Season's Greetings followers. I will not attempt to build suspense on this most sorrowful of occassions. I'm sure you've all performed in depth calculations and you already know that we have been eliminated from the playoffs. My own deep anguish makes it difficult to go on, but I will try to bury my despair with a short retelling of the events leading to this tragedy.
As you will recall because I'm telling you again, we were down 22 points going into week number two of playoff round number one in season number two of the White Devils existence. Things did not begin well for us in week two of round one of season two. Our opponent had Matt Ryan and Roddie White of the Falcons playing in a Thursday night game. The Falcons were able to edge the Jaguars 41-14. Ryan threw three touchdown passes and White caught two of those. White also had 135 yards. Keep in mind that Roddie White is not, in fact, white. These bums combined for 45 total fantasy points.
But that's ok, we have Rodgers and the Packers. The undefeated-13-0-surely-going-to-crush-the-Chiefs Packers. Rodgers put up 45 points before. He could do it again. And we had good old Jordy Nelson to catch those TD passes. And Kuhn to run in anything that wasn't a TD pass. And Mason Crosby to kick any field goals should Rodgers somehow not throw a TD pass. Yes, well, that didn't work as planned. While Rodgers did account for 100% of the Packer points, it was only 14 points. And they lost. To understand how devastating this was, remember that Victor is a Packers fan. When they lost, his father, Mr. Jong Il, was so beside himself he committed suicide shortly after. Our prayers go out to the new Dear Leader.
So after that crap we didn't have much chance. Stupid Peyton Hillis actually showed up. 99 yards and a TD. Mr. Clutch right there. Should get him on the Madden cover next year. Welker and Witten were no shows. Oh, and we have someone named Eric Decker. He was garbage. Even Jesus face Tebow couldn't save us. He picks this week to be foresaken. How can he expect to win NFL games if he can't win a stupid fantasy week for us from the bench? Whatever.
So we end up losing 190 to 140. Not even very exciting. Victor's fault. But, as they say, Rome wasn't built in a day. And especially white Rome. Because will an all white workforce really get the job done? No, so you have to bring in other types. And then after they finish building your Rome you have to find some way to chase them out, but it has to be subtle so they don't come back and pillage your Rome later. So this was a year to build on is what I'll say. And come next year we will surely be triumphant or forget to do this completely. Or remember and lose again. And with that I bid you bye.
/wrist
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Week Playoffs: Mid Round One Update!!!!!!!
I bring you sad tidings, dear followers. After the first week of a two-week round we are not winning. In fact, we are losing. And yet, I'm sure we will win. Why, you ask? We'll get to that. First, to the action!
Douche Rodgers picked a good time to have his worst week of the year. This is not an exaggeration. Rodgers put up 17 fantasy points, a full three points below his previous low. Somehow Mason Crosby, who I will remind you is a kicker, also had 17 points. Yes, our kicker tied our GB for points. And Jordie Nelson had 14 points. So even with Rodgers being human, we can not complain about our Packers.
In keeping with things that were good, let's talk about Toby Gerhart. The Vikings should immediately trade that waste of space known as Adrian Peterson. Gerhart is here to stay. 90 yards rushing, 19 receiving, and one TD. 16 points. I think that beats Hillis for the entire year.
Wes Welker was also good, with 86 yards and a TD. But Eric Decker was not so good. Well, he was good for the Broncos on that last drive, but not for us. Just 33 yards and no TDs. Playing Kevin Walter would have been better. He had 13 fantasy points. But Victor didn't play him. So send your hatemail to Victor Jong Il at Golden Palace Panda Express, North Korea.
So why are we losing? One word made of just two words: Dallas Cowboys. Jason Witten was a no show. And the Cowboys defense was worse than a no show. A no show means zero points, not -7. Also, another two words for you: Peyton Hillis. But I already mentioned last week that he was worthless again.
Meanwhile, our opponent had pretty solid contributions from most of his team, and especially Matt Ryan. So where do we stand? We are currently 22 points back looking at a score of 99-77. Which means everyone should be rooting for a series of events that will lead to us gaining more than 22 points more than our opponent this coming weekend. Since everyone, including me, has a firm grasp of the scoring system, you all know the series of events I'm talking about.
Now, why am I so confident we are going to win? Well, this is it. This is the figurative fourth quarter. Time is ticking away. But wait, who's this on our team? Why, it's Tim Tebow!!! And if you have a bunch of people that believe, anything is possible. So the literal Jesus of comebacks will surely lead us to victory at the last moment. Even if he does it from our bench. So when I say see you next week as I preview our championship game, you know I believe it to be true.
Douche Rodgers picked a good time to have his worst week of the year. This is not an exaggeration. Rodgers put up 17 fantasy points, a full three points below his previous low. Somehow Mason Crosby, who I will remind you is a kicker, also had 17 points. Yes, our kicker tied our GB for points. And Jordie Nelson had 14 points. So even with Rodgers being human, we can not complain about our Packers.
In keeping with things that were good, let's talk about Toby Gerhart. The Vikings should immediately trade that waste of space known as Adrian Peterson. Gerhart is here to stay. 90 yards rushing, 19 receiving, and one TD. 16 points. I think that beats Hillis for the entire year.
Wes Welker was also good, with 86 yards and a TD. But Eric Decker was not so good. Well, he was good for the Broncos on that last drive, but not for us. Just 33 yards and no TDs. Playing Kevin Walter would have been better. He had 13 fantasy points. But Victor didn't play him. So send your hatemail to Victor Jong Il at Golden Palace Panda Express, North Korea.
So why are we losing? One word made of just two words: Dallas Cowboys. Jason Witten was a no show. And the Cowboys defense was worse than a no show. A no show means zero points, not -7. Also, another two words for you: Peyton Hillis. But I already mentioned last week that he was worthless again.
Meanwhile, our opponent had pretty solid contributions from most of his team, and especially Matt Ryan. So where do we stand? We are currently 22 points back looking at a score of 99-77. Which means everyone should be rooting for a series of events that will lead to us gaining more than 22 points more than our opponent this coming weekend. Since everyone, including me, has a firm grasp of the scoring system, you all know the series of events I'm talking about.
Now, why am I so confident we are going to win? Well, this is it. This is the figurative fourth quarter. Time is ticking away. But wait, who's this on our team? Why, it's Tim Tebow!!! And if you have a bunch of people that believe, anything is possible. So the literal Jesus of comebacks will surely lead us to victory at the last moment. Even if he does it from our bench. So when I say see you next week as I preview our championship game, you know I believe it to be true.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Week 13: See you next year. Wait, what? We're in the playoffs? But our team is all white players.
The regular season has come to an end. As mentioned in last week's results, we were assured a playoff spot regardless of the final week's outcome. The only thing still on the line was a division win and a possible number one overall seed. I'm going to keep the recap short this week because I'm also going to bless you with some season recap stuff and a playoff preview.
We'll start, as usual, with the Packers. Eli and my Giants played them valiantly, but in the end Jesus Rodgers was just too much. Which was, of course, good for our fake team. With 361 yards and 4 TDs Rodgers made up for his pathetic 2 TD performance last week. He clocked in at 31 points. Nelson had some yards and Crosby had some kicks, good for 16 more between them.
In perhaps the most exciting development, Toby Gerhart had over 130 yards from scrimmage. Wait, is that right? Ok, I checked again. Yes, Toby Gerhart played and had more than 100 yards. When you add in Peyton Hillis' 93 total yards you discover that our runningbacks contributed 22 points. Yes, over 20 points from our runningbacks. Without actually checking I'm willing to bet my life on this being our top runningback total this year. Too bad we wasted a once-in-a-lifetime showing in a rather meaningless week 13 matchup.
Other guys did standard things blah blah blah. We had 91 points and our opponent had 73. Go us.
This put our final record at 10-3. This is what's known as a winning record. In fact, it's so winning we won our division by 1.5 games. 1.5 is an odd number, but apparently there was a tie in the last week. We were also tied for the best record in the league, but with 62 fewer total points we enter the playoffs as the second seed.
So here are some graphs and charts and other stuff that I will use to humorously recap our season. Here's a pie chart with some useful info.
Ok, that's the end of my fake graphs. And real graphs, too. Let's look ahead to the playoffs. Like the Yankees, our tradition of excellence demands a championship or the season was a bust. Playoff matchups are two weeks long. This clearly means we have an advantage or a disadvantage.
As the two seed we play the three seed, Team Kirkpatrick. Perusing the schedule I find that one of our three loses came at the hands of this team. In fact, it was our worst lose, a 90-54 beatdown in which Aaron Rodgers only had 396 yards and 2 TDs. This was back in week 5 before we really came together as a team. You know, before we picked up Tebow. We did play them again in week 9 after we had Tebow to lead us, and this time Rodgers had 4 TDs and we won 104-77.
Let's see. This guy has Matt Ryan as his GB. Wait, I'm just going to screenshot his team. I'm too lazy to list all his players.
There was a game earlier tonight. Steelers versus Browns. High drama. Peyton Hillis justifying his Madden Cover. With 25 yards. So that gives us a solid 2 point cushion to start the week. And by 2 point cushion I mean 16 point deficit because Mendenhall had 7 points and the Steeler's defense had 11. Go Brown's offense. So looking forward we need the Packers to stay undefeated so that they have a reason to keep playing Rodgers. Check back in four to seven days for an update and see just how big a hole we have to climb out of in the second week.
We'll start, as usual, with the Packers. Eli and my Giants played them valiantly, but in the end Jesus Rodgers was just too much. Which was, of course, good for our fake team. With 361 yards and 4 TDs Rodgers made up for his pathetic 2 TD performance last week. He clocked in at 31 points. Nelson had some yards and Crosby had some kicks, good for 16 more between them.
In perhaps the most exciting development, Toby Gerhart had over 130 yards from scrimmage. Wait, is that right? Ok, I checked again. Yes, Toby Gerhart played and had more than 100 yards. When you add in Peyton Hillis' 93 total yards you discover that our runningbacks contributed 22 points. Yes, over 20 points from our runningbacks. Without actually checking I'm willing to bet my life on this being our top runningback total this year. Too bad we wasted a once-in-a-lifetime showing in a rather meaningless week 13 matchup.
Other guys did standard things blah blah blah. We had 91 points and our opponent had 73. Go us.
This put our final record at 10-3. This is what's known as a winning record. In fact, it's so winning we won our division by 1.5 games. 1.5 is an odd number, but apparently there was a tie in the last week. We were also tied for the best record in the league, but with 62 fewer total points we enter the playoffs as the second seed.
So here are some graphs and charts and other stuff that I will use to humorously recap our season. Here's a pie chart with some useful info.
Ok, that's the end of my fake graphs. And real graphs, too. Let's look ahead to the playoffs. Like the Yankees, our tradition of excellence demands a championship or the season was a bust. Playoff matchups are two weeks long. This clearly means we have an advantage or a disadvantage.
As the two seed we play the three seed, Team Kirkpatrick. Perusing the schedule I find that one of our three loses came at the hands of this team. In fact, it was our worst lose, a 90-54 beatdown in which Aaron Rodgers only had 396 yards and 2 TDs. This was back in week 5 before we really came together as a team. You know, before we picked up Tebow. We did play them again in week 9 after we had Tebow to lead us, and this time Rodgers had 4 TDs and we won 104-77.
Let's see. This guy has Matt Ryan as his GB. Wait, I'm just going to screenshot his team. I'm too lazy to list all his players.
There was a game earlier tonight. Steelers versus Browns. High drama. Peyton Hillis justifying his Madden Cover. With 25 yards. So that gives us a solid 2 point cushion to start the week. And by 2 point cushion I mean 16 point deficit because Mendenhall had 7 points and the Steeler's defense had 11. Go Brown's offense. So looking forward we need the Packers to stay undefeated so that they have a reason to keep playing Rodgers. Check back in four to seven days for an update and see just how big a hole we have to climb out of in the second week.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Week 12: You're Welcome Again
This week featured three Thanksgiving games. I was actually able to watch the first two. Well, most of the first one and the second one. Luckily not much happened in the first half of the Packers game. Let's start there.
The Packers were up against the Detoit Lions. When we turned the game on we discovered the Packers were winning by a mere 7 points. Fortunately these points were the result of a TD pass by Rodgers. But as everyone knows, as the Packers go, so goes the White Devils. One touchdown would not be enough. So going into the second half the question on everyone's mind was whether or not the Packers could avoid getting their necks broken and their faces stomped by the Lions. Luckily the Packers were able to turn it on a bit in the second half. The nice thing about watching them is knowing that no matter how they score, we are getting points. In the third quarter we got a TD run from Kuhn, then another TD pass from Rodgers, and finally a field goal from Crosby. Crosby had one more field goal in the fourth quarter. Jordy Nelson also contributed with a few dropped passes and 26 yards. The net result was 38 points our Packers players.
Side note. Our Packer laden team presents me with what would be considered a dilemma if I really cared. The Packers play the Giants this week. If they lose there is a good chance they will bench some starters in the last game or two because they won't be chasing an undefeated season anymore. This is bad for us because it would line up with our championship weeks. But if the Giants lose their playoffs hopes become quite small. What's my point? Just that I'm so brave to face this problem.
The second game featured Dallas and Miami. I was sort of watching this game. But since Witten was not really involved, my attention wavered somewhat. With just 43 yards and no TDs, Witten contributed 4 points. The defense gave up 19 points, though I blame Tony Romo for some of that. But alas, our scoring system does not care, so that was good for 5 points. Our opponent managed to have no one playing in these games, unless you count Felix Jones who did not play, so that put us up 47 to zero.
Actually, I'm not even going to mention our opponent again since half of his guys were out with injuries. For example, his QB was Matt Schaub. Oh, this is exciting. Toby Gerhart got to play with Adrian Peterson out. He had 44 yards and a TD. And Peyton Hillis had over 60 yards on our bench. So we actually got 18 points from out runningbacks this week. That must be a record of some sort.
I'm so unfocused for this, so let me just inform you that Wes Welker is back from whatever month long vacation he was on. He clocked in at 115 yards and 2 TDs. And finally, Tim Tebow connected with Eric Decker for 65 yards and a TD.
The final tally was 93 for us and 58 for other guy. Notice how we always win the week I return from an absence? So you are welcome for that. But wait. There's more. Here are the current standings:
For those of you too lazy to decipher that, we are now garaunteed to be in the top 4 when the regular season ends next week. This means we are playoff bound. So you are welcome for that as well. Furthermore, we are first in our division with a lead of one game with one to go. All we have to do is score enough points and we will be a division winner. Furtherfurthermore, we are now tied in record with the top team in the league. It's doubtful we will make up the 39 points gap in the tiebreaker, but if he loses and we win next week we become the top team in the league.
So rejoice followers. There will be at least 3 more weeks of this crap. And if we're all lucky we'll be having a White Christmas.
The Packers were up against the Detoit Lions. When we turned the game on we discovered the Packers were winning by a mere 7 points. Fortunately these points were the result of a TD pass by Rodgers. But as everyone knows, as the Packers go, so goes the White Devils. One touchdown would not be enough. So going into the second half the question on everyone's mind was whether or not the Packers could avoid getting their necks broken and their faces stomped by the Lions. Luckily the Packers were able to turn it on a bit in the second half. The nice thing about watching them is knowing that no matter how they score, we are getting points. In the third quarter we got a TD run from Kuhn, then another TD pass from Rodgers, and finally a field goal from Crosby. Crosby had one more field goal in the fourth quarter. Jordy Nelson also contributed with a few dropped passes and 26 yards. The net result was 38 points our Packers players.
Side note. Our Packer laden team presents me with what would be considered a dilemma if I really cared. The Packers play the Giants this week. If they lose there is a good chance they will bench some starters in the last game or two because they won't be chasing an undefeated season anymore. This is bad for us because it would line up with our championship weeks. But if the Giants lose their playoffs hopes become quite small. What's my point? Just that I'm so brave to face this problem.
The second game featured Dallas and Miami. I was sort of watching this game. But since Witten was not really involved, my attention wavered somewhat. With just 43 yards and no TDs, Witten contributed 4 points. The defense gave up 19 points, though I blame Tony Romo for some of that. But alas, our scoring system does not care, so that was good for 5 points. Our opponent managed to have no one playing in these games, unless you count Felix Jones who did not play, so that put us up 47 to zero.
Actually, I'm not even going to mention our opponent again since half of his guys were out with injuries. For example, his QB was Matt Schaub. Oh, this is exciting. Toby Gerhart got to play with Adrian Peterson out. He had 44 yards and a TD. And Peyton Hillis had over 60 yards on our bench. So we actually got 18 points from out runningbacks this week. That must be a record of some sort.
I'm so unfocused for this, so let me just inform you that Wes Welker is back from whatever month long vacation he was on. He clocked in at 115 yards and 2 TDs. And finally, Tim Tebow connected with Eric Decker for 65 yards and a TD.
The final tally was 93 for us and 58 for other guy. Notice how we always win the week I return from an absence? So you are welcome for that. But wait. There's more. Here are the current standings:
For those of you too lazy to decipher that, we are now garaunteed to be in the top 4 when the regular season ends next week. This means we are playoff bound. So you are welcome for that as well. Furthermore, we are first in our division with a lead of one game with one to go. All we have to do is score enough points and we will be a division winner. Furtherfurthermore, we are now tied in record with the top team in the league. It's doubtful we will make up the 39 points gap in the tiebreaker, but if he loses and we win next week we become the top team in the league.
So rejoice followers. There will be at least 3 more weeks of this crap. And if we're all lucky we'll be having a White Christmas.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Week 11: We're Sexy and We Know It
I have to fill in again because Jon is off to His Tebowness' homeland, Tebowing while swinging his stick at some balls.
This week didn't start off well with Decker deciding to lay a big fat goose egg. He was targeted five times, but failed to catch a single pass. This is OK though because it's all according to His plan.
Fortunately, there's no real way to make this suspenseful because I know you all watched the GB game and saw Jordy tear it up for 123 yards and 2 tds, and even KUUUHN got a score. The most interesting part of this week was Jordy's affirmation that he's only good because he's white: "As a few people in the locker room have informed me, it's probably because of my skin color. I'm a little taller. I don't look fast. But my stride catches up to people once I get going." "I went 84 (yards) and Wes Welker went 99,” Nelson said then. “We're coming back. "I think (Brandon) Stokley's still around. . . . If they underestimate me, that's fine. I don't care what they think. It benefits me if they don't think I'll get by them." So poignant. That should be our team motto.
Our opponent started Vick, Jahvid Best, and Andre Johnson... so yeah, we had won before the Monday night game even rolled around. Even though Welker decided to take the KC game off, we still somehow recorded the highest score in the league at 84 points. We took firm control of the Eastern Division at 8-3, with 2 weeks left in the regular season. Up next is Team Shea, who is only fielding two player on IR, so it should be a close one. We did pick up a valuable asset this week, however. Due to Adrian Peterson's injury we may actually have a RB that will start for a team in Toby Gerhart. Inconceivable!
Obviously my heart wasn't into writing a recap for this week, but I figured I should throw something up before tomorrow's games. Blame Jon, he sucks.
This week didn't start off well with Decker deciding to lay a big fat goose egg. He was targeted five times, but failed to catch a single pass. This is OK though because it's all according to His plan.
Fortunately, there's no real way to make this suspenseful because I know you all watched the GB game and saw Jordy tear it up for 123 yards and 2 tds, and even KUUUHN got a score. The most interesting part of this week was Jordy's affirmation that he's only good because he's white: "As a few people in the locker room have informed me, it's probably because of my skin color. I'm a little taller. I don't look fast. But my stride catches up to people once I get going." "I went 84 (yards) and Wes Welker went 99,” Nelson said then. “We're coming back. "I think (Brandon) Stokley's still around. . . . If they underestimate me, that's fine. I don't care what they think. It benefits me if they don't think I'll get by them." So poignant. That should be our team motto.
Our opponent started Vick, Jahvid Best, and Andre Johnson... so yeah, we had won before the Monday night game even rolled around. Even though Welker decided to take the KC game off, we still somehow recorded the highest score in the league at 84 points. We took firm control of the Eastern Division at 8-3, with 2 weeks left in the regular season. Up next is Team Shea, who is only fielding two player on IR, so it should be a close one. We did pick up a valuable asset this week, however. Due to Adrian Peterson's injury we may actually have a RB that will start for a team in Toby Gerhart. Inconceivable!
Obviously my heart wasn't into writing a recap for this week, but I figured I should throw something up before tomorrow's games. Blame Jon, he sucks.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Week 10: Wrath of Kuhn
Funny story. I started writing this before work today, and the power went out again for a few hours. Ok, maybe not that funny. While I'm not talking about the results this week, let's add one more thing. I will be away all next week, so if there's anyone with both access to the team and this blog, it falls on you to update. Anyone at all. Anyone who has access to both. Fight amongst yourself for the honor.
I usually start with Aaron Rodgers, but the Packers played on Monday night this week, so let's save them for last. Let's start with our players from Sunday.
First up, Eric Decker of the Denver Tebows. As you may have heard, Denver was able to win this game with just 2 completions from Tebow. This, of course, does not bode well for a receiver. The good news is that Decker caught 50% of all the passes for Denver. The bad news is that that translates to one catch. But the gooder news is that that one reception was for 56 yards. And the gooderest news was that it also went for a TD. Good for 11 fantasy points. Way to be efficient Eric Decker. If you can maintain an 11 point per catch pace we will continue to play you.
Next up, American's Team. Which is the Cowboys in case you forgot. Which is understandable since they haven't been very good for roughly a long time. But they came to play this week. Well, Jason Witten sort of did. He had 5 catches for 37 yards. So just 3 points. Better than Peyton Hillis? But the defense was quite good. They only gave up 7 points, but they had 3 INTs, a fumble recovery, and a TD. This was good for 20 points. More than Peyton Hillis all year?
This takes us to the Sunday night game. Jets vs. Patriots. Rex vs. Belichek. Brady vs. The Sanchize. Not much of game in the end. But we did have Wes Wekla and Danny Woodhead in this game. Welker's game was pedestrian, consisting of just 6 receptions for 46 yards. Unfortunately for Welker, Rob Gronkowski was busy catching every other pass for 9000000 yards and 70000 TDs. Danny Woodhead played too and earned 3 fantasy points for various rushes and catches.
This put our total at 41. Not very good, but keep in mind we still had all of our Packers left. Which is four players. On a team of nine. No bias here.
Our opponent countered with some scary names. There was Drew Brees. He threw for over 300 yards and 2 TDs. Then there was Arian Foster. Hm, Arian. Should be on our team. But no, he's completely unwhite. Also, he's a competent runningback. So that's two strikes. He had a lowly 180+ yards from scrimmage and a feable 2 TDs. So 20 points from Brees and 30 from Foster put him at 50. Ok, so he's beating us with just two players. That's not that bad. Dez Bryant added another 13 points, but that was about it for him. With a couple more points scattered around, our opponent ended up at a total of 71.
This meant we just needed Rodgers to score over 30 points. Or Crosby to manage 3 points and Rodgers to score over 27 points. With the moral support of John Kuhn and Jordy Nelson anything was possible. But wait. What's this? Nelson actually had 2 TDs. Which means 2 TDs for Rodgers. And the mighty Kuhn also had a TD. He even had 9 yards to go with it. So we actually got 24 points from Nelson and Kuhn. The Packers scored 45 points, so Crosby managed 9. Once again he had six extra points. Is that normal? So this week Rodgers was not even needed. But he did put up 28 points by throwing for 250 yards and 4 TDs. I think they actually sat him in the 4th quarter, too.
So in the end we once again come with the top score for the week at 102. As a bonus the 8-1 team lost. As a non-bonus, the team that is tied with us for first in the division also won. But we did gain on the tiebreaker by scoring more points. We now sit exactly one total point behind that team.
Well faithful readers, I can tell you that the next three weeks are going to be exciting. Every matchup is important as the race for the playoffs winds down. Take a look at the current standings.
Our final three matchups are against Baucus, Shea, and Patti. All these teams are in the hunt for the playoffs, and Patti is currently our division leader due to the tiebreaker. So while we're having an excellent year (for a white team), the playoffs are not a lock. The only way to ensure our continued success is to donate large quantities of money to the team. It will make a difference. I can't explain how. Due to confidentiality technicalities having to do with contractual negotiations and bargaining agreements. Just send monies please.
I usually start with Aaron Rodgers, but the Packers played on Monday night this week, so let's save them for last. Let's start with our players from Sunday.
First up, Eric Decker of the Denver Tebows. As you may have heard, Denver was able to win this game with just 2 completions from Tebow. This, of course, does not bode well for a receiver. The good news is that Decker caught 50% of all the passes for Denver. The bad news is that that translates to one catch. But the gooder news is that that one reception was for 56 yards. And the gooderest news was that it also went for a TD. Good for 11 fantasy points. Way to be efficient Eric Decker. If you can maintain an 11 point per catch pace we will continue to play you.
Next up, American's Team. Which is the Cowboys in case you forgot. Which is understandable since they haven't been very good for roughly a long time. But they came to play this week. Well, Jason Witten sort of did. He had 5 catches for 37 yards. So just 3 points. Better than Peyton Hillis? But the defense was quite good. They only gave up 7 points, but they had 3 INTs, a fumble recovery, and a TD. This was good for 20 points. More than Peyton Hillis all year?
This takes us to the Sunday night game. Jets vs. Patriots. Rex vs. Belichek. Brady vs. The Sanchize. Not much of game in the end. But we did have Wes Wekla and Danny Woodhead in this game. Welker's game was pedestrian, consisting of just 6 receptions for 46 yards. Unfortunately for Welker, Rob Gronkowski was busy catching every other pass for 9000000 yards and 70000 TDs. Danny Woodhead played too and earned 3 fantasy points for various rushes and catches.
This put our total at 41. Not very good, but keep in mind we still had all of our Packers left. Which is four players. On a team of nine. No bias here.
Our opponent countered with some scary names. There was Drew Brees. He threw for over 300 yards and 2 TDs. Then there was Arian Foster. Hm, Arian. Should be on our team. But no, he's completely unwhite. Also, he's a competent runningback. So that's two strikes. He had a lowly 180+ yards from scrimmage and a feable 2 TDs. So 20 points from Brees and 30 from Foster put him at 50. Ok, so he's beating us with just two players. That's not that bad. Dez Bryant added another 13 points, but that was about it for him. With a couple more points scattered around, our opponent ended up at a total of 71.
This meant we just needed Rodgers to score over 30 points. Or Crosby to manage 3 points and Rodgers to score over 27 points. With the moral support of John Kuhn and Jordy Nelson anything was possible. But wait. What's this? Nelson actually had 2 TDs. Which means 2 TDs for Rodgers. And the mighty Kuhn also had a TD. He even had 9 yards to go with it. So we actually got 24 points from Nelson and Kuhn. The Packers scored 45 points, so Crosby managed 9. Once again he had six extra points. Is that normal? So this week Rodgers was not even needed. But he did put up 28 points by throwing for 250 yards and 4 TDs. I think they actually sat him in the 4th quarter, too.
So in the end we once again come with the top score for the week at 102. As a bonus the 8-1 team lost. As a non-bonus, the team that is tied with us for first in the division also won. But we did gain on the tiebreaker by scoring more points. We now sit exactly one total point behind that team.
Well faithful readers, I can tell you that the next three weeks are going to be exciting. Every matchup is important as the race for the playoffs winds down. Take a look at the current standings.
Our final three matchups are against Baucus, Shea, and Patti. All these teams are in the hunt for the playoffs, and Patti is currently our division leader due to the tiebreaker. So while we're having an excellent year (for a white team), the playoffs are not a lock. The only way to ensure our continued success is to donate large quantities of money to the team. It will make a difference. I can't explain how. Due to confidentiality technicalities having to do with contractual negotiations and bargaining agreements. Just send monies please.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Week 9: I'm Bringing Winning Back
Before we get to the week's action, I feel I need to apologize. Due to an unusual October snow storm, power in many parts of New Jersey was lost for days. As a result, Victor had to take over the updating duties for a week. It seems our readers were exposed to quite a bit a racism and vulgarity. That is not what the White Devils are about. We fucking hate racism. And vulgarity. This is a time of inner reflection for us. We are humbled and our prays go out to you all. We will be better. We must be better.
Another side effect of my absence was that we lost last week. But with my return to the trenches this week, winning was practically a foregone conclusion. Also, Aaron Rodgers and the rest of the Packers returning from a bye might have helped. Speaking of that guy, he had a modest 257 yards. He did managed to scrape together 4 TDs and 52 yards rushing, though. A meager 30 fantasy for that stuff. On our bench Tebow continues to be surprisingly fantasy viable. He only threw for 124 yards, but had 2 TDs and 118 yards rushing. Brady was our third best QB. What a balanced team we have.
Ok, on to wasteland back. The random player selector chose Brian Leonard and John Kuhn this week. Peyton Hillis was out due to his apparent suicide. Go Browns!! Even with his absense, Hillis managed to tie for the top spot in points for a runningback this week. Though Leonard and Kuhn did combine for 5 more yards than Hillis. Danny Woodhead was the correct choice this week. While he had zero rushing yards, he did have 26 receiving yards. At least none of our backs lost a fumble. So that was good.
Our receivers stepped up big this week. Wes Welker had 136 yards receiving. Oh, and I just noticed he also had 13 yards rushing. So that actually makes him our top runningback this week. Jordy Nelson had 105 and a TD while Eric Decker had 47 and a TD. A total of 40 from these guys.
Witten also had a TD to go with 71 yards. The Cowboys defense bounced back this week as well, allowing 13 points with 3 INTs and some other crap. Apparently all that is only worth 11 points though. Crosby had 10 points. He was held back by the need to kick 6 extra points, leaving him just enough time for only 1 field goal. This put our total at 104. Usually a winning score. You are welcome.
We were matched up against Team Kirkpatrick. They were in a 1st place tie with us and Team Patti in our surprisingly tough division going into this week, so it was something of an important match. Just to remind everyone how much these other teams cheat, let's start with his runningbacks. First, there was Cedric Benson stealing carries from Brian Leonard. The guy couldn't even score and only had 78 yards. Should be benched. Then there was Darren Sproles. Mister Oh I Play for the Saints and I Run and Catch and Score TDs Worth 15 Fantasy Points. Whatever. And has anyone even heard of DeMarco Murray? Anyone know what team he plays for? There must have been a typo in his stat line because it says he had 139 yards rushing and 47 receiving. Well, that's ok, even though he got 39 from his runningbacks, we got more from our receivers.
He did managed more than 0 from his receivers, though, so he beats our runningbacks. Marques Colston and A.J. Green combined for no TDs and some amount of yards for 13 fantasy points. His team is getting too boring to talk about so you can check below for the details. Needless to say, with Ryan Fitzpatrick as his QB and the Bills playing my Jets, he was shut down.
The end result is that we won 104-77. We recorded the top score this week. Clearly the team was inspired by my return.
One other note. I was perusing the league page. Apparently someone set up one trophy. It's called the GMC Never Say Never Trophy. I wonder if that's some promotional ESPN auto trophy thing. Anyway, it's suppose to go to the team that won by the narrowest margin that week. I noticed we won it and thought that was odd since we won by almost 30 points. Clearly we are a league of incredible parity:
Another side effect of my absence was that we lost last week. But with my return to the trenches this week, winning was practically a foregone conclusion. Also, Aaron Rodgers and the rest of the Packers returning from a bye might have helped. Speaking of that guy, he had a modest 257 yards. He did managed to scrape together 4 TDs and 52 yards rushing, though. A meager 30 fantasy for that stuff. On our bench Tebow continues to be surprisingly fantasy viable. He only threw for 124 yards, but had 2 TDs and 118 yards rushing. Brady was our third best QB. What a balanced team we have.
Ok, on to wasteland back. The random player selector chose Brian Leonard and John Kuhn this week. Peyton Hillis was out due to his apparent suicide. Go Browns!! Even with his absense, Hillis managed to tie for the top spot in points for a runningback this week. Though Leonard and Kuhn did combine for 5 more yards than Hillis. Danny Woodhead was the correct choice this week. While he had zero rushing yards, he did have 26 receiving yards. At least none of our backs lost a fumble. So that was good.
Our receivers stepped up big this week. Wes Welker had 136 yards receiving. Oh, and I just noticed he also had 13 yards rushing. So that actually makes him our top runningback this week. Jordy Nelson had 105 and a TD while Eric Decker had 47 and a TD. A total of 40 from these guys.
Witten also had a TD to go with 71 yards. The Cowboys defense bounced back this week as well, allowing 13 points with 3 INTs and some other crap. Apparently all that is only worth 11 points though. Crosby had 10 points. He was held back by the need to kick 6 extra points, leaving him just enough time for only 1 field goal. This put our total at 104. Usually a winning score. You are welcome.
We were matched up against Team Kirkpatrick. They were in a 1st place tie with us and Team Patti in our surprisingly tough division going into this week, so it was something of an important match. Just to remind everyone how much these other teams cheat, let's start with his runningbacks. First, there was Cedric Benson stealing carries from Brian Leonard. The guy couldn't even score and only had 78 yards. Should be benched. Then there was Darren Sproles. Mister Oh I Play for the Saints and I Run and Catch and Score TDs Worth 15 Fantasy Points. Whatever. And has anyone even heard of DeMarco Murray? Anyone know what team he plays for? There must have been a typo in his stat line because it says he had 139 yards rushing and 47 receiving. Well, that's ok, even though he got 39 from his runningbacks, we got more from our receivers.
He did managed more than 0 from his receivers, though, so he beats our runningbacks. Marques Colston and A.J. Green combined for no TDs and some amount of yards for 13 fantasy points. His team is getting too boring to talk about so you can check below for the details. Needless to say, with Ryan Fitzpatrick as his QB and the Bills playing my Jets, he was shut down.
The end result is that we won 104-77. We recorded the top score this week. Clearly the team was inspired by my return.
One other note. I was perusing the league page. Apparently someone set up one trophy. It's called the GMC Never Say Never Trophy. I wonder if that's some promotional ESPN auto trophy thing. Anyway, it's suppose to go to the team that won by the narrowest margin that week. I noticed we won it and thought that was odd since we won by almost 30 points. Clearly we are a league of incredible parity:
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Week 8: In which Jon is a giant slacker, forcing me write this.
Jon is being lame and not fulfilling our agreement of doing all the work, but instead of leaving all you dedicated readers twisting in the wind dying to know the week 8 results, I am benevolently recapping all the action.
We got our shit pushed in. The end.
Just kidding. Or am I? Read on to find out!
This was a critical week for us as we were facing the #1 overall team "Dream Team". Unfortunately, it was the Packers' bye week, so we were without the services of Jesus Rodgers and his trusty Caucasian sidekick Jordy Nelson. Also KUUUUUUUUUUUUHHNNN. This is somewhat balanced by the fact that Dream Team had to bench the African American tandem of Greg Jennings and Jermichael "Could I Have a Blacker Name" Finley. Our backup QB being Dreamboat Brady, you'd think we got the better of the bye, but Dream Team's backup TE is Rob "God Damnit We Should Have Drafted Him" Gronkowski and his flex starter is Jackie Battle. Probably a wash at best.
The QB matchup was Brady vs Eli. Brady had previously dominated the Steelers and Eli is Eli, so easy win right? Unfortunately, Eli got to play the Dolphins, who are in full out Suck for Luck mode. Brady had an underwhelming performance of 198 yards and 2 TDs for 15 points, while Eli was gifted 349 yards and 2 TDs for 21. I hope Luck pulls a hissy fit and demands a trade from Miami to the 49ers in the model of a certain whiny NY QB.
WR, our strongest and whitest category, saw Welker, Decker, and Kevin Walter vs. Miles Austin and Mike Wallace. Since Nelson and Sanzenbacher were both on byes, it was fortuitous that Andre Johnson was sitting out another week. This led to Walter gaining 70 yards receiving. Decker redeemed himself and overcame Tebow with a trash time TD, though he should have had 2 TDs if he knew how to freaking drag his feet in the back of the endzone. Welker was a massive disappointment, netting a whopping 39 yards. Fuck the Steelers. Wallace had 70 yards, but Romo and Austin have apparently fallen out of bromance resulting in only 27 yards. Once again we take WR with a 23-9 advantage.
At RB, Peyton Hillis is bearing the full brunt of the Madden Curse, leaving us with Danny Woodhead and Brian Leonard. Dream Team fielded the Ryan Matthews - Mike Tolbert tandem along with Jackie Battle. For some reason, Belichick and Marvin Lewis both went all Todd Haley on us, giving Woodhead 0 touches and Leonard 4. Leonard is especially confusing considering Benson is serving his one game suspension, leaving the door wide open... but Bernard Scott ended up getting 22 carries... at a pedestrian 3.5 YPC. The only conclusion that can be drawn from this is that Marvin is a racist bastard trying to keep the White RB down. Woodhead lost all his touches to 139 year old Kevin Faulk playing in his first game of the season. Yeah, makes sense. Even though Tolbert was out and Turner went slight Haley playing some dude named Brinkley, in the greatest twist of irony, Haley went all not Todd Haley, giving Jackie Battle the majority of the carries for 70 yards and a TD. The final tally after all that long winded-ness was 1 point for us and 21 for Dream Team.
Witten failed to come through for us as well, and the Cowboys D just got gangbanged by Philly to the tune of -2 points and 12 ripped assholes (the 12th being Jerry Jones on Rob Ryan action). Awesome. TE/K/DEF netted us a whopping 2 points. Needless to say we definitely did get our shit pushed in 41-84, scoring the fewest points in the league.
The loss puts us at #2 in our division, based solely on points. The top 4 teams in our division are all 5-3, with last place at 3-5. Things are not looking too good for the White Devils. Fear not though, for our Glorious Lord and Savior Aaron Rodgers returns to us mere football mortals next week.
We got our shit pushed in. The end.
Just kidding. Or am I? Read on to find out!
This was a critical week for us as we were facing the #1 overall team "Dream Team". Unfortunately, it was the Packers' bye week, so we were without the services of Jesus Rodgers and his trusty Caucasian sidekick Jordy Nelson. Also KUUUUUUUUUUUUHHNNN. This is somewhat balanced by the fact that Dream Team had to bench the African American tandem of Greg Jennings and Jermichael "Could I Have a Blacker Name" Finley. Our backup QB being Dreamboat Brady, you'd think we got the better of the bye, but Dream Team's backup TE is Rob "God Damnit We Should Have Drafted Him" Gronkowski and his flex starter is Jackie Battle. Probably a wash at best.
The QB matchup was Brady vs Eli. Brady had previously dominated the Steelers and Eli is Eli, so easy win right? Unfortunately, Eli got to play the Dolphins, who are in full out Suck for Luck mode. Brady had an underwhelming performance of 198 yards and 2 TDs for 15 points, while Eli was gifted 349 yards and 2 TDs for 21. I hope Luck pulls a hissy fit and demands a trade from Miami to the 49ers in the model of a certain whiny NY QB.
WR, our strongest and whitest category, saw Welker, Decker, and Kevin Walter vs. Miles Austin and Mike Wallace. Since Nelson and Sanzenbacher were both on byes, it was fortuitous that Andre Johnson was sitting out another week. This led to Walter gaining 70 yards receiving. Decker redeemed himself and overcame Tebow with a trash time TD, though he should have had 2 TDs if he knew how to freaking drag his feet in the back of the endzone. Welker was a massive disappointment, netting a whopping 39 yards. Fuck the Steelers. Wallace had 70 yards, but Romo and Austin have apparently fallen out of bromance resulting in only 27 yards. Once again we take WR with a 23-9 advantage.
At RB, Peyton Hillis is bearing the full brunt of the Madden Curse, leaving us with Danny Woodhead and Brian Leonard. Dream Team fielded the Ryan Matthews - Mike Tolbert tandem along with Jackie Battle. For some reason, Belichick and Marvin Lewis both went all Todd Haley on us, giving Woodhead 0 touches and Leonard 4. Leonard is especially confusing considering Benson is serving his one game suspension, leaving the door wide open... but Bernard Scott ended up getting 22 carries... at a pedestrian 3.5 YPC. The only conclusion that can be drawn from this is that Marvin is a racist bastard trying to keep the White RB down. Woodhead lost all his touches to 139 year old Kevin Faulk playing in his first game of the season. Yeah, makes sense. Even though Tolbert was out and Turner went slight Haley playing some dude named Brinkley, in the greatest twist of irony, Haley went all not Todd Haley, giving Jackie Battle the majority of the carries for 70 yards and a TD. The final tally after all that long winded-ness was 1 point for us and 21 for Dream Team.
Witten failed to come through for us as well, and the Cowboys D just got gangbanged by Philly to the tune of -2 points and 12 ripped assholes (the 12th being Jerry Jones on Rob Ryan action). Awesome. TE/K/DEF netted us a whopping 2 points. Needless to say we definitely did get our shit pushed in 41-84, scoring the fewest points in the league.
The loss puts us at #2 in our division, based solely on points. The top 4 teams in our division are all 5-3, with last place at 3-5. Things are not looking too good for the White Devils. Fear not though, for our Glorious Lord and Savior Aaron Rodgers returns to us mere football mortals next week.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Week 7: Week of the Tebow
This was a critical week for us. I failed to mention last week that Victor picked up Tim Tebow. He claims it was so that no one else could, but I think Tebow's winningness will be vital to the success of our team. So we will start with vital Tebow stats. He threw for an angelical 161 yards and 2 TDs. I didn't get to see these passes, but I'm sure they floated through the air with a grace unmatched in the mortal world. Tebow also ran for 65 yards. I imagine his feet scampering across the field much like a bug scittering on the surface of the water. Or a Jesus. Tebow also ran for a 2 point conversion. Let's just say that's not the only conversion he's going to complete. So Tebow had what was actually a pretty good fantasy week, totally 22 points. This was a great aid to the morale of our bench where he resides.
As for people who actually contributed, Aaron Rodgers had his average 3 TD performace to go with 335 yards. We're getting tired of these average games out of Rodgers.
Peyton Hillis continues his breakdown year with a quality "did not play." This is football speak meaning that he did not play. After totalling up his yards and TDs we see he contributed 0 points. Our other "runningbacks" were on byes this week, so John Kuhn got the nod. Kuhn had a typical Kuhn game with 3 total yards and a TD. So that makes him our best runningback over the last few weeks.
Receiver was dicey with Wes Welker on a bye. Jordy Nelson was in with Kevin Walter. In addtion, new pickup Dane Sazenbacher got the start. If nothing else he has a very white name. He only had 13 yards, but his name is very white. Nelson came in at 53 yards and Walter had 35. No TDs this week. The bench receivers didn't really do any better.
Witten was back from his bye, and while he only had 35 yards, he did have a TD. Speaking of the Cowboys, we have officially traded the Eagles defense for the Cowboys. We feel Rob Ryan is the Cowboys defensive representative and he's quite fat. White I mean. Also, they were playing the Rams, so it seems like a good week to grab them. They held the Rams to 7 points and did some other stuff, which computes to 10 fantasy points.
Mason Crosby's performance just shows how versatile our team really is. He had 4 field goals, a couple of which were long, as well as 3 extra points. This gave him 18 fantasy points making him our number two scorer.
We had no one in the Monday game, so our final total was 77. Not great, but it could win. Also, in a move that should be considered cheating, our opponent only played two guys that were on a bye. And he has people like Calvin Johnson. But thats pretty much all he has, so we were in good shape. He got 17 out of Johnson, but only 24 from the rest of his guys minus Joe Flacco, who would play Monday night. This put us up by 36 with just Flacco to go. So that wasn't really suspenseful, but if we turn our eyes to the overall standings we find something that was.
We were tied for the second best record at 4-2 with one team ahead, Dream Team, at 6-0. Dream Team was tied going into Monday night but had no players left. His opponent had Anquan Boldin. If Boldin could gain just 10 yards receiving we'd move closer to taking the top spot. Suspenseful, right? Boldin was successful, so we are now just one game back, though he is ahead in points. I'm not sure how tie breakers work, though. Maybe it's head-to-head. If so this next week is vital because we play Dream Team. Good thing the Packers are on a bye. That wipes out half our team. Maybe it's Tebow time.
As for people who actually contributed, Aaron Rodgers had his average 3 TD performace to go with 335 yards. We're getting tired of these average games out of Rodgers.
Peyton Hillis continues his breakdown year with a quality "did not play." This is football speak meaning that he did not play. After totalling up his yards and TDs we see he contributed 0 points. Our other "runningbacks" were on byes this week, so John Kuhn got the nod. Kuhn had a typical Kuhn game with 3 total yards and a TD. So that makes him our best runningback over the last few weeks.
Receiver was dicey with Wes Welker on a bye. Jordy Nelson was in with Kevin Walter. In addtion, new pickup Dane Sazenbacher got the start. If nothing else he has a very white name. He only had 13 yards, but his name is very white. Nelson came in at 53 yards and Walter had 35. No TDs this week. The bench receivers didn't really do any better.
Witten was back from his bye, and while he only had 35 yards, he did have a TD. Speaking of the Cowboys, we have officially traded the Eagles defense for the Cowboys. We feel Rob Ryan is the Cowboys defensive representative and he's quite fat. White I mean. Also, they were playing the Rams, so it seems like a good week to grab them. They held the Rams to 7 points and did some other stuff, which computes to 10 fantasy points.
Mason Crosby's performance just shows how versatile our team really is. He had 4 field goals, a couple of which were long, as well as 3 extra points. This gave him 18 fantasy points making him our number two scorer.
We had no one in the Monday game, so our final total was 77. Not great, but it could win. Also, in a move that should be considered cheating, our opponent only played two guys that were on a bye. And he has people like Calvin Johnson. But thats pretty much all he has, so we were in good shape. He got 17 out of Johnson, but only 24 from the rest of his guys minus Joe Flacco, who would play Monday night. This put us up by 36 with just Flacco to go. So that wasn't really suspenseful, but if we turn our eyes to the overall standings we find something that was.
We were tied for the second best record at 4-2 with one team ahead, Dream Team, at 6-0. Dream Team was tied going into Monday night but had no players left. His opponent had Anquan Boldin. If Boldin could gain just 10 yards receiving we'd move closer to taking the top spot. Suspenseful, right? Boldin was successful, so we are now just one game back, though he is ahead in points. I'm not sure how tie breakers work, though. Maybe it's head-to-head. If so this next week is vital because we play Dream Team. Good thing the Packers are on a bye. That wipes out half our team. Maybe it's Tebow time.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Week 6: It's hard to write a theme title when you don't watch games
Week 6 is upon us. Or rather was upon us. Now it's behind us. And the question on everyone's mind was would the White Devils bounce back, or would they begin an inevitable fall into ruin. People have dramatic questions.
This week saw the return of our number one runningback from his bye week. The Madden Curse seems to be more subtle this year. Rather than one catastrophic injury, it seems Peyton Hillis is slowly having his life force sucked out. It's a fair bet he will be a dried out husk in a few weeks. And like a dried out husk, he had only 6 rushes for 14 yards. I guess that's worth 1 point. Victor played Brian Leonard as our other RB. Turned out to be a good move. He didn't rush for much, but he had 38 yards receiving. Good for 3 points. Off to a good start.
Let's get Old Faithful out of the way. Rodgers had his standard 3 TD and over 300 yards performance. He did have one INT, though. Probably was distracted by Victor stalking him. But in the end he was good for 23 points.
It's become clear that our weeks are won or lost by our receivers. I guess this is understandable as we have no runningbacks and we play 4 receivers if you count the tight end. Where as last week we got almost nothing from our receivers, this week saw contributions across the board. Wes Welker had a pedestrian 45 yards, but also had a TD. Jordy Nelson had a pedestrian 2 catches, but a very not pedestrian 104 yards and a TD out of those two catches. Kevin Walter got the nod as our third WR with Eric Decker on a bye. Walter had a reasonable 6 ctaches for 52 yards. And finally, Jason Witten was back with 48 yards and a TD. In other sad news, Dallas Clark has been dropped from the team. He was unavailable for the rest of the year because he had to attend the funeral and burial of his career. Points from these dudes totalled 31.
The Dream Team finally played some defense. By that I mean they got to play against Rex Grossman. This allowed them to rack up 4 INTs while giving up 13 points. So for once we actually got something useful out of our defense. Namely 15 points.
And last and least, the kicker. Crosby was solid again. Or at least as solid as a kicker can be on a team that scores TDs all the time and not field goals. He did manage to sneak in one among three extra points.
So our total for the week was 89. Not spectacular, but certainly respectable. And more important, a score that we could potentially win with. The only thing standing in our way was another person playing fantasy football in our league. And who was this villan? Why none other than Gas Face. I know what you are thinking. But no, Mike is not in the league.
Gas Face makes me confident that we will be in the playoffs. You see, Gas Face fielded a team with 4 positions on a bye, including QB. The other were defense, kicker, and wide reciever Brandon Lloyd, who recently got traded from the Broncos to the Rams. Good news for us as Eric Decker moves up in the depth chart. So, with his remaining 5 players Gas Face managed to scrape together 49 points. This was done mainly on the strength of his RBs. He has some up-and-comers you may have heard about. Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice, and Darren McFadden are their names. But it gets better. There was a guy that played 4 players on bye weeks and one player on IR. So if we don't make the playoffs, I think we can put this whole race-doesn't-make-difference debate to rest.
Our division rival Team Shea lost this week, so we are back in first in our division. Point total is second best, but we are well behind the top guy.
This week saw the return of our number one runningback from his bye week. The Madden Curse seems to be more subtle this year. Rather than one catastrophic injury, it seems Peyton Hillis is slowly having his life force sucked out. It's a fair bet he will be a dried out husk in a few weeks. And like a dried out husk, he had only 6 rushes for 14 yards. I guess that's worth 1 point. Victor played Brian Leonard as our other RB. Turned out to be a good move. He didn't rush for much, but he had 38 yards receiving. Good for 3 points. Off to a good start.
Let's get Old Faithful out of the way. Rodgers had his standard 3 TD and over 300 yards performance. He did have one INT, though. Probably was distracted by Victor stalking him. But in the end he was good for 23 points.
It's become clear that our weeks are won or lost by our receivers. I guess this is understandable as we have no runningbacks and we play 4 receivers if you count the tight end. Where as last week we got almost nothing from our receivers, this week saw contributions across the board. Wes Welker had a pedestrian 45 yards, but also had a TD. Jordy Nelson had a pedestrian 2 catches, but a very not pedestrian 104 yards and a TD out of those two catches. Kevin Walter got the nod as our third WR with Eric Decker on a bye. Walter had a reasonable 6 ctaches for 52 yards. And finally, Jason Witten was back with 48 yards and a TD. In other sad news, Dallas Clark has been dropped from the team. He was unavailable for the rest of the year because he had to attend the funeral and burial of his career. Points from these dudes totalled 31.
The Dream Team finally played some defense. By that I mean they got to play against Rex Grossman. This allowed them to rack up 4 INTs while giving up 13 points. So for once we actually got something useful out of our defense. Namely 15 points.
And last and least, the kicker. Crosby was solid again. Or at least as solid as a kicker can be on a team that scores TDs all the time and not field goals. He did manage to sneak in one among three extra points.
So our total for the week was 89. Not spectacular, but certainly respectable. And more important, a score that we could potentially win with. The only thing standing in our way was another person playing fantasy football in our league. And who was this villan? Why none other than Gas Face. I know what you are thinking. But no, Mike is not in the league.
Gas Face makes me confident that we will be in the playoffs. You see, Gas Face fielded a team with 4 positions on a bye, including QB. The other were defense, kicker, and wide reciever Brandon Lloyd, who recently got traded from the Broncos to the Rams. Good news for us as Eric Decker moves up in the depth chart. So, with his remaining 5 players Gas Face managed to scrape together 49 points. This was done mainly on the strength of his RBs. He has some up-and-comers you may have heard about. Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice, and Darren McFadden are their names. But it gets better. There was a guy that played 4 players on bye weeks and one player on IR. So if we don't make the playoffs, I think we can put this whole race-doesn't-make-difference debate to rest.
Our division rival Team Shea lost this week, so we are back in first in our division. Point total is second best, but we are well behind the top guy.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Week 5: Let The Byes Begin
First, a programming note. I was in New Orleans until late Monday. Two consequences of that are that I was too tired to try to write this up until now and that I missed almost every game, but that's normal.
As noted in the title, week 5 is the first week with byes. For us that meant no Peyton Hillis, Jason Witten, or Brian Hartline. In addition, Danny Woodhead was hurt this week. In other words, don't expect much out of the team.
Let's deal with our runningcrap situation first. Both of our starters were out. Granted they are both white starters, but this left us with a runningback core of Brian Leonard and John Kuhn. Leonard was magnificent, picking up 10 yards on the ground. Kuhn only had 6. So that's 1 point for us.
Eric Decker will now be receiving passes from Tim Tebow. So expect to see him off the team soon. He made his case for staying by catching two balls for -4 yards. Jordy Nelson had 3 catches for 17 yards, but nothing else. Welker continues to be the top receiver in the league with 124 yards, but no TDs this week. So that's 13 points from receivers.
The corpse of Dallas Clark's career had 1 catch for 7 yards. Let me run some calculations on that. Ok, that's worth zero points.
The Eagles defense continues to be a joke, giving up 31 points. At least they didn't subtract from our total.
Rodgers was good. 396 yards and 2 TDs. This comes out to 23 points. Maybe if he had 800 yards and 6 TDs we'd be in good shape.
At least his lack of TDs meant field goals for Mason Crosby. Four field goals to be exact, with one long one. Throw in an extra point as well and he gives us 15 points.
Anyway, that's 54 points. Really bad. So we lost badly. I'm not going through the other guy's team. He didn't even have anyone do really well. He just employed the old have-more-than-three-out-of-nine-score-more-than-two-points strategy. Here's the damage:
Current status:
2nd in division
4th overall
3rd in total points scored
As noted in the title, week 5 is the first week with byes. For us that meant no Peyton Hillis, Jason Witten, or Brian Hartline. In addition, Danny Woodhead was hurt this week. In other words, don't expect much out of the team.
Let's deal with our runningcrap situation first. Both of our starters were out. Granted they are both white starters, but this left us with a runningback core of Brian Leonard and John Kuhn. Leonard was magnificent, picking up 10 yards on the ground. Kuhn only had 6. So that's 1 point for us.
Eric Decker will now be receiving passes from Tim Tebow. So expect to see him off the team soon. He made his case for staying by catching two balls for -4 yards. Jordy Nelson had 3 catches for 17 yards, but nothing else. Welker continues to be the top receiver in the league with 124 yards, but no TDs this week. So that's 13 points from receivers.
The corpse of Dallas Clark's career had 1 catch for 7 yards. Let me run some calculations on that. Ok, that's worth zero points.
The Eagles defense continues to be a joke, giving up 31 points. At least they didn't subtract from our total.
Rodgers was good. 396 yards and 2 TDs. This comes out to 23 points. Maybe if he had 800 yards and 6 TDs we'd be in good shape.
At least his lack of TDs meant field goals for Mason Crosby. Four field goals to be exact, with one long one. Throw in an extra point as well and he gives us 15 points.
Anyway, that's 54 points. Really bad. So we lost badly. I'm not going through the other guy's team. He didn't even have anyone do really well. He just employed the old have-more-than-three-out-of-nine-score-more-than-two-points strategy. Here's the damage:
Current status:
2nd in division
4th overall
3rd in total points scored
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Week Four: Starting to regret this title-every-week thing
Well hello faithful readers. We had yet another exciting week. This is shaping up to be the most suspense filled season the White Devils have ever seen in their two seasons of existence.
Before we get to the week's action, we have some pressing business to deal with. We have been offered a trade:
Obviously we can not accept this trade. We're only offered one-third white. Giving up a full white for a one-third white is not a good trade. It's just simple math. So the real question is when we refuse the trade should we provide the real reason? On a related note, this confirms our hunch that people don't realize what we are doing.
On to the action!!! Let's do this one with position by position comparisons. First up, QB. This week we stuck with Tom Brady over Aaron Rodgers. This is always a difficult decision with much debating back and forth. Here is an actual conversation we had about this very topic:
It takes a strong relationship to have heated debates like that and still be friends. So anyway, Brady was in because he was in the week before and neither of us looked at the roster. Brady wasn't bad. 2 TDs, 226 yards, no picks. But Rodgers had what's probably the high score of the year with 408 yards, 4 passing TDs, and 2 rushing TDs. So while we got 17 points from Brady, we could have had 45 from Rodgers. This is hard. We have the top two point scorers in the league and we can't use both. The hardships of being white I guess. Our opponent countered with Tony Romo. Luckily for him there are no reductions for choking, so Romo's 3 TDs, 3 INTs, and 336 yards were good for 19 points. So we actual lose QB this week. Not a good sign for us.
Runningback time. This is not worth more than one sentence. Hillis and Woodhead combined for 7 points. Our opponent had three RBs: Matt Forte, Ahmad Bradshaw, and Beanie Wells. Ahmad Bradshaw outscored us with 8 points. Oh, and Forte had 28. Oh, and also Wells had 31. Forte's point total was accomplished with a 200+ yard rushing day and 1 TD, while Wells took the lazy way out with just 138 yards but 3 TDs. So let's see. The score at the moment is Us: 24 Him: 86. Hm, coulda used that 45 from Rodgers.
If we were going to have any chance this week it was time to make our move with our strong position: wide receiver. Wes Welker continues to be an MVP, contributing 158 yards and a TD this week for 21 points. Jordy Nelson was back as well after a down week with 91 yards and a TD. Of course, when Rodgers throws for infinity yards and TDs it's mathmatically impossible for Nelson to not have at least one. Anyway, no bitterness here. Nelson's day was worth 15 points. Finally, last week's pickup, Eric Decker, had the kind of day we were looking for with just 56 yards, but 2 TDs. Good for 17 points. In honor of his week, I've updated our roster over there to the right. So our receivers come in with 53 total. Our opponent has Mike Williams of the Bucs and Steve Johnson of the Bills. Johnson had some yards, but no TDs, so he got 5 points from him. I will save Williams for later. At this point we've made up a lot of ground are are down by 14.
We were able to make up more ground in the tight end department. Witten was good for 94 yards and a TD while his guy, Mercedes Lewis? had 38 yards. 15 to 3 victory at this position.
Our defenses had a battle of which defense sucks less. The Eagles had yet another collapse, but at least some sacks, fumble recoveries, and a block. So with that plus giving up 24 points, they contributed 4 fantasy points. Other guy had the Patriots. They had 2 INTs and gave up 19 points. Apparently that's -2 fantasy points, so we win that position as well. I think yards against counts too but it doesn't show.
Stupid Aaron Rodgers scored too many TDs, so Mason Crosby only had 7 extra points and no field goals, but Opponent got just one field goal and one extra point from Josh Brown. 7-4 victory in kicker for us.
This leaves us with the Monday night game. The score going into this game was 103 to 96 in our favor. We had no players left and he had the aformentioned Mike Williams of the Bucs. You will note that if you remove 17 point from our total and then add 45, we would be at 131 with a 35 points lead. Nearly impossible for a receiver to score that many. But no, Victor is a bad manager. Also, this is the first week where the guy we were playing didn't have at least one hurt player in the lineup. Let's see, are there any other excuses I can make before I finish this up? No, not really. Aside from Rodgers we played everyone we should have. Ok, I guess I can tell you about Mike Williams now.
I didn't end up watching any of this game (Bucs vs. Colts). I did, however, occasionally check the fantasy cast to see how we were doing. Near the end up the second quarter the score was 10-10 and Williams had 25 yards and no TDs. We would lose if that yardage eclipsed 80 or if he scored a TD. When I checked again it was the fourth quarter with 11 minutes to go. The Colts had just tied the game at 17 on Pierre Garcon's second long TD catch of the night. Bucs get the ball. Williams is now at 66 yards. This means we are currently up by exactly one point. For some reason I still had no desire to watch the Bucs and Colts play, so I went and watched Fast Five instead. So what happened? I'll just let you see for yourselves.
Hah. You thought we lose. Suckers. Don't ever question our managerial style. We know this team like something that we never pay attention to but it succeeds anyway. I included the bench scores this time because our opponent could have played Garcon instead. Oops on him.
So we are now back in first place in our division as the guy that was ahead of us lost and we have more points scored than him. In fact, we are second in the league in points scored. There is still one undefeated team. We play them in week 8, so mark that down on your weekly calender.
May your week be filled with pure, white goodness.
Before we get to the week's action, we have some pressing business to deal with. We have been offered a trade:
Obviously we can not accept this trade. We're only offered one-third white. Giving up a full white for a one-third white is not a good trade. It's just simple math. So the real question is when we refuse the trade should we provide the real reason? On a related note, this confirms our hunch that people don't realize what we are doing.
On to the action!!! Let's do this one with position by position comparisons. First up, QB. This week we stuck with Tom Brady over Aaron Rodgers. This is always a difficult decision with much debating back and forth. Here is an actual conversation we had about this very topic:
It takes a strong relationship to have heated debates like that and still be friends. So anyway, Brady was in because he was in the week before and neither of us looked at the roster. Brady wasn't bad. 2 TDs, 226 yards, no picks. But Rodgers had what's probably the high score of the year with 408 yards, 4 passing TDs, and 2 rushing TDs. So while we got 17 points from Brady, we could have had 45 from Rodgers. This is hard. We have the top two point scorers in the league and we can't use both. The hardships of being white I guess. Our opponent countered with Tony Romo. Luckily for him there are no reductions for choking, so Romo's 3 TDs, 3 INTs, and 336 yards were good for 19 points. So we actual lose QB this week. Not a good sign for us.
Runningback time. This is not worth more than one sentence. Hillis and Woodhead combined for 7 points. Our opponent had three RBs: Matt Forte, Ahmad Bradshaw, and Beanie Wells. Ahmad Bradshaw outscored us with 8 points. Oh, and Forte had 28. Oh, and also Wells had 31. Forte's point total was accomplished with a 200+ yard rushing day and 1 TD, while Wells took the lazy way out with just 138 yards but 3 TDs. So let's see. The score at the moment is Us: 24 Him: 86. Hm, coulda used that 45 from Rodgers.
If we were going to have any chance this week it was time to make our move with our strong position: wide receiver. Wes Welker continues to be an MVP, contributing 158 yards and a TD this week for 21 points. Jordy Nelson was back as well after a down week with 91 yards and a TD. Of course, when Rodgers throws for infinity yards and TDs it's mathmatically impossible for Nelson to not have at least one. Anyway, no bitterness here. Nelson's day was worth 15 points. Finally, last week's pickup, Eric Decker, had the kind of day we were looking for with just 56 yards, but 2 TDs. Good for 17 points. In honor of his week, I've updated our roster over there to the right. So our receivers come in with 53 total. Our opponent has Mike Williams of the Bucs and Steve Johnson of the Bills. Johnson had some yards, but no TDs, so he got 5 points from him. I will save Williams for later. At this point we've made up a lot of ground are are down by 14.
We were able to make up more ground in the tight end department. Witten was good for 94 yards and a TD while his guy, Mercedes Lewis? had 38 yards. 15 to 3 victory at this position.
Our defenses had a battle of which defense sucks less. The Eagles had yet another collapse, but at least some sacks, fumble recoveries, and a block. So with that plus giving up 24 points, they contributed 4 fantasy points. Other guy had the Patriots. They had 2 INTs and gave up 19 points. Apparently that's -2 fantasy points, so we win that position as well. I think yards against counts too but it doesn't show.
Stupid Aaron Rodgers scored too many TDs, so Mason Crosby only had 7 extra points and no field goals, but Opponent got just one field goal and one extra point from Josh Brown. 7-4 victory in kicker for us.
This leaves us with the Monday night game. The score going into this game was 103 to 96 in our favor. We had no players left and he had the aformentioned Mike Williams of the Bucs. You will note that if you remove 17 point from our total and then add 45, we would be at 131 with a 35 points lead. Nearly impossible for a receiver to score that many. But no, Victor is a bad manager. Also, this is the first week where the guy we were playing didn't have at least one hurt player in the lineup. Let's see, are there any other excuses I can make before I finish this up? No, not really. Aside from Rodgers we played everyone we should have. Ok, I guess I can tell you about Mike Williams now.
I didn't end up watching any of this game (Bucs vs. Colts). I did, however, occasionally check the fantasy cast to see how we were doing. Near the end up the second quarter the score was 10-10 and Williams had 25 yards and no TDs. We would lose if that yardage eclipsed 80 or if he scored a TD. When I checked again it was the fourth quarter with 11 minutes to go. The Colts had just tied the game at 17 on Pierre Garcon's second long TD catch of the night. Bucs get the ball. Williams is now at 66 yards. This means we are currently up by exactly one point. For some reason I still had no desire to watch the Bucs and Colts play, so I went and watched Fast Five instead. So what happened? I'll just let you see for yourselves.
Hah. You thought we lose. Suckers. Don't ever question our managerial style. We know this team like something that we never pay attention to but it succeeds anyway. I included the bench scores this time because our opponent could have played Garcon instead. Oops on him.
So we are now back in first place in our division as the guy that was ahead of us lost and we have more points scored than him. In fact, we are second in the league in points scored. There is still one undefeated team. We play them in week 8, so mark that down on your weekly calender.
May your week be filled with pure, white goodness.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Week Three: Tres Semanas
What an exciting week. At least for those of us that knew the score. So just Victor and me. I will try to capture that excitement for the rest of you. But it won't work. So just use this as a way to waste some time at work.
As usual, I saw zero Sunday games, but this week I was able to catch the second half of the Monday night game.
This week we went with the controversial decision to bench Rodgers and play Brady. Things were looking quite good until the second half, when Brady would stupidly throw 4 interceptions. Luckily he already had 4 touchdowns. But that turned a great day into an alright day. He ended up with 23 point to Rodgers's's's 12, so it was still the right move.
Let's cover our other two Patriots players while we're figuratively here. Danny Woodhead continues to be what we thought he was. Had a few yards rushing, a few yards receiving. Good for 4 points. Wes Welker has obviously been murdered and replaced with a robot from Mars. And the robot is not a white robot but we just can't tell because we don't have much experience with sentient robots. 217 yards receiving and 2 TDs, good for 34 points. He now has the third most points in the league behind Brady and Brees. That's right, we have two of the top three point scorers in the entire league.
Our other runningback, Peyton Hillis, did not play do to a tickle in his throat. He obviously has the plague from being on the Madden cover so we expect to get no points from him for the rest of the year. Luckily every other runningback we could play also put up zero points, so leaving Hillis in was the right move. Or the indifferent move.
The rest of our receivers were not so prolific. Jordy Nelson came back to earth this week with 40 yards and no scores. Victor also picked up some dude named Eric Decker on Denver. Supposedly Kyle Orton likes to throw to him. This week he had 48 yards and no scores. Together that's 8 points. Receivers on the bench were Brian Hartline, Kevin Walter, and Austin Collie. They would have contributed 8, 9, and 2 points respectively. This may be important later. (This is what us writers call subtle foreshadowing.)
And now to the Eagles lack of defense. Who lets Eli Manning throw 4 TDs and no INTs? Seriously. Well, at least I'm a Giants fan, so this didn't really upset me. But Victor, poor Victor. I think everyone should send him Sun Chips to cheer him up. Well, at least they didn't give us negative points. We got 2 from the defense.
Crosby had his normal good day kicking some stuff through some things. Two field goals and three extra points for 9 total.
Now I'm hungry, so I'll just give you the highlights from our opponent before I jump into the Monday night game. In what is becoming a league wide trend, our opponent started someone who is out for the season. It didn't seem to hurt him very much, though, as he got solid contributions from his QB, primary runningback, and TE. With a few more points sprinkled in, he was able to come into the Monday game with a total of 78. Those of you that were counting know we had 80. Both of us had two players left. Felix Jones for him, Jason Witten for us.
As I got home during halftime, the count stood at 83-80 in his favor. Jones had some rushing and receiving yards, while Witten had only 7 yards receiving. Witten would eventually climb to 60 yards, but Jones would continue to match him, rushing for over 100 when all was said and done. Our hopes were down to the final drive of the game for Dallas. We basically needed a Witten touchdown. Yet somehow a team with botched snaps, fumbles, and misrun routes could not muster that TD. Stupid 5 fields goals and they win. And we lose. Final score 93-86. Oh yeah, remember those benched receiver scores? We have 95 if we play those two guys. Way to go Victor. I take back my Sun Chips request.
Some parting thoughts. The team we played was also 2-0 and in our division, so we are now in second place in our division. Four teams will make the playoffs, so we are still in right now due to tie breakers. This is odd to say, but we need Hillis to get healthy. He is important? I mean, he is important. Wide receiver will continue to be a crapshoot for us. One that Victor better win 100% of the time from now on. But our undefeated season comes to an end in week three. Angels weep and milk curdles. Skies darken and the four horsemen ride. Until next week, that is.
As usual, I saw zero Sunday games, but this week I was able to catch the second half of the Monday night game.
This week we went with the controversial decision to bench Rodgers and play Brady. Things were looking quite good until the second half, when Brady would stupidly throw 4 interceptions. Luckily he already had 4 touchdowns. But that turned a great day into an alright day. He ended up with 23 point to Rodgers's's's 12, so it was still the right move.
Let's cover our other two Patriots players while we're figuratively here. Danny Woodhead continues to be what we thought he was. Had a few yards rushing, a few yards receiving. Good for 4 points. Wes Welker has obviously been murdered and replaced with a robot from Mars. And the robot is not a white robot but we just can't tell because we don't have much experience with sentient robots. 217 yards receiving and 2 TDs, good for 34 points. He now has the third most points in the league behind Brady and Brees. That's right, we have two of the top three point scorers in the entire league.
Our other runningback, Peyton Hillis, did not play do to a tickle in his throat. He obviously has the plague from being on the Madden cover so we expect to get no points from him for the rest of the year. Luckily every other runningback we could play also put up zero points, so leaving Hillis in was the right move. Or the indifferent move.
The rest of our receivers were not so prolific. Jordy Nelson came back to earth this week with 40 yards and no scores. Victor also picked up some dude named Eric Decker on Denver. Supposedly Kyle Orton likes to throw to him. This week he had 48 yards and no scores. Together that's 8 points. Receivers on the bench were Brian Hartline, Kevin Walter, and Austin Collie. They would have contributed 8, 9, and 2 points respectively. This may be important later. (This is what us writers call subtle foreshadowing.)
And now to the Eagles lack of defense. Who lets Eli Manning throw 4 TDs and no INTs? Seriously. Well, at least I'm a Giants fan, so this didn't really upset me. But Victor, poor Victor. I think everyone should send him Sun Chips to cheer him up. Well, at least they didn't give us negative points. We got 2 from the defense.
Crosby had his normal good day kicking some stuff through some things. Two field goals and three extra points for 9 total.
Now I'm hungry, so I'll just give you the highlights from our opponent before I jump into the Monday night game. In what is becoming a league wide trend, our opponent started someone who is out for the season. It didn't seem to hurt him very much, though, as he got solid contributions from his QB, primary runningback, and TE. With a few more points sprinkled in, he was able to come into the Monday game with a total of 78. Those of you that were counting know we had 80. Both of us had two players left. Felix Jones for him, Jason Witten for us.
As I got home during halftime, the count stood at 83-80 in his favor. Jones had some rushing and receiving yards, while Witten had only 7 yards receiving. Witten would eventually climb to 60 yards, but Jones would continue to match him, rushing for over 100 when all was said and done. Our hopes were down to the final drive of the game for Dallas. We basically needed a Witten touchdown. Yet somehow a team with botched snaps, fumbles, and misrun routes could not muster that TD. Stupid 5 fields goals and they win. And we lose. Final score 93-86. Oh yeah, remember those benched receiver scores? We have 95 if we play those two guys. Way to go Victor. I take back my Sun Chips request.
Some parting thoughts. The team we played was also 2-0 and in our division, so we are now in second place in our division. Four teams will make the playoffs, so we are still in right now due to tie breakers. This is odd to say, but we need Hillis to get healthy. He is important? I mean, he is important. Wide receiver will continue to be a crapshoot for us. One that Victor better win 100% of the time from now on. But our undefeated season comes to an end in week three. Angels weep and milk curdles. Skies darken and the four horsemen ride. Until next week, that is.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Week 2: Will this sequel suck?
Week 2. The week dreams are made. Or nightmares are born. Or the week where after it's over you can add up anyone's wins and loses and get 2. But would our 2 come from two wins or one win and one lose? Let's find out.
Note: I work all day on Sundays. I saw exactly no minutes of any game this week. Some of the following events may be invented.
I can't be bothered to look up game times and do this in chronological order, so let's go by position. First up, QB. Dear, sweet, beautiful Aaron Rodger. Aaron is no Cam Newton, but he's been very good and consistent over two games. This week he was over 300 yards again with 2 TDs and no picks for 21 points. Brady was on our bench, and anyone that cares about football know he's putting up crazy numbers (28 fantasy points this week), so even though Rodgers has been good, we're probably going with Brady in week 3. Our opponent skillfully countered with Peyton Manning at QB. I'm beginning to think some people aren't running their teams. Needless to say, QB advantage went to us 28-0.
Let's do runningbacks as a unit. Peyton Hillis played like a true number one RB this week with 94 yards and 2 TDs. He also had a fumble, but we'll forgive that. For now. Danny Woodhead did what we expected. 12 yards rushing. But he also threw in a 2 point conversion. So 21 points from Peyton-Soon-To-Tear-ACL-Hillis and 4 from Woodhead. Our opponent has Steven Jackson of the Rams and the new highest paid runninback ever, Chris Johnson. Just two problems. Jackson was hurt and Johnson was bad. But he also has LeSean McCoy of the Eagles who had 95 yards and 2 TDs. This is the sort of runningback core you can have when they can be not white. So we lose that one 32-25, but that's pretty close. And over two weeks we have actually outscored our opponents in runningback 39-35. And we only play two white ones each week.
After our receiving core got all blowed up last week, we made one change and considered some others. Victor actually watches these games, so he can see white people play. He determined we should get some dude named Hartline on Miami. Let me find out his first name. Brian. Pretty damn white. Well Brian was meh with just 35 yards. Welker, last weeks hero, had 81 yards. Our big surprise contributor at WR continues to be Jordy Nelson. This week he had 84 yards and 1 TD. I did some research and found out that he did all that with just one catch. Let's see, did we beat our opponent at this position too? I don't feel like writing out his guys again, so he got 23 points total while we got 25. Slight win. That whole playing Peyton Manning thing looks like it might be big.
Oh, TE was good for us. Witten with 10, his guy with 0.
I finished work at 10 pm Sunday night and before I left I checked in on the Sunday night game using ESPN's Fantasy Cast. The game was Eagles and Atlanta. We have the Eagles defense, and when I checked things were pretty good. Not so much later. Giving up 35 points doesn't help your defense score. Meanwhile, our opponent's Detroit defense only gave up 3 points. This results in a 20-5 score in defense.
Last and least, kickers. The Packers did right by us this week. For kicking that means field goals. Crosby had 3 as well as 3 extra points. 12 for us. His guy had 6.
For those of you keeping tally, you wasted your time. I'm going to tell you the total scores now. I think I made it seem close the way I presented this, but we won 98 to 78. So the White Devils remain undefeated. In fact, Victor tried to pick up another white receiver today and discovered we're second to last in the waiver order. This means we're really good. The top points forced is 206 and we're at 202. I think we're almost living in a world where whites are equal to everyone else.
Anyway, here's some box score thing if you care. We would have beaten 6 out of 9 teams this week.
Note: I work all day on Sundays. I saw exactly no minutes of any game this week. Some of the following events may be invented.
I can't be bothered to look up game times and do this in chronological order, so let's go by position. First up, QB. Dear, sweet, beautiful Aaron Rodger. Aaron is no Cam Newton, but he's been very good and consistent over two games. This week he was over 300 yards again with 2 TDs and no picks for 21 points. Brady was on our bench, and anyone that cares about football know he's putting up crazy numbers (28 fantasy points this week), so even though Rodgers has been good, we're probably going with Brady in week 3. Our opponent skillfully countered with Peyton Manning at QB. I'm beginning to think some people aren't running their teams. Needless to say, QB advantage went to us 28-0.
Let's do runningbacks as a unit. Peyton Hillis played like a true number one RB this week with 94 yards and 2 TDs. He also had a fumble, but we'll forgive that. For now. Danny Woodhead did what we expected. 12 yards rushing. But he also threw in a 2 point conversion. So 21 points from Peyton-Soon-To-Tear-ACL-Hillis and 4 from Woodhead. Our opponent has Steven Jackson of the Rams and the new highest paid runninback ever, Chris Johnson. Just two problems. Jackson was hurt and Johnson was bad. But he also has LeSean McCoy of the Eagles who had 95 yards and 2 TDs. This is the sort of runningback core you can have when they can be not white. So we lose that one 32-25, but that's pretty close. And over two weeks we have actually outscored our opponents in runningback 39-35. And we only play two white ones each week.
After our receiving core got all blowed up last week, we made one change and considered some others. Victor actually watches these games, so he can see white people play. He determined we should get some dude named Hartline on Miami. Let me find out his first name. Brian. Pretty damn white. Well Brian was meh with just 35 yards. Welker, last weeks hero, had 81 yards. Our big surprise contributor at WR continues to be Jordy Nelson. This week he had 84 yards and 1 TD. I did some research and found out that he did all that with just one catch. Let's see, did we beat our opponent at this position too? I don't feel like writing out his guys again, so he got 23 points total while we got 25. Slight win. That whole playing Peyton Manning thing looks like it might be big.
Oh, TE was good for us. Witten with 10, his guy with 0.
I finished work at 10 pm Sunday night and before I left I checked in on the Sunday night game using ESPN's Fantasy Cast. The game was Eagles and Atlanta. We have the Eagles defense, and when I checked things were pretty good. Not so much later. Giving up 35 points doesn't help your defense score. Meanwhile, our opponent's Detroit defense only gave up 3 points. This results in a 20-5 score in defense.
Last and least, kickers. The Packers did right by us this week. For kicking that means field goals. Crosby had 3 as well as 3 extra points. 12 for us. His guy had 6.
For those of you keeping tally, you wasted your time. I'm going to tell you the total scores now. I think I made it seem close the way I presented this, but we won 98 to 78. So the White Devils remain undefeated. In fact, Victor tried to pick up another white receiver today and discovered we're second to last in the waiver order. This means we're really good. The top points forced is 206 and we're at 202. I think we're almost living in a world where whites are equal to everyone else.
Anyway, here's some box score thing if you care. We would have beaten 6 out of 9 teams this week.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Week 1: The Beginening
First, congratulations to those of us that didn't take Peyton Manning this year. For those that did (Az), there's always next year. On to the results.
Our week started with the Packers and Saints on Thursday night. I don't know if I made this clear yet, but Victor wants to have sex with the Packers, so needless to say we had a few guys in that game. QB Aaron Rodgers was one of them. He had an effective evening, putting up 312 yards and 3 TDs with no INTs. This was good for 24 points. We also had Mason Crosby, the Packers' kicker. Since the Packers scored 6 TDs, we got 6 points from him.
Those of you that have intensely analyzed our roster have probably noted that we have a lot of receivers. We can only play three of them, so how did we decide which to play? Well that's easy. Victor starts any Packer first and tells me about it after the game starts. So we also had Jordy Nelson in this game. Rodgers must be on the white power bandwagon, because he threw quite a few passes to Jordy. 77 yards and 1 TD worth of passes actually. This comes out to 13 points.
Our opponent had Drew Brees and the Saints defense in this game as well. Brees had a good night, earning 28 points, but the defense gave up 42 points to the Packers, ending up with 4 fantasy points. This gave us a 43 to 32 lead after game one of the season.
Come Sunday, we had two decisions to make. First, Witten or Clark at tight end? Second, Austin Collie, Kevin Walter, or Danny Amendola as our final receiver (Welker was in for sure). My thoughts were play no one on the Colts. Victor disagreed. Since neither of us really care we just left things the way they were. This turned out to mean Clark and Collie were in.
In the end the receiver decision was mostly irrelevant. Collie had no catches and no points, but the other two guys got hurt and will probably miss some time. Dallas Clark had 39 yards which translates to 3 points. Not a great total, but we'd have to wait until the Sunday night game to see if Witten could do better.
Peyton Hillis was our lone running back on Sunday, as Woodhead would play Monday night. Loyal readers may recall that two years ago we were supper happy if we got any points from our runningbacks. That is not the case this year. Hillis is starter. He's even on the cover of Madden. He's got to put up 80 points a game or he sucks. Oh wait, he's on the Browns. So he does suck. He only had 57 yards rushing, but he was able to catch some passes for 30 yards, so he gave us 8 points. Come on lone white starting runningback. We need more out of you.
Our last contributor on Sunday was the Eagles defense. They had a good day, giving up just 13 points with a TD, fumble recovery, and 5 sacks. This was good for 16 points.
But what about our opponent? Thanks for asking a question that leads right into the next paragraph. Our opponent's top runningback is Arian Foster of the Texans. In what was clearly a sign that he was a afraid of whitey, Foster was hurt for the game. This meant he contributed zero points. Good for us.
He played 3 receivers like us. Dwayne Bowe and Vincent Jackson played during the day and contributed a total of 4 points. Also good for us.
Zach Miller of Seattle is his tight end. 19 yards. 1 fantasy point. More good for us.
This takes us to Sunday night, where the Jets would host the Cowboys. We had no active players in this game, but we'd find out of Clark was the right choice over Witten. The answer is no. Witten had 6 catches for 110 yards which comes out to 11 fantasy points. Our opponent had receiver Dez Bryant. He had 71 yards and a TD which was good for 13 points. Luckily he got hurt partway through to game and was ineffective after that.
So going into Monday night the totals were us at 70 points, opponent at 50. We had two players left, he had one. Things were looking white.
Our two remaining players were both Patriots, and they played the early game on Monday. Danny Woodhead was acceptable, with his 14 carries for 69 yards and 6 points. Wes Welker was Jesus, putting up 160 yards with 2 TDs, one of which was a 99 yard TD. He contributed a mere 28 points, becoming our top scorer for the week. This put us in a commanding 104 to 50 lead.
The only guy that could ruin our week was runningback Knowshown Moreno of the Broncos. If he could rush for 300 yards and 6 TDs we'd be tied. Could he do it???? No, that's stupid. He rushed for 22 yards with 35 receiving yards and a lost fumble. 3 points.
We win 104-53.
Loyal readers may also recall that at the end of every results post I would see how we compared to the rest of the league. Often times even if we won we got lucky and played someone that was just really bad that week. Well this week we played the guy with the worst score. But in a schocking turn of events, we did not need this luck. Our 104 was the top score of the week. Someone better start planning the championship parade. Here's proof of this life-affirming event:
And with that, we bid you see you next time.
Our week started with the Packers and Saints on Thursday night. I don't know if I made this clear yet, but Victor wants to have sex with the Packers, so needless to say we had a few guys in that game. QB Aaron Rodgers was one of them. He had an effective evening, putting up 312 yards and 3 TDs with no INTs. This was good for 24 points. We also had Mason Crosby, the Packers' kicker. Since the Packers scored 6 TDs, we got 6 points from him.
Those of you that have intensely analyzed our roster have probably noted that we have a lot of receivers. We can only play three of them, so how did we decide which to play? Well that's easy. Victor starts any Packer first and tells me about it after the game starts. So we also had Jordy Nelson in this game. Rodgers must be on the white power bandwagon, because he threw quite a few passes to Jordy. 77 yards and 1 TD worth of passes actually. This comes out to 13 points.
Our opponent had Drew Brees and the Saints defense in this game as well. Brees had a good night, earning 28 points, but the defense gave up 42 points to the Packers, ending up with 4 fantasy points. This gave us a 43 to 32 lead after game one of the season.
Come Sunday, we had two decisions to make. First, Witten or Clark at tight end? Second, Austin Collie, Kevin Walter, or Danny Amendola as our final receiver (Welker was in for sure). My thoughts were play no one on the Colts. Victor disagreed. Since neither of us really care we just left things the way they were. This turned out to mean Clark and Collie were in.
In the end the receiver decision was mostly irrelevant. Collie had no catches and no points, but the other two guys got hurt and will probably miss some time. Dallas Clark had 39 yards which translates to 3 points. Not a great total, but we'd have to wait until the Sunday night game to see if Witten could do better.
Peyton Hillis was our lone running back on Sunday, as Woodhead would play Monday night. Loyal readers may recall that two years ago we were supper happy if we got any points from our runningbacks. That is not the case this year. Hillis is starter. He's even on the cover of Madden. He's got to put up 80 points a game or he sucks. Oh wait, he's on the Browns. So he does suck. He only had 57 yards rushing, but he was able to catch some passes for 30 yards, so he gave us 8 points. Come on lone white starting runningback. We need more out of you.
Our last contributor on Sunday was the Eagles defense. They had a good day, giving up just 13 points with a TD, fumble recovery, and 5 sacks. This was good for 16 points.
But what about our opponent? Thanks for asking a question that leads right into the next paragraph. Our opponent's top runningback is Arian Foster of the Texans. In what was clearly a sign that he was a afraid of whitey, Foster was hurt for the game. This meant he contributed zero points. Good for us.
He played 3 receivers like us. Dwayne Bowe and Vincent Jackson played during the day and contributed a total of 4 points. Also good for us.
Zach Miller of Seattle is his tight end. 19 yards. 1 fantasy point. More good for us.
This takes us to Sunday night, where the Jets would host the Cowboys. We had no active players in this game, but we'd find out of Clark was the right choice over Witten. The answer is no. Witten had 6 catches for 110 yards which comes out to 11 fantasy points. Our opponent had receiver Dez Bryant. He had 71 yards and a TD which was good for 13 points. Luckily he got hurt partway through to game and was ineffective after that.
So going into Monday night the totals were us at 70 points, opponent at 50. We had two players left, he had one. Things were looking white.
Our two remaining players were both Patriots, and they played the early game on Monday. Danny Woodhead was acceptable, with his 14 carries for 69 yards and 6 points. Wes Welker was Jesus, putting up 160 yards with 2 TDs, one of which was a 99 yard TD. He contributed a mere 28 points, becoming our top scorer for the week. This put us in a commanding 104 to 50 lead.
The only guy that could ruin our week was runningback Knowshown Moreno of the Broncos. If he could rush for 300 yards and 6 TDs we'd be tied. Could he do it???? No, that's stupid. He rushed for 22 yards with 35 receiving yards and a lost fumble. 3 points.
We win 104-53.
Loyal readers may also recall that at the end of every results post I would see how we compared to the rest of the league. Often times even if we won we got lucky and played someone that was just really bad that week. Well this week we played the guy with the worst score. But in a schocking turn of events, we did not need this luck. Our 104 was the top score of the week. Someone better start planning the championship parade. Here's proof of this life-affirming event:
And with that, we bid you see you next time.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Grievous oversite
Somehow, despite our long grueling minutes of extensive research, we overlooked a white Packers player. Yes, I am of course referring to the immortal John Kuhn (pronounced "cooooooooooooooon"). What makes this an even more egregious mistake is that Kuhn is a first stringer! True, he's a first string fullback... but the Packers love their I formation quick FB hand-off on 3rd and short that fools nobody and gains an average of 1 yard. Kuhn also has some package plays around the goal line, usually popping into the flat for an easy score because Aaron Rodgers is the bestest ever.
My fearless prediction for the year is 58 yards rushing, 16 yards receiving, and 3 TDs. That is roughly infinity more points per game than Brian Leonard provided us two years ago.The real bonus is that every time Kuhn touches the ball, a chorus of "COOOOOOOOOON" rains down from the stands. It's the little things in life.
Oh yeah and I dropped the Giants D for Kuhn because Giants suck and Packers rule lololololol in ur face Jon.
My fearless prediction for the year is 58 yards rushing, 16 yards receiving, and 3 TDs. That is roughly infinity more points per game than Brian Leonard provided us two years ago.The real bonus is that every time Kuhn touches the ball, a chorus of "COOOOOOOOOON" rains down from the stands. It's the little things in life.
Oh yeah and I dropped the Giants D for Kuhn because Giants suck and Packers rule lololololol in ur face Jon.
Monday, August 29, 2011
We remembered to do it this year
Everyone's favorite idea has made its triumphant return. I spent the (hurricane) weekend in Maryland visiting Victor and Sophie. And in a shocking turn of events, this year we both remembered and were also not too lazy to do the all white fantasy football draft. For those new readers that don't exist, the concept is simple, yet quite nuanced. We join a public draft on EPSN, but to make things both challenging and racist, we may only draft white players. Here's the exciting recap of the draft. Wait a minute while I bring up the draft results. I don't actually remember what happened exactly.
Ok, here we go. First, every successful season starts with research and planning. And this season would be no different. After our initial, "Should we do the white team this year?" "Sure, we have a couple hours to kill." conversation, we carefully considered our mistakes from the first year. This meant that we looked up every team's starting runningbacks and receivers. This wasn't as hard as it sounds. There was a spreadsheet with the all the starters by position. Then we looked up images of any unknowns to see if they were white. Usually they were not. Then, and this was crucial, we made sure we didn't forget who the white ones were. Some of these white receivers are super forgettable, so that was a chllenge. This concluded the research portion of our draft.
Victor logged in and looked for a public draft to join. But then came the moment no one was prepared for. There were snake drafts and auction drafts. And we had to choose which kind to do. We deliberated for at least 1 minute. It became clear that an auction draft would allow us to get every player we would want. For those unfamiliar with an auction draft, it works like this. Every team starts with a set amount of money. In our case it was $200. Then each team takes turns choosing a player to put up for auction. This player may be bid on by any team. Highest bid takes the player. We felt this would work well for us because most of the players we would need to acquire would go for very cheap. This meant we could spend a lot on the few good white players and make sure we got them.
Alright, on to the draft. It turns out ESPN doesn't give a good recap of auction drafts, so a lot of this will be from memory. Luckily for all of you, I remember things like someone that remembers stuff good. Our general strategy was to nominate a few good whites early so as not to look suspicous, then put up the people no one was ever going to nominate. We would let others nominate the mid-level whites. As it turns out, no one ever seems to care enough in these public drafts to get suspicious, but at least it gave us someonthing to strategize about.
We were 5th or 6th out of 10 in the nomination order. Our first nomination was Aaron Rodgers. Rodgers had to be our quarterback because Victor wants to have sex with him. We took him for $45.
A little aside before our second pick. Runningback is the top position in fantasy football. By our count, there are exactly 3 white runningbacks that are expected to see somewhat regular playing time. Two of those are not the starter. This meant that perhaps the most important player to our team is the one white starting runningback, Peyton Hillis. Basically, someone could have bid us up to $190 and we would have had to take him for that. But we decided to spring our trap in the second round before anyone could be on to us. As a result, we were able to get Hillis for $32. Now we just have to wait for the Madden Curse to kick in.
Round three we took Tom Brady as a defensive measure. This is something you can do when it's clear you will not spend anywhere near $200 on white players if you just take players you need.
At this point everyone else we wanted was projected at under $20, with about half of them projected for under $2. We put up Austin Collie as our next nomination. He's the third wide receiver for the Colts. It was very early in the draft to be putting up someone of his level, and our cunning strategy worked out. Other teams were not willing to go high on him, so we got him for $10.
Now you would think some teams might begin to suspect what we are doing. Especially since our name is White Devils. But no, no one seems to notice. At this point we considered our options. We had originally planned to get either Dallas Clark or Jason Witten as our tight end, and then get a backup tight end later. But the way the money was shaking out we realized we could just get both of them. Someone would eventually nominate these guys, so our plan was to wait it out and not spend any nominations on them. We also wanted Wes Wekler, but felt someone else would nominate him as well. So our next two nominations were Kevin Walter and Jordy Nelson. Walter is actually the second receiver for the Texans, but is relatively unknown because he plays for the Texans. Nelson is a Packer so Victor wants to have sex with him. We got these guys for $3 and $7 respectively.
The two tight ends were our next two pickups. I think we probably nominated one and someone else put up the other, but I can't exactly remember. Clark went for $12 and Witten went for $14.
I think around this time the Packers defense got put up. This was the defense we were targeting for a few reasons. Defense is always a tought choice for us. We usually try to pick one that has a prominent white player. The Packers work well because they have Clay Matthews. Also, Victor wants to have sex with all the dudes on the Packers defense. But for whatever reason the Packers got bid up quite high ($13) for this early in the draft. In fact, looking back they probably went up before the tight ends, because we decided we couldn't spend that much on a defense at this point. The ravens defense also came up, but there's nothing white about those guys, so we didn't even bid on them.
We snuck in a $1 Danny Amendola before someone else put up Wes Welker. We took him for $15. This left us with 3 must-haves. We needed a second runningback, a defense, and a kicker.
Runningback was easily dealt with. We got Danny Woodhead for $1. Woodhead is the second back for the Patriots. He should be good for 2 carries and 4 yards a week.
For defense we tried to get the Jets thinking that Rex Ryan is the face of the defense and he's really white and fat. But the Jets went for $18 at a time when we only had $17 left to spend. So instead we ended up taking the Eagles for $5. Victor tells me Clay Matthews' brother is on the team. Good enough. Plus he wants to have sex with the brother of any Packer.
Finally, rounding out the starters, we took Mason Crosby as our kicker for $1. Five points if you can guess what team he plays for and who wants to have sex with him.
Our last non-autopick was Toby Gerhart. He's the second runningback for the Vikings behind Adrian Peterson. Should be a gold mine. $1.
At this point we were bored and went to eat. We set up autonominate for our last two picks and left. And to our horror we came back to find that the autobid did not understand our whites only rule. So we got two other guys that we immediately dropped. We picked up Colt McCoy because when I was in Denver it seemed like Mike wanted to have sex with him. But he's our third QB, so don't get your hopes up Mike. And we grabbed the Giants defense because I have an entirely platonic friendship with the Giants. They'll serve as our backup defense for the Eagles' bye week. I don't know what's white about them, but there's only so much effort we're going to put into this.
So there's the team. We look to improve on our 4-9 record from two years ago. We both feel good about this team. For now it seems our team theme goes unnoticed by the league. They were more concerned with berating the guy that still had $140 left after 10 rounds. We're gonna sneak up on all these chumps and win the whole thing.
Ok, here we go. First, every successful season starts with research and planning. And this season would be no different. After our initial, "Should we do the white team this year?" "Sure, we have a couple hours to kill." conversation, we carefully considered our mistakes from the first year. This meant that we looked up every team's starting runningbacks and receivers. This wasn't as hard as it sounds. There was a spreadsheet with the all the starters by position. Then we looked up images of any unknowns to see if they were white. Usually they were not. Then, and this was crucial, we made sure we didn't forget who the white ones were. Some of these white receivers are super forgettable, so that was a chllenge. This concluded the research portion of our draft.
Victor logged in and looked for a public draft to join. But then came the moment no one was prepared for. There were snake drafts and auction drafts. And we had to choose which kind to do. We deliberated for at least 1 minute. It became clear that an auction draft would allow us to get every player we would want. For those unfamiliar with an auction draft, it works like this. Every team starts with a set amount of money. In our case it was $200. Then each team takes turns choosing a player to put up for auction. This player may be bid on by any team. Highest bid takes the player. We felt this would work well for us because most of the players we would need to acquire would go for very cheap. This meant we could spend a lot on the few good white players and make sure we got them.
Alright, on to the draft. It turns out ESPN doesn't give a good recap of auction drafts, so a lot of this will be from memory. Luckily for all of you, I remember things like someone that remembers stuff good. Our general strategy was to nominate a few good whites early so as not to look suspicous, then put up the people no one was ever going to nominate. We would let others nominate the mid-level whites. As it turns out, no one ever seems to care enough in these public drafts to get suspicious, but at least it gave us someonthing to strategize about.
We were 5th or 6th out of 10 in the nomination order. Our first nomination was Aaron Rodgers. Rodgers had to be our quarterback because Victor wants to have sex with him. We took him for $45.
A little aside before our second pick. Runningback is the top position in fantasy football. By our count, there are exactly 3 white runningbacks that are expected to see somewhat regular playing time. Two of those are not the starter. This meant that perhaps the most important player to our team is the one white starting runningback, Peyton Hillis. Basically, someone could have bid us up to $190 and we would have had to take him for that. But we decided to spring our trap in the second round before anyone could be on to us. As a result, we were able to get Hillis for $32. Now we just have to wait for the Madden Curse to kick in.
Round three we took Tom Brady as a defensive measure. This is something you can do when it's clear you will not spend anywhere near $200 on white players if you just take players you need.
At this point everyone else we wanted was projected at under $20, with about half of them projected for under $2. We put up Austin Collie as our next nomination. He's the third wide receiver for the Colts. It was very early in the draft to be putting up someone of his level, and our cunning strategy worked out. Other teams were not willing to go high on him, so we got him for $10.
Now you would think some teams might begin to suspect what we are doing. Especially since our name is White Devils. But no, no one seems to notice. At this point we considered our options. We had originally planned to get either Dallas Clark or Jason Witten as our tight end, and then get a backup tight end later. But the way the money was shaking out we realized we could just get both of them. Someone would eventually nominate these guys, so our plan was to wait it out and not spend any nominations on them. We also wanted Wes Wekler, but felt someone else would nominate him as well. So our next two nominations were Kevin Walter and Jordy Nelson. Walter is actually the second receiver for the Texans, but is relatively unknown because he plays for the Texans. Nelson is a Packer so Victor wants to have sex with him. We got these guys for $3 and $7 respectively.
The two tight ends were our next two pickups. I think we probably nominated one and someone else put up the other, but I can't exactly remember. Clark went for $12 and Witten went for $14.
I think around this time the Packers defense got put up. This was the defense we were targeting for a few reasons. Defense is always a tought choice for us. We usually try to pick one that has a prominent white player. The Packers work well because they have Clay Matthews. Also, Victor wants to have sex with all the dudes on the Packers defense. But for whatever reason the Packers got bid up quite high ($13) for this early in the draft. In fact, looking back they probably went up before the tight ends, because we decided we couldn't spend that much on a defense at this point. The ravens defense also came up, but there's nothing white about those guys, so we didn't even bid on them.
We snuck in a $1 Danny Amendola before someone else put up Wes Welker. We took him for $15. This left us with 3 must-haves. We needed a second runningback, a defense, and a kicker.
Runningback was easily dealt with. We got Danny Woodhead for $1. Woodhead is the second back for the Patriots. He should be good for 2 carries and 4 yards a week.
For defense we tried to get the Jets thinking that Rex Ryan is the face of the defense and he's really white and fat. But the Jets went for $18 at a time when we only had $17 left to spend. So instead we ended up taking the Eagles for $5. Victor tells me Clay Matthews' brother is on the team. Good enough. Plus he wants to have sex with the brother of any Packer.
Finally, rounding out the starters, we took Mason Crosby as our kicker for $1. Five points if you can guess what team he plays for and who wants to have sex with him.
Our last non-autopick was Toby Gerhart. He's the second runningback for the Vikings behind Adrian Peterson. Should be a gold mine. $1.
At this point we were bored and went to eat. We set up autonominate for our last two picks and left. And to our horror we came back to find that the autobid did not understand our whites only rule. So we got two other guys that we immediately dropped. We picked up Colt McCoy because when I was in Denver it seemed like Mike wanted to have sex with him. But he's our third QB, so don't get your hopes up Mike. And we grabbed the Giants defense because I have an entirely platonic friendship with the Giants. They'll serve as our backup defense for the Eagles' bye week. I don't know what's white about them, but there's only so much effort we're going to put into this.
So there's the team. We look to improve on our 4-9 record from two years ago. We both feel good about this team. For now it seems our team theme goes unnoticed by the league. They were more concerned with berating the guy that still had $140 left after 10 rounds. We're gonna sneak up on all these chumps and win the whole thing.
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