The scrub didn't even play all four quarters. Well, now we officially have a QB controversy. To make it even more betterly, he was throwing some of those balls to Wes Welka. Our top score ever was 68, and these two nearly matched that by themselves.

The Packers also came through in a big way. The defense totally dominated the Lions. 21 points for a defense is huge. They were also kind enough to kick a lot of field goals.

So you'd think with that many points, we'd have an easy victory against a winless team. But no, we had to make it exciting. I was working until 7 pm on Sunday. So when I got home I checked our score. First, I was shocked to see we had 107 points. Second, I was pissed our opponent had 113. Our opponent had Matt Schaub and Ray Rice, who combined for 59 points. He also had a much more balanced contribution from the rest of his team.

So anyway, I get home, check scores, and put on the Jets game. This is relevant because he has the Jets defense. The game was tied 13-13 and going into overtime. Defensive scores are set up in brackets, and the next bracket kicks in at 14 points, so if the Jets were able to lose this game he would lose some defense points. Well, they were able to lose for us, but they also had a garbage INT in the overtime, so they actually gained a point. This meant we were down by 7 going in the Monday Night game.

Our opponent had no one left to play, so all we needed was 8 points from Hillis and Stokley. Surely we would get this from Hillis, who has a grand total of 4 points on the season. And if not him, then Stokley, who had zero points the last three weeks, would come through.

Again, I was working, so I get home and see that Hillis has zero points on zero carries. Always a good sign. Stokley has one point on 19 yards receiving. Ok, that means if he gets a TD and one yard we have the 8 we need. But it was already the fourth quarter. But wait, the Broncos have the ball and are driving. Down to the 5 yard line they go. A pass to Stokley at the goal line. He rolls in. Is he in? Is he down? The officials rule TD, but the Chargers challenge the call. As the officials check the replay, we see it at home. It's clear he was touched before he rolled in. Now the only question is if the ball was across the plane before he fell out of the endzone in the first place. The call on the field stands!!!111!! The Devils win week six!!!!!!!!!!!1!

We end up with 115, easily our highest score of the year. There was only one team with more points this week. We would have easily beaten seven of the other 8 teams, in fact. So, our crappy receiver and runningback suituation remains, but 6 TDs by your QB and some questionable calls can make up for all of that. Here we go playoffs.

Week Six Preview

This is an exciting week for the Devils. There's lots of upheaveal in our roster this week, as we have five players on a bye. This includes our top scorers from last week, Peyton Manning and Austin Collie. So this week at QB we're going to go with Brady. If he can't snap out of it against the Titans, it's all over. At receiver we're going to have to play Welker, Curtis, and Stokley. All of them are listed as questionable, and it's likely only Welker will see any meaningful action.

This week our Packer's defense and kicker are back in the lineup after having a bye last week. In related kicker news, Adam Vinatieri had surgery, so he's been dropped. Victor and I tried to think of receivers that we could pickup in his spot since we haven't had three receivers play since week one, but we couldn't come up with anyone that was likely to get playing time. I made an executive decision and picked up Todd Heap to play TE for us this week. Witten has a bye and Cooley still play for the Redskins. ESPN tells me that "in a bye week, he's worth a start in all formats, especially PPR, even with a game against the Vikings. They've been the most generous team to opposing tight ends this season." Let's see how bad this move backfires.

Luckily, our runningbacks stay consistent. It gives me comfort to know we can count on our standard three points there. When the Broncos and Bengals have a bye it's going to be tough to recover.

Our opponent this week is the 0-5 San Diego Charges. That's right, there's one team we have a better record than, and we're playing them this week. However, his point totals have been higher on average than ours, so this is no slam duck. But I think with no Peyton, probably just one receiver, and three points from our RBs we'll be ok.

Week Five Results

Sorry for the delay, Eric. I know this is the most important thing in your life every week.

This was an interesting week. We got some really strong contributions this week. Peyton came through like he has every week. And he decided to throw to Austin Collie a bunch, so he had a big night as well. In fact, he had out best non-Peyton showing of the season. Our other receiver, Wes Welker also put up a solid point total. I say other receiver because once again Stokley tricked us into thinking he was going to play.

We got our three points from Leonard and our nothing from Hillis, so no surprises there. But obviously our pickup of the 49ers defense blew up in our faces. I guess a better strategy is just take whatever team is playing the Rams. Witten also wasn't very impressive, though Cooley had zero points, so it turns out this was actually the highest score we could have gotten this week. In fact, 68 is our highest score of the year.

Sadly, our opponent scored 82. That was his lowest score of the year. But not low enough. As seems to be the norm, we would have beaten two other teams this week, and two more had scores of 69. It's late and I'm tired, so this is short and boring. Like ur face.

Week Five Preview

Here is the very delayed week five preview.

Our lineup has been forced into some changes due to the Packers having a bye this week. Our backup kicker is Adam Vinatieri. But the question on everyone's lips, everyone being Eric, has been which defense will we pick up? Which defense is white enough to be our backup for one week? Well Victor was quick to make a rock solid case for one team. I will let his words do the talking:

Victor: MARK MY WORDS
pick up uhh
jets?
rex ryan is defensive minded and very white
me: taken I'm sure
1:08 PM Victor: how about the 49rs D
since its the hom of the gays
and that's pretty much a white thing

So there it is. 49ers defense for this week.

Our receiver situation remains cloudy. Wes Welker is still questionable, but Dr. Spygate will probably have him like that the rest of the year and he played last week. Stokley is apparently off the injury report, so he's either good to go or dead. Kevin Curtis seems to have reinjured himself in practice, so he's going to have to sit again. As for tight ends, we dropped Shockey to make room for the 9ers. We're going to give Romo-Witten one more chance. They can't possibly continue to fail every week.

This week, coincidentally, we play the DP ROMOS. And he has Tony Romo. The DPs are 3-1 and have scored over 90 points in three of the weeks and 79 in the fourth. This means they are the best team we've played so far. But Victor has a good feeling about Peyton Hillis this week, so pencil us in for an easy win.

Week Four Results

Well, another week, another lose.

Our terrible receiver situation slightly improved this week, as Wes Welker made his return to action. Brady targetted him 10 times, so that makes it seem like he's back to basically full strength. Unfortunately, no TDs there. Brandon Stokley once again did not get any action, so even though he was listed as playing, he must still be hurt. Kevin Curtis had a bye, so he wasn't an option this week. But the most exciting receiver news: Austin Collie has caught a TD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's always a good thing when the white backup who's only playing because the original white receiver is out is second on your team in points.

Runningbacks blah blah blah.

Our opponent ended up with 70 to our 50 this week. Things were looking up going into Sunday night. We were actually winning by a few points and both teams had two players left to play. Unforunately, his were Philip Rivers and Ryan Grant, while ours were Mason Crosby and Packers D. We basically needed Rivers to crap the bed to have a chance of holding our lead. And into the fourth quarter of the Sunday night game it looked like he was going to do exactly that. He only had seven points at that point. Then, when I checked the score later, his total had jumped to 22. Stupid Rivers and his two stupid quick TDs. He would fumble later to drop that total to 20, but now were were down by 19 going into Monday night's game.

This game would be a double whammy. Well, a single whammy for me, but a double for Victor. Or maybe a quadruple for Victor. The single whammy was that the Packer's defense teased us early by stripping Peterson and returning it for a TD. This gave us a slim chance. But they would dash those hopes by giving up 30 points to Old Man Favre. This is where Victor's quadruple whammy comes in. The fantasy team lost in this game. His Packers lost. His Packers lost to Favre. His Packers lost to Favre. That one is worth two whammies.

My decision to bench Cooley turned out to be a mistake, as he caught a TD and had 12 points. Favre actually slightly outscored Peyton with 22, and we could have played Vinatieri for 10 over Crosby's 5. These changes would have bumped our score to 66, still not enough to win. We would have beaten one team this week. They put up a shocking 29 points. I looked at the team roster and the guy is clearly not active, so maybe we can beat them in week 7 when we play them. We are still in 9th out of 10 overall, though, because there's a team with no wins.

Week Four Preview

Eric will be terribly bored for two minutes if I don't give him a preview. Unforunately there's not going to much to preview. Victor and I spent all of no minutes game planning this week. Probably because we have so much confidence in our team. We're going with almost the same lineup as last week. The only change will be Witten in for Cooley. We can't have our team associated with the Redskins. As with the last week, our receiver situation is a big question mark. The Eagles have a bye, so no Kevin Curtis. That means Welker and Stokley are in, but maybe not in the actual game they are suppose to play since they are both still questionable. We'll have to rely on our stellar running backs and Austin Collie to pick up the slack.

This week we play the 3-0 Sam Crows. They had high point totals the first two weeks, going over 90 both times. But last week they only had 67, so I guess in theory we can beat them. After perusing his roster, one thing working for us is that DeAngelo Williams has a bye this week. But he has Reggie Wayne. Here's hoping for Manning to Collie all day long.

Week Three Results......IN A WIN BITCHES

Yes, that's right. It only took three weeks for our scrubs to win one. As expected, it was a defensive struggle where we had to keep our opponent from scoring too much.

First order of business, if you look to the right, I've offically dropped Madison Hedgecock and added Austin Collie. This happened last week, but thinking it would only be a temporary signing, I didn't update the roster. Well, this week we had 4 injured receivers, hence Austin Collie being the only one to actually play for us. So he's on the team now. Yes, that's right, Welker, Gonzalez, Stokley, and Curtis were all either inactive or didn't see any real playing time due to injury. So we played one receiver and got three points from our running backs and still won. Football always makes sense.

While on the topic of running backs, Peyton Hillis came through with his usual contribution. Two carries, one yard, no points. Leonard had three points, which, while not much for us, came on huge plays for the Bengals. His 11 yard reception came on 4th down of the final drive of the game right before Carson Palmer threw for the winning touchdown. Then they went for two, and Leonard converted that as well, though for some reason it doesn't show up on the score thing up there. So even though he only gets us three points, he's worth 10 points in my heart.

Victor's Packers also came through for us this week, with the defense putting up solid numbers, beating the other team's defense 10-6. Mason Crosby was also a key contributor winning the kicker battle 13-4. Though he did miss an extra point. And that's just unacceptable. Entirely unacceptable. Especially in a game like this where the team is fighting and scrapping. For a kicker to miss that kick, totally unacceptable. A kicker has to do one thing: make the kick. No excuses, no wind, no weather. Just make the kick. We'll think about changing everything.

But it should be obvious to anyone that the reason we were victorious this week, aside from our opponent crapping out a 59 point total, was that we were smart enough to play Peyton Manning. After some mid-week debate (consisting of 3 minutes of gmail chat) we decided to bench Brady until he shows some signs of life. It also seems like the Colts will be scoring a lot this year. Mostly we are just geniuses. Not Mangeniuses, of course (lolololol Browns). So if we can count on Peyton for 29 points every week we have a chance.

We would have actually beaten two other teams this week, including the guy we lost to last week. We came very close to playing our highest possible scoring lineup this week. The only improvement would have been Jason Witten over Chris Cooley for 7 points instead of 3. I think we will make this switch because after the Redskins lost to Detriot there's no way to tell what will happen in our nation's capital. So there that week is. I think we should blow this single win completely out of proportion in true NFL style. If we don't make the playoffs now, this entire season will be a waste and everyone in management should be shot.

Week Three Preview

Eric has been asking for a preview. Then he had the audacity to challenge me to write it in "brian-esque hax0r in all caps."

IN TEH 3RD WEEK PYETON MANNING TEH QB IS HE WAS 1337 LAST WEEK + BRADY SUXOR SO PEYTON > BARDY SO THERE THAT RESON IS R FUXING TEAM IZ SEW GETTING HURT SO THAT SUX LIEK NOW STOKLEY HAS A Q BY HIS NAME AND WELER DOES 2 IF BOTH R OUT WE = FUCT VICTOR HAS 2 CHECK B4 GAME BCUZ I HAF 2 WORK HE CAN PICK TEH TE 2 SINEC I DONT CARE WICH PLAYS WE PLAY TEAM ROZAS THEY PWNED 1ST WEEK W/104PTS BUT SUXED 2ND WEEK W/80 SO ROOT 4 SUX + MAYB THERE TEH 1ST WIN IS!!1 WE PORJECT 2 65 + THEY R 87 SEW THATS CLOSE THIS IS RLY FUXING HARD HERE TEH END IS L8R NEWBS

Week Two Results

Another week, another lose.

This was a tough week for the Devils. Not only are we saddled with all white players, but now some of our best are getting hurt. Anthony Gonzalez is going to be out up to 8 weeks. This was expected, though, as this injury happened last week. But the surprise of the week was Wes Welker sitting out. By dumb luck I found about this in time to pick up a random white receiver to play in his place. I was watching the Yankees before bed the night before, so my TV was on the YES channel. They simulcast Mike Francesa's radio show, so when I turned on the TV he mentioned Welker was out. Then I changed the channel. Good luck for me. So I picked up Austin Collie, who was starting in place of Gonzalez. The bad luck is that he contributed no points.

So our top two receivers were out for week two. Our top pick, Tom Brady, who we are going to rely on all year, had a sub-par week. We probably need 20+ out of him to have a chance of winning, so 6 isn't going to cut it. Peyton Manning had 20, so we may have to bench Brady if he doesn't shape up. The Packers defense gave up a lot of points, but countered with some INTs and a defensive score, so we got a respectable number from them. Our oppenent had the Eagles defense, and they got crushed by the Saints, putting up a -4. Unfotunately, he also had Marques Colston of said Saints, who had 90+ yards and 2 TDS giving him 21 points from one receiver. Our decision to play Cooley over Shockey and Witten was largely unimportant, as our two benched TEs had 4 and 9 points to Cooley's 8.

Our bright spots of the week came in the form of our running backs. Brian Leonard continues to impress, putting up points two straight weeks. And Peyton Hillis turned his one official carry of the game into a TD. I say official carry because he had another one where he lost a fumble, hence 4 points instead of 6 for the week. This is more than we expect to get out of our running backs most weeks.

After a first week in which we could have contended with a few teams, we weren't even close this week. The next closest score to our 44 was a 66 and our opponent was the third worst of the week with a 67. There were 3 teams over 100. Playing the ever popular "what if" game, if we had played our bench players exactly right, we could have topped out at 64 points this week, still not enough to beat anyone. The Devils will be running laps this week, Mangenius style.

Week Two Preview

Here's a little something to waste 3 minutes on during your Friday workday. First order of business, we have listened to our legions of followers and have gone with the Packer's defense. Even if they suck, at least Victor will be rooting for them every week. We have also moved Brandon Stokley into the lineup in place of the injured Anthony Gonzalez. Our hardest decision each week will probably be which tight end to play as we have three good ones to choose from. This week we decided to go with Chris Cooley. I got to see him in person last week and he seems to be Jason Campbell's favorite target. Then again, the phrase "Jason Campbell's favorite target" should probably steer you away from a player, so we ultimately went with him because the Skins are playing the Rams while the Saints play the Eagles and the Cowboys play the Giants. This will surely work against us.

This week we play Team Cook. They scored a paltry 113 points last week, so I like our chances. All we have to do is increase our last point total by 150% are we should win easily. ESPN projects them to 103 points while we project to 43. But what does ESPN know?

Week One Results

Week One is complete, and we are right where we expected to be: 0-1. Here is how we did:

The week started off on Thursday night with the Packers playing our Bears defense. We also had Mason Crosby, the Packers kicker, so I was hoping for four or five field goals from the Packers and nothing else. But no, we were cursed from the beginning because Victor is a Packers fan and he told me he wanted them to destroy the Bears. As a result the one white defensive face of any defense was hurt for the year. With Brian Urlacher out we feel like we need to find a new defense. We are turning to our faithful readers to help us out. At the bottom of this post you will find a list of defenses we can pick up. Your job is to determine which defense is most white.

The majority of the games were played on Sunday. I was actually at the Gaints game, so I got to watch our third running back, Madison Hedgecock, return a squib kick a couple yards. If we crack 20 points on the year from our running backs I'll be pleased. You can see we didn't do our homework, as we left in Anthony Gonzalez even though he's hurt. We also didn't get much out of Kevin Curtis, but Jason Witten provided a decent number of points.

On Monday night, our quarterback, The Golden Boy, was playing. We were regretting our decision to take him over Brees, who had 6 TDs, as Brady was not looking like his old self. But in the final 2 minutes he threw a couple TDs and became our points leader for the week, accounting for nearly 40% of our total.

We have two other tight ends on the team, Chris Cooley and Jeremy Shockey. The produced points of 12 and 15 respectively. If we had played Brandon Stokely in place of Gonzalez that would have been another 14 points. So we could have maxed out at 77 this week. Old man Favre had 8 points for those of you that <3 him.

So how did we do compared to the rest of the league? Well, believe it or not, there was one team we would have beaten. They came in with a 49. Two more teams were in within striking distance with scores of 58 and 62. Our opponent had 90, so there was no chance there, and there were four scores over 100. But this gives me hope that we can win at least one week.

Ok, here's the list of defenses we can still pick up:

The Draft

Last weekend I travelled to Maryland to visit Sophie and Victor and watch the Yankees beat down the Orioles in Camden Yards. We were watching the Bears play the Broncos in some preseason NFL action when the topic of fantasy drafts came up. Victor decided he should run a few mock drafts before his real draft, so he signed up for a couple mock drafts and even joined a public league. The draft for that wasn't for an hour, though. Then something magical happened. The Broncos handed off to Peyton Hillis, prompting Victor to comment on how he was the best white running back in the league. Trying to even think of another white running back sparked the idea of drafting an all white fantasy team.

Now we had to plan out our team. Quarterbacks, tight ends, and kickers were going to be easy. Receivers and running backs, not so much. We did some research and determined that no one would even pick a white running back, so we decided to pick quarterbacks first. Yes, two quarterbacks as our first picks. Then we had to quickly get all the good white wide receivers. In fact, the running backs were our last picks. Brian Leonard wasn't even going to definitely make Cincinnati's roster and Madison Hedgecock has a projected zero carries for 2009. We settled on the Bears as our defense since Brian Urlacher is the face of the Bear's defense and he's white. We tried to find out of Anthony Gonzalez is really white. He looks very white, but his last name suggests otherwise. Finding no definitive answer, we took him because it was easier. So after settling on our picks and our draft order, we just had to decide if we wanted to ruin this public league. We have no souls, so we went ahead with it.

The draft was still more than 30 minutes away, and we didn't want to sit through an actual draft by then, so we decided to just set up an autodraft, feeling confident no one was going to take Wes Welker before round three or Brett Favre ever. The only pick we didn't get was Drew Brees in the second round, but we had Peyton Manning as a backup pick. So our team was set. But then while we were watching Sports Center, Victor realized we had made a major error in not drafting WR Kevin Walter of the Texans. We immediately tried to trade for him, offering TE Chris Cooley to a guy with the Detroit tight end. We have plenty of tight ends as trade bait. Unfortunately this guy has not accepted or rejected the trade offer yet. Half the league was on autodraft because they were absent, so there's a good chance he hasn't looked at his team at all.

We plan updates every Tuesday after the weekend action. Let's see if we can finish in not last.

A Missing Devil

You probably have noticed by now that we committed a major oversight when we drafted our team. Yes, we erred in not taking the second best white receiver in the league: Kevin Walter. Oddly enough I ended up with this superbly Caucasian WR in my alternate league, which as far as you know also consists entirely of pallid players.

Nevertheless, we retain high hopes for this team and its ability to overcome the horde of dusky opposition and doubters. In fact you may have seen one of our star RB's, Brian Leonard, in a recent Sports Center Top Plays highlight, which we find extremely gratifying. Of course, there is also the possibility he won't even make the Bengals' roster over DeDe Dorsey...

Make the right choice Cincy. Look past his inferior athleticism and poor special teams play, and instead focus on him as a shining beacon of hope to white running backs around the world, so that eventually people like us won't be left drafting crap at the position.

Go White Devils!