We remembered to do it this year

Everyone's favorite idea has made its triumphant return. I spent the (hurricane) weekend in Maryland visiting Victor and Sophie. And in a shocking turn of events, this year we both remembered and were also not too lazy to do the all white fantasy football draft. For those new readers that don't exist, the concept is simple, yet quite nuanced. We join a public draft on EPSN, but to make things both challenging and racist, we may only draft white players. Here's the exciting recap of the draft. Wait a minute while I bring up the draft results. I don't actually remember what happened exactly.

Ok, here we go. First, every successful season starts with research and planning. And this season would be no different. After our initial, "Should we do the white team this year?" "Sure, we have a couple hours to kill." conversation, we carefully considered our mistakes from the first year. This meant that we looked up every team's starting runningbacks and receivers. This wasn't as hard as it sounds. There was a spreadsheet with the all the starters by position. Then we looked up images of any unknowns to see if they were white. Usually they were not. Then, and this was crucial, we made sure we didn't forget who the white ones were. Some of these white receivers are super forgettable, so that was a chllenge. This concluded the research portion of our draft.

Victor logged in and looked for a public draft to join. But then came the moment no one was prepared for. There were snake drafts and auction drafts. And we had to choose which kind to do. We deliberated for at least 1 minute. It became clear that an auction draft would allow us to get every player we would want. For those unfamiliar with an auction draft, it works like this. Every team starts with a set amount of money. In our case it was $200. Then each team takes turns choosing a player to put up for auction. This player may be bid on by any team. Highest bid takes the player. We felt this would work well for us because most of the players we would need to acquire would go for very cheap. This meant we could spend a lot on the few good white players and make sure we got them.

Alright, on to the draft. It turns out ESPN doesn't give a good recap of auction drafts, so a lot of this will be from memory. Luckily for all of you, I remember things like someone that remembers stuff good. Our general strategy was to nominate a few good whites early so as not to look suspicous, then put up the people no one was ever going to nominate. We would let others nominate the mid-level whites. As it turns out, no one ever seems to care enough in these public drafts to get suspicious, but at least it gave us someonthing to strategize about.

We were 5th or 6th out of 10 in the nomination order. Our first nomination was Aaron Rodgers. Rodgers had to be our quarterback because Victor wants to have sex with him. We took him for $45.

A little aside before our second pick. Runningback is the top position in fantasy football. By our count, there are exactly 3 white runningbacks that are expected to see somewhat regular playing time. Two of those are not the starter. This meant that perhaps the most important player to our team is the one white starting runningback, Peyton Hillis. Basically, someone could have bid us up to $190 and we would have had to take him for that. But we decided to spring our trap in the second round before anyone could be on to us. As a result, we were able to get Hillis for $32. Now we just have to wait for the Madden Curse to kick in.

Round three we took Tom Brady as a defensive measure. This is something you can do when it's clear you will not spend anywhere near $200 on white players if you just take players you need.

At this point everyone else we wanted was projected at under $20, with about half of them projected for under $2. We put up Austin Collie as our next nomination. He's the third wide receiver for the Colts. It was very early in the draft to be putting up someone of his level, and our cunning strategy worked out. Other teams were not willing to go high on him, so we got him for $10.

Now you would think some teams might begin to suspect what we are doing. Especially since our name is White Devils. But no, no one seems to notice. At this point we considered our options. We had originally planned to get either Dallas Clark or Jason Witten as our tight end, and then get a backup tight end later. But the way the money was shaking out we realized we could just get both of them. Someone would eventually nominate these guys, so our plan was to wait it out and not spend any nominations on them. We also wanted Wes Wekler, but felt someone else would nominate him as well. So our next two nominations were Kevin Walter and Jordy Nelson. Walter is actually the second receiver for the Texans, but is relatively unknown because he plays for the Texans. Nelson is a Packer so Victor wants to have sex with him. We got these guys for $3 and $7 respectively.

The two tight ends were our next two pickups. I think we probably nominated one and someone else put up the other, but I can't exactly remember. Clark went for $12 and Witten went for $14.

I think around this time the Packers defense got put up. This was the defense we were targeting for a few reasons. Defense is always a tought choice for us. We usually try to pick one that has a prominent white player. The Packers work well because they have Clay Matthews. Also, Victor wants to have sex with all the dudes on the Packers defense. But for whatever reason the Packers got bid up quite high ($13) for this early in the draft. In fact, looking back they probably went up before the tight ends, because we decided we couldn't spend that much on a defense at this point. The ravens defense also came up, but there's nothing white about those guys, so we didn't even bid on them.

We snuck in a $1 Danny Amendola before someone else put up Wes Welker. We took him for $15. This left us with 3 must-haves. We needed a second runningback, a defense, and a kicker.

Runningback was easily dealt with. We got Danny Woodhead for $1. Woodhead is the second back for the Patriots. He should be good for 2 carries and 4 yards a week.

For defense we tried to get the Jets thinking that Rex Ryan is the face of the defense and he's really white and fat. But the Jets went for $18 at a time when we only had $17 left to spend. So instead we ended up taking the Eagles for $5. Victor tells me Clay Matthews' brother is on the team. Good enough. Plus he wants to have sex with the brother of any Packer.

Finally, rounding out the starters, we took Mason Crosby as our kicker for $1. Five points if you can guess what team he plays for and who wants to have sex with him.

Our last non-autopick was Toby Gerhart. He's the second runningback for the Vikings behind Adrian Peterson. Should be a gold mine. $1.

At this point we were bored and went to eat. We set up autonominate for our last two picks and left. And to our horror we came back to find that the autobid did not understand our whites only rule. So we got two other guys that we immediately dropped. We picked up Colt McCoy because when I was in Denver it seemed like Mike wanted to have sex with him. But he's our third QB, so don't get your hopes up Mike. And we grabbed the Giants defense because I have an entirely platonic friendship with the Giants. They'll serve as our backup defense for the Eagles' bye week. I don't know what's white about them, but there's only so much effort we're going to put into this.

So there's the team. We look to improve on our 4-9 record from two years ago. We both feel good about this team. For now it seems our team theme goes unnoticed by the league. They were more concerned with berating the guy that still had $140 left after 10 rounds. We're gonna sneak up on all these chumps and win the whole thing.