Week 12: You're Welcome Again

This week featured three Thanksgiving games. I was actually able to watch the first two. Well, most of the first one and the second one. Luckily not much happened in the first half of the Packers game. Let's start there.

The Packers were up against the Detoit Lions. When we turned the game on we discovered the Packers were winning by a mere 7 points. Fortunately these points were the result of a TD pass by Rodgers. But as everyone knows, as the Packers go, so goes the White Devils. One touchdown would not be enough. So going into the second half the question on everyone's mind was whether or not the Packers could avoid getting their necks broken and their faces stomped by the Lions. Luckily the Packers were able to turn it on a bit in the second half. The nice thing about watching them is knowing that no matter how they score, we are getting points. In the third quarter we got a TD run from Kuhn, then another TD pass from Rodgers, and finally a field goal from Crosby. Crosby had one more field goal in the fourth quarter. Jordy Nelson also contributed with a few dropped passes and 26 yards. The net result was 38 points our Packers players.

Side note. Our Packer laden team presents me with what would be considered a dilemma if I really cared. The Packers play the Giants this week. If they lose there is a good chance they will bench some starters in the last game or two because they won't be chasing an undefeated season anymore. This is bad for us because it would line up with our championship weeks. But if the Giants lose their playoffs hopes become quite small. What's my point? Just that I'm so brave to face this problem.

The second game featured Dallas and Miami. I was sort of watching this game. But since Witten was not really involved, my attention wavered somewhat. With just 43 yards and no TDs, Witten contributed 4 points. The defense gave up 19 points, though I blame Tony Romo for some of that. But alas, our scoring system does not care, so that was good for 5 points. Our opponent managed to have no one playing in these games, unless you count Felix Jones who did not play, so that put us up 47 to zero.

Actually, I'm not even going to mention our opponent again since half of his guys were out with injuries. For example, his QB was Matt Schaub. Oh, this is exciting. Toby Gerhart got to play with Adrian Peterson out. He had 44 yards and a TD. And Peyton Hillis had over 60 yards on our bench. So we actually got 18 points from out runningbacks this week. That must be a record of some sort.

I'm so unfocused for this, so let me just inform you that Wes Welker is back from whatever month long vacation he was on. He clocked in at 115 yards and 2 TDs. And finally, Tim Tebow connected with Eric Decker for 65 yards and a TD.

The final tally was 93 for us and 58 for other guy. Notice how we always win the week I return from an absence? So you are welcome for that. But wait. There's more. Here are the current standings:

For those of you too lazy to decipher that, we are now garaunteed to be in the top 4 when the regular season ends next week. This means we are playoff bound. So you are welcome for that as well. Furthermore, we are first in our division with a lead of one game with one to go. All we have to do is score enough points and we will be a division winner. Furtherfurthermore, we are now tied in record with the top team in the league. It's doubtful we will make up the 39 points gap in the tiebreaker, but if he loses and we win next week we become the top team in the league.

So rejoice followers. There will be at least 3 more weeks of this crap. And if we're all lucky we'll be having a White Christmas.

Week 11: We're Sexy and We Know It

I have to fill in again because Jon is off to His Tebowness' homeland, Tebowing while swinging his stick at some balls.

This week didn't start off well with Decker deciding to lay a big fat goose egg. He was targeted five times, but failed to catch a single pass. This is OK though because it's all according to His plan.

Fortunately, there's no real way to make this suspenseful because I know you all watched the GB game and saw Jordy tear it up for 123 yards and 2 tds, and even KUUUHN got a score. The most interesting part of this week was Jordy's affirmation that he's only good because he's white: "As a few people in the locker room have informed me, it's probably because of my skin color. I'm a little taller. I don't look fast. But my stride catches up to people once I get going." "I went 84 (yards) and Wes Welker went 99,” Nelson said then. “We're coming back. "I think (Brandon) Stokley's still around. . . . If they underestimate me, that's fine. I don't care what they think. It benefits me if they don't think I'll get by them." So poignant. That should be our team motto.

Our opponent started Vick, Jahvid Best, and Andre Johnson... so yeah, we had won before the Monday night game even rolled around. Even though Welker decided to take the KC game off, we still somehow recorded the highest score in the league at 84 points. We took firm control of the Eastern Division at 8-3, with 2 weeks left in the regular season. Up next is Team Shea, who is only fielding two player on IR, so it should be a close one. We did pick up a valuable asset this week, however. Due to Adrian Peterson's injury we may actually have a RB that will start for a team in Toby Gerhart. Inconceivable!

Obviously my heart wasn't into writing a recap for this week, but I figured I should throw something up before tomorrow's games. Blame Jon, he sucks.

Week 10: Wrath of Kuhn

Funny story. I started writing this before work today, and the power went out again for a few hours. Ok, maybe not that funny. While I'm not talking about the results this week, let's add one more thing. I will be away all next week, so if there's anyone with both access to the team and this blog, it falls on you to update. Anyone at all. Anyone who has access to both. Fight amongst yourself for the honor.

I usually start with Aaron Rodgers, but the Packers played on Monday night this week, so let's save them for last. Let's start with our players from Sunday.

First up, Eric Decker of the Denver Tebows. As you may have heard, Denver was able to win this game with just 2 completions from Tebow. This, of course, does not bode well for a receiver. The good news is that Decker caught 50% of all the passes for Denver. The bad news is that that translates to one catch. But the gooder news is that that one reception was for 56 yards. And the gooderest news was that it also went for a TD. Good for 11 fantasy points. Way to be efficient Eric Decker. If you can maintain an 11 point per catch pace we will continue to play you.

Next up, American's Team. Which is the Cowboys in case you forgot. Which is understandable since they haven't been very good for roughly a long time. But they came to play this week. Well, Jason Witten sort of did. He had 5 catches for 37 yards. So just 3 points. Better than Peyton Hillis? But the defense was quite good. They only gave up 7 points, but they had 3 INTs, a fumble recovery, and a TD. This was good for 20 points. More than Peyton Hillis all year?

This takes us to the Sunday night game. Jets vs. Patriots. Rex vs. Belichek. Brady vs. The Sanchize. Not much of game in the end. But we did have Wes Wekla and Danny Woodhead in this game. Welker's game was pedestrian, consisting of just 6 receptions for 46 yards. Unfortunately for Welker, Rob Gronkowski was busy catching every other pass for 9000000 yards and 70000 TDs. Danny Woodhead played too and earned 3 fantasy points for various rushes and catches.

This put our total at 41. Not very good, but keep in mind we still had all of our Packers left. Which is four players. On a team of nine. No bias here.

Our opponent countered with some scary names. There was Drew Brees. He threw for over 300 yards and 2 TDs. Then there was Arian Foster. Hm, Arian. Should be on our team. But no, he's completely unwhite. Also, he's a competent runningback. So that's two strikes. He had a lowly 180+ yards from scrimmage and a feable 2 TDs. So 20 points from Brees and 30 from Foster put him at 50. Ok, so he's beating us with just two players. That's not that bad. Dez Bryant added another 13 points, but that was about it for him. With a couple more points scattered around, our opponent ended up at a total of 71.

This meant we just needed Rodgers to score over 30 points. Or Crosby to manage 3 points and Rodgers to score over 27 points. With the moral support of John Kuhn and Jordy Nelson anything was possible. But wait. What's this? Nelson actually had 2 TDs. Which means 2 TDs for Rodgers. And the mighty Kuhn also had a TD. He even had 9 yards to go with it. So we actually got 24 points from Nelson and Kuhn. The Packers scored 45 points, so Crosby managed 9. Once again he had six extra points. Is that normal? So this week Rodgers was not even needed. But he did put up 28 points by throwing for 250 yards and 4 TDs. I think they actually sat him in the 4th quarter, too.

So in the end we once again come with the top score for the week at 102. As a bonus the 8-1 team lost. As a non-bonus, the team that is tied with us for first in the division also won. But we did gain on the tiebreaker by scoring more points. We now sit exactly one total point behind that team.

Well faithful readers, I can tell you that the next three weeks are going to be exciting. Every matchup is important as the race for the playoffs winds down. Take a look at the current standings.

Our final three matchups are against Baucus, Shea, and Patti. All these teams are in the hunt for the playoffs, and Patti is currently our division leader due to the tiebreaker. So while we're having an excellent year (for a white team), the playoffs are not a lock. The only way to ensure our continued success is to donate large quantities of money to the team. It will make a difference. I can't explain how. Due to confidentiality technicalities having to do with contractual negotiations and bargaining agreements. Just send monies please.

Week 9: I'm Bringing Winning Back

Before we get to the week's action, I feel I need to apologize. Due to an unusual October snow storm, power in many parts of New Jersey was lost for days. As a result, Victor had to take over the updating duties for a week. It seems our readers were exposed to quite a bit a racism and vulgarity. That is not what the White Devils are about. We fucking hate racism. And vulgarity. This is a time of inner reflection for us. We are humbled and our prays go out to you all. We will be better. We must be better.

Another side effect of my absence was that we lost last week. But with my return to the trenches this week, winning was practically a foregone conclusion. Also, Aaron Rodgers and the rest of the Packers returning from a bye might have helped. Speaking of that guy, he had a modest 257 yards. He did managed to scrape together 4 TDs and 52 yards rushing, though. A meager 30 fantasy for that stuff. On our bench Tebow continues to be surprisingly fantasy viable. He only threw for 124 yards, but had 2 TDs and 118 yards rushing. Brady was our third best QB. What a balanced team we have.

Ok, on to wasteland back. The random player selector chose Brian Leonard and John Kuhn this week. Peyton Hillis was out due to his apparent suicide. Go Browns!! Even with his absense, Hillis managed to tie for the top spot in points for a runningback this week. Though Leonard and Kuhn did combine for 5 more yards than Hillis. Danny Woodhead was the correct choice this week. While he had zero rushing yards, he did have 26 receiving yards. At least none of our backs lost a fumble. So that was good.

Our receivers stepped up big this week. Wes Welker had 136 yards receiving. Oh, and I just noticed he also had 13 yards rushing. So that actually makes him our top runningback this week. Jordy Nelson had 105 and a TD while Eric Decker had 47 and a TD. A total of 40 from these guys.

Witten also had a TD to go with 71 yards. The Cowboys defense bounced back this week as well, allowing 13 points with 3 INTs and some other crap. Apparently all that is only worth 11 points though. Crosby had 10 points. He was held back by the need to kick 6 extra points, leaving him just enough time for only 1 field goal. This put our total at 104. Usually a winning score. You are welcome.

We were matched up against Team Kirkpatrick. They were in a 1st place tie with us and Team Patti in our surprisingly tough division going into this week, so it was something of an important match. Just to remind everyone how much these other teams cheat, let's start with his runningbacks. First, there was Cedric Benson stealing carries from Brian Leonard. The guy couldn't even score and only had 78 yards. Should be benched. Then there was Darren Sproles. Mister Oh I Play for the Saints and I Run and Catch and Score TDs Worth 15 Fantasy Points. Whatever. And has anyone even heard of DeMarco Murray? Anyone know what team he plays for? There must have been a typo in his stat line because it says he had 139 yards rushing and 47 receiving. Well, that's ok, even though he got 39 from his runningbacks, we got more from our receivers.

He did managed more than 0 from his receivers, though, so he beats our runningbacks. Marques Colston and A.J. Green combined for no TDs and some amount of yards for 13 fantasy points. His team is getting too boring to talk about so you can check below for the details. Needless to say, with Ryan Fitzpatrick as his QB and the Bills playing my Jets, he was shut down.

The end result is that we won 104-77. We recorded the top score this week. Clearly the team was inspired by my return.

One other note. I was perusing the league page. Apparently someone set up one trophy. It's called the GMC Never Say Never Trophy. I wonder if that's some promotional ESPN auto trophy thing. Anyway, it's suppose to go to the team that won by the narrowest margin that week. I noticed we won it and thought that was odd since we won by almost 30 points. Clearly we are a league of incredible parity:

Week 8: In which Jon is a giant slacker, forcing me write this.

Jon is being lame and not fulfilling our agreement of doing all the work, but instead of leaving all you dedicated readers twisting in the wind dying to know the week 8 results, I am benevolently recapping all the action.

We got our shit pushed in. The end.


Just kidding. Or am I? Read on to find out!

This was a critical week for us as we were facing the #1 overall team "Dream Team". Unfortunately, it was the Packers' bye week, so we were without the services of Jesus Rodgers and his trusty Caucasian sidekick Jordy Nelson. Also KUUUUUUUUUUUUHHNNN. This is somewhat balanced by the fact that Dream Team had to bench the African American tandem of Greg Jennings and Jermichael "Could I Have a Blacker Name" Finley. Our backup QB being Dreamboat Brady, you'd think we got the better of the bye, but Dream Team's backup TE is Rob "God Damnit We Should Have Drafted Him" Gronkowski and his flex starter is Jackie Battle. Probably a wash at best.

The QB matchup was Brady vs Eli. Brady had previously dominated the Steelers and Eli is Eli, so easy win right? Unfortunately, Eli got to play the Dolphins, who are in full out Suck for Luck mode. Brady had an underwhelming performance of 198 yards and 2 TDs for 15 points, while Eli was gifted 349 yards and 2 TDs for 21. I hope Luck pulls a hissy fit and demands a trade from Miami to the 49ers in the model of a certain whiny NY QB.

WR, our strongest and whitest category, saw Welker, Decker, and Kevin Walter vs. Miles Austin and Mike Wallace. Since Nelson and Sanzenbacher were both on byes, it was fortuitous that Andre Johnson was sitting out another week. This led to Walter gaining 70 yards receiving. Decker redeemed himself and overcame Tebow with a trash time TD, though he should have had 2 TDs if he knew how to freaking drag his feet in the back of the endzone. Welker was a massive disappointment, netting a whopping 39 yards. Fuck the Steelers. Wallace had 70 yards, but Romo and Austin have apparently fallen out of bromance resulting in only 27 yards. Once again we take WR with a 23-9 advantage.

At RB, Peyton Hillis is bearing the full brunt of the Madden Curse, leaving us with Danny Woodhead and Brian Leonard. Dream Team fielded the Ryan Matthews - Mike Tolbert tandem along with Jackie Battle. For some reason, Belichick and Marvin Lewis both went all Todd Haley on us, giving Woodhead 0 touches and Leonard 4. Leonard is especially confusing considering Benson is serving his one game suspension, leaving the door wide open... but Bernard Scott ended up getting 22 carries... at a pedestrian 3.5 YPC. The only conclusion that can be drawn from this is that Marvin is a racist bastard trying to keep the White RB down. Woodhead lost all his touches to 139 year old Kevin Faulk playing in his first game of the season. Yeah, makes sense. Even though Tolbert was out and Turner went slight Haley playing some dude named Brinkley, in the greatest twist of irony, Haley went all not Todd Haley, giving Jackie Battle the majority of the carries for 70 yards and a TD. The final tally after all that long winded-ness was 1 point for us and 21 for Dream Team.

Witten failed to come through for us as well, and the Cowboys D just got gangbanged by Philly to the tune of -2 points and 12 ripped assholes (the 12th being Jerry Jones on Rob Ryan action). Awesome. TE/K/DEF netted us a whopping 2 points. Needless to say we definitely did get our shit pushed in 41-84, scoring the fewest points in the league.

The loss puts us at #2 in our division, based solely on points. The top 4 teams in our division are all 5-3, with last place at 3-5. Things are not looking too good for the White Devils. Fear not though, for our Glorious Lord and Savior Aaron Rodgers returns to us mere football mortals next week.