Week Three: Tres Semanas

What an exciting week. At least for those of us that knew the score. So just Victor and me. I will try to capture that excitement for the rest of you. But it won't work. So just use this as a way to waste some time at work.

As usual, I saw zero Sunday games, but this week I was able to catch the second half of the Monday night game.

This week we went with the controversial decision to bench Rodgers and play Brady. Things were looking quite good until the second half, when Brady would stupidly throw 4 interceptions. Luckily he already had 4 touchdowns. But that turned a great day into an alright day. He ended up with 23 point to Rodgers's's's 12, so it was still the right move.

Let's cover our other two Patriots players while we're figuratively here. Danny Woodhead continues to be what we thought he was. Had a few yards rushing, a few yards receiving. Good for 4 points. Wes Welker has obviously been murdered and replaced with a robot from Mars. And the robot is not a white robot but we just can't tell because we don't have much experience with sentient robots. 217 yards receiving and 2 TDs, good for 34 points. He now has the third most points in the league behind Brady and Brees. That's right, we have two of the top three point scorers in the entire league.

Our other runningback, Peyton Hillis, did not play do to a tickle in his throat. He obviously has the plague from being on the Madden cover so we expect to get no points from him for the rest of the year. Luckily every other runningback we could play also put up zero points, so leaving Hillis in was the right move. Or the indifferent move.

The rest of our receivers were not so prolific. Jordy Nelson came back to earth this week with 40 yards and no scores. Victor also picked up some dude named Eric Decker on Denver. Supposedly Kyle Orton likes to throw to him. This week he had 48 yards and no scores. Together that's 8 points. Receivers on the bench were Brian Hartline, Kevin Walter, and Austin Collie. They would have contributed 8, 9, and 2 points respectively. This may be important later. (This is what us writers call subtle foreshadowing.)

And now to the Eagles lack of defense. Who lets Eli Manning throw 4 TDs and no INTs? Seriously. Well, at least I'm a Giants fan, so this didn't really upset me. But Victor, poor Victor. I think everyone should send him Sun Chips to cheer him up. Well, at least they didn't give us negative points. We got 2 from the defense.

Crosby had his normal good day kicking some stuff through some things. Two field goals and three extra points for 9 total.

Now I'm hungry, so I'll just give you the highlights from our opponent before I jump into the Monday night game. In what is becoming a league wide trend, our opponent started someone who is out for the season. It didn't seem to hurt him very much, though, as he got solid contributions from his QB, primary runningback, and TE. With a few more points sprinkled in, he was able to come into the Monday game with a total of 78. Those of you that were counting know we had 80. Both of us had two players left. Felix Jones for him, Jason Witten for us.

As I got home during halftime, the count stood at 83-80 in his favor. Jones had some rushing and receiving yards, while Witten had only 7 yards receiving. Witten would eventually climb to 60 yards, but Jones would continue to match him, rushing for over 100 when all was said and done. Our hopes were down to the final drive of the game for Dallas. We basically needed a Witten touchdown. Yet somehow a team with botched snaps, fumbles, and misrun routes could not muster that TD. Stupid 5 fields goals and they win. And we lose. Final score 93-86. Oh yeah, remember those benched receiver scores? We have 95 if we play those two guys. Way to go Victor. I take back my Sun Chips request.

Some parting thoughts. The team we played was also 2-0 and in our division, so we are now in second place in our division. Four teams will make the playoffs, so we are still in right now due to tie breakers. This is odd to say, but we need Hillis to get healthy. He is important? I mean, he is important. Wide receiver will continue to be a crapshoot for us. One that Victor better win 100% of the time from now on. But our undefeated season comes to an end in week three. Angels weep and milk curdles. Skies darken and the four horsemen ride. Until next week, that is.

Week 2: Will this sequel suck?

Week 2. The week dreams are made. Or nightmares are born. Or the week where after it's over you can add up anyone's wins and loses and get 2. But would our 2 come from two wins or one win and one lose? Let's find out.

Note: I work all day on Sundays. I saw exactly no minutes of any game this week. Some of the following events may be invented.

I can't be bothered to look up game times and do this in chronological order, so let's go by position. First up, QB. Dear, sweet, beautiful Aaron Rodger. Aaron is no Cam Newton, but he's been very good and consistent over two games. This week he was over 300 yards again with 2 TDs and no picks for 21 points. Brady was on our bench, and anyone that cares about football know he's putting up crazy numbers (28 fantasy points this week), so even though Rodgers has been good, we're probably going with Brady in week 3. Our opponent skillfully countered with Peyton Manning at QB. I'm beginning to think some people aren't running their teams. Needless to say, QB advantage went to us 28-0.

Let's do runningbacks as a unit. Peyton Hillis played like a true number one RB this week with 94 yards and 2 TDs. He also had a fumble, but we'll forgive that. For now. Danny Woodhead did what we expected. 12 yards rushing. But he also threw in a 2 point conversion. So 21 points from Peyton-Soon-To-Tear-ACL-Hillis and 4 from Woodhead. Our opponent has Steven Jackson of the Rams and the new highest paid runninback ever, Chris Johnson. Just two problems. Jackson was hurt and Johnson was bad. But he also has LeSean McCoy of the Eagles who had 95 yards and 2 TDs. This is the sort of runningback core you can have when they can be not white. So we lose that one 32-25, but that's pretty close. And over two weeks we have actually outscored our opponents in runningback 39-35. And we only play two white ones each week.

After our receiving core got all blowed up last week, we made one change and considered some others. Victor actually watches these games, so he can see white people play. He determined we should get some dude named Hartline on Miami. Let me find out his first name. Brian. Pretty damn white. Well Brian was meh with just 35 yards. Welker, last weeks hero, had 81 yards. Our big surprise contributor at WR continues to be Jordy Nelson. This week he had 84 yards and 1 TD. I did some research and found out that he did all that with just one catch. Let's see, did we beat our opponent at this position too? I don't feel like writing out his guys again, so he got 23 points total while we got 25. Slight win. That whole playing Peyton Manning thing looks like it might be big.

Oh, TE was good for us. Witten with 10, his guy with 0.

I finished work at 10 pm Sunday night and before I left I checked in on the Sunday night game using ESPN's Fantasy Cast. The game was Eagles and Atlanta. We have the Eagles defense, and when I checked things were pretty good. Not so much later. Giving up 35 points doesn't help your defense score. Meanwhile, our opponent's Detroit defense only gave up 3 points. This results in a 20-5 score in defense.

Last and least, kickers. The Packers did right by us this week. For kicking that means field goals. Crosby had 3 as well as 3 extra points. 12 for us. His guy had 6.

For those of you keeping tally, you wasted your time. I'm going to tell you the total scores now. I think I made it seem close the way I presented this, but we won 98 to 78. So the White Devils remain undefeated. In fact, Victor tried to pick up another white receiver today and discovered we're second to last in the waiver order. This means we're really good. The top points forced is 206 and we're at 202. I think we're almost living in a world where whites are equal to everyone else.

Anyway, here's some box score thing if you care. We would have beaten 6 out of 9 teams this week.

Week 1: The Beginening

First, congratulations to those of us that didn't take Peyton Manning this year. For those that did (Az), there's always next year. On to the results.

Our week started with the Packers and Saints on Thursday night. I don't know if I made this clear yet, but Victor wants to have sex with the Packers, so needless to say we had a few guys in that game. QB Aaron Rodgers was one of them. He had an effective evening, putting up 312 yards and 3 TDs with no INTs. This was good for 24 points. We also had Mason Crosby, the Packers' kicker. Since the Packers scored 6 TDs, we got 6 points from him.

Those of you that have intensely analyzed our roster have probably noted that we have a lot of receivers. We can only play three of them, so how did we decide which to play? Well that's easy. Victor starts any Packer first and tells me about it after the game starts. So we also had Jordy Nelson in this game. Rodgers must be on the white power bandwagon, because he threw quite a few passes to Jordy. 77 yards and 1 TD worth of passes actually. This comes out to 13 points.

Our opponent had Drew Brees and the Saints defense in this game as well. Brees had a good night, earning 28 points, but the defense gave up 42 points to the Packers, ending up with 4 fantasy points. This gave us a 43 to 32 lead after game one of the season.

Come Sunday, we had two decisions to make. First, Witten or Clark at tight end? Second, Austin Collie, Kevin Walter, or Danny Amendola as our final receiver (Welker was in for sure). My thoughts were play no one on the Colts. Victor disagreed. Since neither of us really care we just left things the way they were. This turned out to mean Clark and Collie were in.

In the end the receiver decision was mostly irrelevant. Collie had no catches and no points, but the other two guys got hurt and will probably miss some time. Dallas Clark had 39 yards which translates to 3 points. Not a great total, but we'd have to wait until the Sunday night game to see if Witten could do better.

Peyton Hillis was our lone running back on Sunday, as Woodhead would play Monday night. Loyal readers may recall that two years ago we were supper happy if we got any points from our runningbacks. That is not the case this year. Hillis is starter. He's even on the cover of Madden. He's got to put up 80 points a game or he sucks. Oh wait, he's on the Browns. So he does suck. He only had 57 yards rushing, but he was able to catch some passes for 30 yards, so he gave us 8 points. Come on lone white starting runningback. We need more out of you.

Our last contributor on Sunday was the Eagles defense. They had a good day, giving up just 13 points with a TD, fumble recovery, and 5 sacks. This was good for 16 points.

But what about our opponent? Thanks for asking a question that leads right into the next paragraph. Our opponent's top runningback is Arian Foster of the Texans. In what was clearly a sign that he was a afraid of whitey, Foster was hurt for the game. This meant he contributed zero points. Good for us.

He played 3 receivers like us. Dwayne Bowe and Vincent Jackson played during the day and contributed a total of 4 points. Also good for us.

Zach Miller of Seattle is his tight end. 19 yards. 1 fantasy point. More good for us.

This takes us to Sunday night, where the Jets would host the Cowboys. We had no active players in this game, but we'd find out of Clark was the right choice over Witten. The answer is no. Witten had 6 catches for 110 yards which comes out to 11 fantasy points. Our opponent had receiver Dez Bryant. He had 71 yards and a TD which was good for 13 points. Luckily he got hurt partway through to game and was ineffective after that.

So going into Monday night the totals were us at 70 points, opponent at 50. We had two players left, he had one. Things were looking white.

Our two remaining players were both Patriots, and they played the early game on Monday. Danny Woodhead was acceptable, with his 14 carries for 69 yards and 6 points. Wes Welker was Jesus, putting up 160 yards with 2 TDs, one of which was a 99 yard TD. He contributed a mere 28 points, becoming our top scorer for the week. This put us in a commanding 104 to 50 lead.

The only guy that could ruin our week was runningback Knowshown Moreno of the Broncos. If he could rush for 300 yards and 6 TDs we'd be tied. Could he do it???? No, that's stupid. He rushed for 22 yards with 35 receiving yards and a lost fumble. 3 points.

We win 104-53.

Loyal readers may also recall that at the end of every results post I would see how we compared to the rest of the league. Often times even if we won we got lucky and played someone that was just really bad that week. Well this week we played the guy with the worst score. But in a schocking turn of events, we did not need this luck. Our 104 was the top score of the week. Someone better start planning the championship parade. Here's proof of this life-affirming event:

And with that, we bid you see you next time.

Grievous oversite

Somehow, despite our long grueling minutes of extensive research, we overlooked a white Packers player. Yes, I am of course referring to the immortal John Kuhn (pronounced "cooooooooooooooon"). What makes this an even more egregious mistake is that Kuhn is a first stringer! True, he's a first string fullback... but the Packers love their I formation quick FB hand-off on 3rd and short that fools nobody and gains an average of 1 yard. Kuhn also has some package plays around the goal line, usually popping into the flat for an easy score because Aaron Rodgers is the bestest ever.

My fearless prediction for the year is 58 yards rushing, 16 yards receiving, and 3 TDs. That is roughly infinity more points per game than Brian Leonard provided us two years ago.The real bonus is that every time Kuhn touches the ball, a chorus of "COOOOOOOOOON" rains down from the stands. It's the little things in life.

Oh yeah and I dropped the Giants D for Kuhn because Giants suck and Packers rule lololololol in ur face Jon.